Wish my partner was different

[Pinkspinkx]

It’s my 2nd pregnancy with my partner now. He doesn’t really sympathise with how I feel he doesn’t really ask how I feel

We struggled a lot after DS as I just felt so alone and I still kind of do. I’m the default parent as he’s the main earner so works longer and I’m grateful he provides for us.

but I wish he was more emotional and I don’t know seemed to care a bit? I raised it with him and he seems shocked I think this. He doesn’t ask to see if he can feel the baby kick. I mentioned another scan (pay private as I want to see DD again before born, I’m 30 weeks) and he was like “another one?”

He’s very emotionally detached and I thought kids would soften him and I guess not. I’m scared we’ll turn into his mum and dad who have split and when I hear what his dad was like when he was a child I just pray he doesn’t turn into a version of him.

He wasn’t very hands on during the early stages with DS, and even now it’s just default I do more but he does a lot now. His argument was he was nervous and scared when DS was little.

but I’m just so scared to have a newborn. I’m not excited this time round I’m just nervous and worrying how I’ll cope. I’m wondering if I’ve fell out of love with my partner or if it’s just being in the early years of parenthood.

Just needed somewhere to vent I can’t tell anyone how I’m feeling

This pregnancy wasn’t planned and I didn’t want to terminate - just as I know people might read this and think “why are you having another baby with this man”

Which I think about and feel guilty a lot

I don't think men will ever fully understand what we go through or how we feel during pregnancy. I imagine a scan to them is just seeing a picture on a screen. We have more of an attachment than them.

A lot of men aren't really into the baby stage and do become more hands on when they get bigger. You've said he is better now that your son is older so he's not completely useless? Also he may surprise you and be more confident with your second baby.
(Obviously this isn't the case for ALL men and some are great with babies).

My partner wasn't into the pregnancy at all, was worried he wouldn't even love our baby. He is the most wonderful dad now. I did more during the first 12 months naturally as I was the one on Mat leave but after that it evened out. Even my brother didn't have much involvement with my son for the first 18 months because he's scared of babies and he did say 'I'll wait till he's walking' 🤣but now they're the best of friends.

I think you need to chat with your partner about needing reassurance with pulling his weight this time around and the way you’re feeling. Being nervous is no excuse to not get involved, you don’t have that luxury!

Don’t make any hasty decisions about the relationship though, pregnancy can change our outlook on things x

I'm lucky to have a very caring husband who really looks after me emotionally. However, even he isn't that interested in all my appointments. He'll turn up for the scans but not midwife/consultant appointments. From his perspective he gets paid a day rate and so it's lost money to him. I just roll with it as I know he is anxious about providing well for the baby. Mens' minds do work differently and I think that's ok.

But I think it's really important that your partner helps out more when the baby is born. It's an important part of bonding. I watched a documentary about oxytocin and how it increases in both mothers and fathers the more they interact with the newborn. This can produce lasting effects on brain chemistry and really help with healthy relationships in the future.