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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Reaction to knowledge of having a boy at twenty week scan

25 replies

zimbogal · 10/03/2008 20:37

Has anyone else had strange response to the knowledge they are having a boy at their twenty week scan. I feel nothing, but guilt at not feeling excited about it. I am worried that it will mean I will struggle to bond with the baby. Is this normal?

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colditz · 10/03/2008 20:38

it's quite a normal feeling, it's hard to love a baby that isn't even there yet. I didn't love either of mine in utero - I'd have died for them the second they were out. Don't worry, you're normal

controlfreakyagain · 10/03/2008 20:38

do you mean you had no expectations and news left you still feeling neutral? or do you mean you wanted a girl and now are disappointed? why did you decide to find out?

controlfreakyagain · 10/03/2008 20:38

do you mean you had no expectations and news left you still feeling neutral? or do you mean you wanted a girl and now are disappointed? why did you decide to find out?

controlfreakyagain · 10/03/2008 20:39

oops!

sophiewd · 10/03/2008 20:41

Me, we have a DD and for some reason had not even accepted that this one could be a boy (which it is) I am glad we found out before birth as has helped with it all and now looking forward to it, in first pregnancy really didn't want a girl and was ambivalent the first few days but now wouldn't be without her.

lilacclaire · 10/03/2008 20:42

I secretly wanted a girl and deep down was a teensy bit disappointed when it wasn't.
On the plus side it gave me the rest of the pregnancy to get used to having a boy and of course when it comes down to it, as long as their healthy and all that....
I do need to even up the male/female ratio in the house though ....

gem1981 · 10/03/2008 20:44

don't worry, your subconcsious is jsut making sense of it all that's all - I felt the same

BoysOnToast · 10/03/2008 20:47

awwww
yeah, it happens.
i hate the word normal, but its common, yes.
i had scan to find out sex with babyno3 in 3yrs... it was a boy (they all are) and i didnt realise how shaken i was by that knowledge till i scraped the side of the car on a bollard trying to leave the carpark of the hospital! (im a v good driver y'know, that is v unusual )

i think i was freaked to be disabused of the beleif that i would have a daughter... i was pretty sure it was my last baby, and i always imagined my future relationship with my daughter... to find that it was never to be was a shock. and i think an understandable one.

you know what tho? my boys and i couldnt be more bonded if we were sponsored by superglue/loctite/whatever theyre called...

i think the fact you can adjust to the knowledge now means that you are more able to bond at birth with your fabulous boy.

congratulations.

ingles2 · 10/03/2008 20:48

1st time I found out I was having a boy I was disappointed. 2nd time I was completely distraught! All I could think of was all those missed shopping experiences, the pink, the glitter,
The minute both of them were born I fell totally and utterly in love and now couldn't imagine having a girl for the life of me. Don't worry at all, how you feel now means absolutely nothing. I'm pretty sure you'll adore him when he arrives.

lilacclaire · 10/03/2008 20:52

Yip, mines is a total mummys boy, you just need time to get used to it.
I think girls want girls and boys want boys iykwim.
My poor brothers got 2 girls haha!

sweetkitty · 10/03/2008 20:55

hi boysontoast am stalking you tonight

I found out we are having DD3 last week, I had a really strong feeling it was a boy this time so am shocked it was another girl (dunno why) like BOT I am mourning the fact I will never have a son, I think it's disappointment for DP really, I know he really wanted a boy. It's not that we don't want a girl, we love our girls to bits just that this is our last baby and we will never have a boy now.

Go buy some blue and name your little boy, it will help you get used to having him. A few days after he is born you'll wonder what you did without him.

Crystaltipsandalaistar · 10/03/2008 21:03

I have 3 boys, and i agree totally with sweetkitty, and Ingles, and I mourned the fact that I would not have my new best friend and the dressing up and the shopping days. Not helped by the fact that I am very close to my mum, and wanted more of the same for me. It was worse with ds2 whom I was convinced would be a girl, and I cried many secret tears. DS3 was a last ditch attempt, and actually I was fine about him being a boy, and i don't think about it at all now. My older son is great, and I have a lovely friendship with him especially.

BoysOnToast · 10/03/2008 21:14

lol at stalking skitty. have cat'd you

Schatzi · 10/03/2008 21:44

I have just had the same news and am devastated. All logic and rational goes out of the window I'm afraid and not a lot is consoling right now - especially not the thuds reminding me every few hours!!!!

whomovedmychocolate · 10/03/2008 21:51

I felt really odd about having a boy - I found out after an amnio a few weeks ago. But then I realised it meant I'd have a matching set, one boy, one girl and that it's going to be a great experience and something new.

There are a lot of bits of pregnancy that we are told we 'should' be excited about, yet it's entire subjective. I was excited to get to the booking appt because I'd had two previous miscarriages before that point. Everyone thought I was really mad when I got very happy then.

Conversely went for my anomaly scan today and was fairly unexcited and uninterested (knew the baby was okay because of amnio and various other tests).

Don't get hung up on it, what you feel is what you feel, what you don't, you don't, you will still love and bond with your baby

purplegiraffe · 10/03/2008 22:02

I have one dd and with second pregnanyc we found out it was a boy att he 20 week scan. To say dp and I were completely gutted is an understatement - we were so upset we hardly spoke to each other for days!

I was absolutely convinced I would never bond with him or love him, couldn't imagine even cuddling him, as I so desperately wanted to give dd a sister.

I read threads on here saying how people had bonded immediately at the birth and thought that that would never happen to me. Even during delivery I was ambivalent to say the least and asked as soon a he wasborn to se if they had made a mistake.

As soon as he was handed to dp, he fell in love with him and n hour later I was the same. I completely adore everything about him and feel so guilty at all the horrible things I thought during my pregnancy.

charlotte121 · 10/03/2008 22:08

I was the same when i found out i was expecting ds... was totally devistated. somehow i had just assumed it was going to be a girl... had names picked out even had an image of what she would look like in my head but once I began to get used to the idea and started to bond with the baby it was fine. I wouldnt cahnge him for the world. Then found out i was expecting a few months after ds was born... again i made the stupid mastake of assuming this little one would be a boy... found out im having a girl. LOL theres no pleasing some people is there.
Will be nice to have one of each. I am just beginning to realise that.

Schatzi · 10/03/2008 22:27

Unfortunately I have a husband who thinks that he will have his boy circumcised - which compounds the deep-seated wishes to have a girl a hundred fold!!! having tried to use the scientific approach to getting a girl, and thinking that it could still be a boy did not prepare me for the actual words 'it's a boy'
I'll probably feel guilty and already do, as I know if it's healthy thats all that matters, but i just see it driving myself and my hubbie apart at whatever stage it rears its head again. I have said that if he wanted his boy circumcised, I'd want my boy baptised, but he doesnt seem to understand the concept of that being a compromise if neither of us force our religion on the child!!!
No rational thought process helps and part of it now is probably resentment towards the
idea of the circumcision and not the sex! (I only say that as I have a 13month old nephew who is gorgeous) Still don't want a boy though - especially in a multi-cultural marriage!!!
The midwifes' reaction? Stay behind at your next appointment for a chat - 3 weeks away!!! and - U should be enjoying your pregnancy - forgive me for being naive - at 23 weeks - or any othjer time - have I missed something? Is there anything to enjoy about pregnancy????

ladytophamhatt · 10/03/2008 22:34

when I found out ds4 was a boy I cried and cried and cried.

Not because i didn't want another boy but because of the little girl I'd never have.

As it was, I bonded with him far quicker then any of teh others.
He's the light of my life....

debinaustria · 11/03/2008 14:36

With ds1 and ds2 I didn't find out until the birth. When ds1 was born I was ecstatic that everything was Ok, and great that he was a boy, when ds2 was born I thought oh - another boy but fell in love straight away -but it was dh that struggled with the feelings of disappointment. This time I wanted to know but baby doesn't want us to, Dr can't see boy bots or girl bits so he said it might be a girl. We are secretly hoping for a girl and wanted to find out the sex beforehand so that if it's a boy we have time to get used to the idea.

Flamesparrow · 11/03/2008 14:55

I had always pictured myself with two girls.

I think it was because I was one of 2 girls, most of my side of the family are girls.

I had DD, and got pregnant again and I was terrified of having a boy - I know girls, I have been a girl. Boys were this unknown thing to me, and I had this image of my two little girls sat playing etc.

I didn't find out the baby's sex, and when DS was born, yes, I was a bit numb.

I loved my new baby, but he wasn't the little girl I had pictured. It took a couple of months for me to get over losing that image, the two girls I had pictured growing up together. I wasn't not bonded with him, it just wasn't what I had expected.

Then, one night, I remember looking into his crib, seeing him asleep, and suddenly loving my son rather than my "baby".

It did take time to get my head round it, but I wouldn't swap him for the world.

If there is a next time, I can honestly say I have no preference. DD has been hard because she has various quirks, DS climbs things I love them both with all my heart, in entirely different ways.

You will bond with him.

Don't panic if you don't get some sudden rush of love the instant he comes out - it will come.

Peachy · 11/03/2008 16:40

I agree with everything boysontoast says- I'm expecting my 4th boy, with the added 'concern' that two of mine have a disability that can be genbtic and is more common in boys. Dh was in aprticular disappointed not to be having a girl, and ds2 was (he's thr NT one), but although I had expected to find it really difficult ina ctuality I found it hailarious and laughed my head off at teh news, am still doing so 17.5 weeks afterwards!.

Peachy · 11/03/2008 16:42

FS is right as well- bonding will come. there are manyr easons why bonding with a baby can be delayed, gender is but one of them. true love grows and even if your initial reaction shook youa bit, that's OK- and probably better to deal with it now than post birth I think.

pelafina · 11/03/2008 16:46

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Original poster

zimbogal · 11/03/2008 17:58

Thanks everyone... i feel so encouraged that i am not the only one out there with these weird feelings. I went out today and bought loads of blue things and my husband and i have started seriously considering names. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement.

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