Eating disorder and pregnancy.

[LolaStanley1]

Hi everybody,

feel a little ashamed to be writing this and I felt I was coping ok but I just feel so sick of feeling like I do. When I was younger I developed bulimia and then anorexia but I never told anybody except my best friend at the time. I eventually went on medication for depression and anxiety and that helped so much. I met my partner and unfortunately gained a lot of weight. I had my son and didn’t struggle too much even though the pregnancy was hard as my partner wasn’t as supportive as he could have been as he was terrified. This time he is 💯 supportive and for the most time I’ve been exercising and eating healthy but recently due to SPD I haven’t managed to exercise too much and when I don’t I tend to make myself sick. I’ve made myself sick so many times I’m sick all the time and keep pulling what feels like a muscle in my uterus. I guess I’m starting to be scared I am effecting the baby and I don’t want to but it in danger but I also don’t want to discuss it with anybody. I guess I just wanted to say it to somebody. Anyways if you took the time to read this thank you.

added: I probably should have added the most important part.. this bulimia all started when my old best friend (who knew about my condition) kept saying I was fat and wouldn’t fit into anything anymore etc. needless to say she’s not in my life anymore but I struggle with the comments.

Edited.

I don't have personal experience but didn't want to read and run

I know you're not keen on speaking to anyone about this but I really would tell your midwife. She might want to add in extra tests / growth scans just to keep an eye on baby and support you to make sure all is well. You wouldn't necessarily need to tell family and friends the reason for extra appointments - extra growth scans can be booked for lots of reasons. They might also want to transfer you to consultant-led care.

I think it's really brave to post here and share what you're going through. Your ex-friend is a tosser and you're well rid!

Oh sorry, I did mean to say too that you can treat SPD effectively with the right physio, although the NHS won't offer it. My midwife was able to recommend a private physio to me who specialises in SPD and manipulation / acupuncture- it was about £60 per session but I went from hobbling and hunched over to walking normally and pretty much pain free.

Just in case you're in the midlands, this is the therapist I saw and she's amazing!

www.backintoaction.co.uk/clare-woodward

I'm sorry you're going through this but you really should mention it to your midwife. You could be depriving yourself and the baby of nutrients and they may need to give you some extra checks. In my experience midwives are very understanding and probably helped many women in similar positions before.

I don’t have personal experience but I know how difficult I’ve found coming to terms with my body changing, so I can’t imagine how difficult that must be with ED history. I think it’s quite a normal reaction, but I’m sorry you’re feeling this way too, it must be really hard.
it does sound like you’re struggling with an ED again and I doubt the being sick will be a problem for the baby but maybe if neither of you are getting enough food and nutrition that’s not ideal. You want to be as strong and healthy as you can be, and that doesn’t necessarily mean ‘thin’
I really would encourage you to speak to someone, I’m sure there is support available and it can’t be nice suffering with this alone. You certainly won’t be the first woman in this position. Well done for talking about it here as a first step

Thanks for your replies. I agree I should talk to somebody but unfortunately my midwife is absolutely useless. I’ve reached out to her several times about different matters one being SPD help and she never replied. I guess I feel immensely selfish because well it is, and guilty with it not just being about me, it’s my partners baby and he would be so upset if he knew, For both of us. Another worry I have is, because I’m no longer slim, and classed as over weight I feel like my midwife will laugh at me and just think well you aren’t doing a good job at an eating disorder. Even though I know bulimia doesn’t always help you lose weight more keep weight off. I’m obsessively weighing myself daily praying not to have put any more weight on I’m 30 weeks and I’ve put on 9 pounds which I feel is quite a lot, if you think the baby only weights approx 3 pounds.

the nhs suggests pregnant women gain up to 20-28lbs for an ‘average’ weight gain, and it’s not just the baby, it’s the water and the placenta and all the extra blood in your body, water retention etc.
I would hope if your partner is decent he will be supportive too, you are not simply a host body for his child, he doesn’t get a say in how you act. He should instead do what he can to support you in getting well for you and the baby.
I really do think you need to speak to someone, try a gp if not your midwife, because I don’t think you’re being rational about this, understandably, but you need outside support.

Well done for posting and being honest with yourself - that takes more than you might appreciate. My SIL struggled with anorexia for 15 years and will probably not be able to have children as a result, so I'm very happy that you can. She is now happy and as healthy as she will ever be, but that was a result of lots of therapy and talking. You say you don't want to talk to anyone about this and I understand that feeling, but how do you plan to get better? Was your GP helpful last time?

Pregnancy is harsh on your mental health at the best of times so please be kind to yourself.

i never told my GP, once I was put on antidepressants my ED issues faded away but I had also become healthier exercising regularly and eating correctly. I’m still on my antidepressants thankfully, I guess I also feel like I don’t want to tell my midwife because it’s not consistent. Sometimes I’m ok, and I can have weeks where I eat healthy and exercise well, it’s just when I don’t stay on top of it I feel myself slipping and like I said before, I feel so fat that the midwife will probably just be like yeah you ok, you got reserves

Argh I had a long, well thought-out post and then a child made it disappear, sorry! Well, the upshot was that this might not be the most difficult thing you have to face over the next year or so and having at least one person know what's going on with you would be helpful.

To be clear, you can absolutely be fat and malnourished. This is not a helpful coping mechanism for you or your baby and you deserve to feel better about yourself than you do right now.

I feel I need to update the situation as you have all been so lovely. I spoke to my partner earlier as he sensed I was down and I explained the intrusive thoughts and that it was nothing he could do, and explain why they are worse now I can’t exercise as much. He totally understand but also didn’t know how to help as he said I knew it wasn’t logical but I can’t help how I feel. I mentioned why I can’t talk to my midwife and he totally understood as even he agrees she’s not been the best. Thank you all for taking your time to message, it does mean a lot.