DD (6) really not happy about my pregnancy

[Amae]

Posting as I am just at a bit of a loss at the moment and it is really starting to get me down.

Me and DH have a DD (6), I am currently 6 months pregnant and DD hasn't taken the news well at all. All she ever says is how much she hates the baby, wishes it wasn't happening etc. We understand the fact she's had us all to herself for her whole life and I know she's worried about 'losing our love' because she's told friends at school (who's mum told me) 😢 and we constantly reassure her nothing will change in terms of how much we love her etc.

We weren't going to find out the sex but she said she wanted to know so we thought it might help her adjust if she knows what to expect, we let her find out at the same time we did yesterday- she said she wanted a brother but turns out we are having another girl ❤️ this didn't go down well at all, she sobbed and sobbed (genuinely upset tears not just doing it for attention etc, I could tell she really was devastated) and completely ruined the moment of us finding out (obviously) as we really had a tiny hope it would have been a happy moment for her.

Anyway, I reached my breaking point yesterday and have cried a lot since, I feel like I've let her down by even being pregnant in the first place
As she so clearly doesn't want a sister .. then I cry because I feel guilty for crying about my unborn baby.. it's just a real shit show of emotions for me at the moment and I don't really want other people to know how I am feeling so have turned here in the hope someone can offer me reassurance that this will get better and she will adjust?

Just to add- she's genuinely a sweet little soul and really loves the other babies in the family which is why this has taken me back so much.

Can you get your mother / MIL / sister to have a chat with her?
You shouldn't subject yourself to this stress at this stage of the pregnancy.

Don’t mention it again. If she does then change the subject. Take the focus off it all for now.

The bottom line is that a baby is on the way whether she likes it or not so she is going to have to get used to the idea eventually.

You've tried everything kind by the sound of it. Now is the time to deal with it in a no nonsense way.

We're having a baby and that's just the way it is. We will still love you. Change the subject, move in, rinse repeat.

Stop indulging her sobbing and nonense. She does it as she knows it works. No 6 year old gets to dictate to their parents what they can and can't do.

Time to say it's happening and that's it. You do not want to get into a scenario where she is jealous of you being with the baby when here.

I think you’re letting your guilt cloud your judgement. The baby is coming, your DD will cope as millions of other children have coped. I would stop letting your DD take decisions like whether to find out the sex. She’s just a child, it’s too much. And by putting too much weight on her being upset you risk confirming to her that she should be upset.

So, reassuring her is great and being very loving-wonderful. But you also need to show her that this is just life, the baby is coming, and she will be fine. So a bit of briskness and no nonsense will also be called for sometimes. Don’t let your conflicted feelings get in the way of being the parent.

Stop pandering to her.

This is hard. I don’t really know what to suggest OP but you’ve had some shit advice so far. She’s clearly feeling disoriented, overwhelmed, powerless etc so leaning in to that by telling her to shut up and soldier on in hardly going to help.

I think you did the right thing by giving her some choice and autonomy in finding out the sex, even if this backfired in the moment.

I remember hating each of my siblings as they were announced. Partly because my parents could barely cope already (doesn’t sound like your circumstances), partly because I was massively noise sensitive/sensory overloaded and I knew on a subliminal level that a baby would be a nightmare. I don’t think this was even noticed in my family (different times!) so I applaud you for really caring. I don’t know what the solution is but you’ll work it out because you’re clearly very loving and invested in your daughter’s wellbeing.

I had this exact age gap. My older daughter wasn't too bad when I was pregnant but she literally didn't acknowledge the baby's existence for several weeks/ months after. I don't blame her- DD2 screamed her head off for ages! Now they are 12 and 6 and they get on pretty well. I would just stop mentioning it, you can't change it.

Not sure if it helps but there’s a similar age gap between me and my only sibling (a sister). I’m so pleased my parents had her and that I have a sibling in my life. I also liked that I got attention as the big sister. You could try talking to her about that angle - all the things her sister won’t be able to do and will need someone to show her about.
Also maybe just let her talk about her worries and acknowledge it’ll be a big change for everyone - but make it clear there’s no need for her to be wailing about it.

I think it’s partly her age and it will pass if you just carry on without really expecting her to be involved and making a thing of it. Peak jealousy hit for my dd at this age and honestly one time she literally went off in the huff shouting “everybody wants to look at THAT baby instead of me!” When we were watching old video of HER as a baby! 🤣 she was jealous of herself!!! She went through a brief phase around that age of like regressing, as if it was her realising that she was actually growing up and she wanted baby things for a bit like a dummy (which she’d never even had!) and a nightlight thing. I indulged these and the phase passed quickly but it was like she needed to do this as a goodbye to her own baby/toddler days. Very outing of family are on here… oh well. She became a cousin age 7 and was a bit jealous but loved the baby and actually because a big sister age 9 and was fabulous.
Downplay anything about baby or pregnancy just now, be matter of fact. Let her talk and sympathise but don’t get drawn in
“I don’t want a baby sister”
“Oh well. What do you want for breakfast”

dont cajoule or promise it will be great or fun etc. Find something nice for you to do alone eg buy yourself a lovely pregnancy diary or book regular massages as you don’t want to feel like you can’t enjoy this pregnancy… I am certain she will be absolutely fine but just take away the expectations for now and her interest will probably develop herself as she doesn’t feel the pressure. Get other people on board to NOT speak to her about it either… especially over Xmas etc.

I can imagine it's very hard for you, especially a joyful time being tarnished with such negative emotions.

I think it will get worse before it gets better if I'm honest. New babies take alot of attention/ make alot of noise, hopefully she will step up to being a helpful big sister. Is she a child that likes to be Miss independent or does she like being the baby?

It's a stressful time and there is nothing wrong with crying, it's just serotonin released.

No one grows up disliking their siblings forever, they will bond and some kids naturally hate the thought of change. Surely, her friends have siblings- maybe they will talk about all the positives.

It’s not unusual!

She’s feeling overwhelmed and out of control.

I think the key thing to say to her is that love expands - it isn’t finite. And then just drop the subject.

Don’t put her under any pressure to be delighted about the baby. Many siblings aren’t - why would they be? Babies cry and take attention and life needs to be organised around them. It’s v boring for an older child.

Make sure your get time along with her, and make a point of letting her plan what you do. Encourage her to do a few helpful things with for the baby, but don’t expect her to love her at this stage.

It’ll all be fine when they are older.

i agree that at this point you’re pandering and actually making it a bigger thing than it needs to be. The more people around her are reassuring her, the more she’s hearing that she should be upset and make a big fuss.

It is happening - so just be matter of fact about that and concentrate on normal life. In the end, she’ll have a little sister and that’s just how life goes.

I would lay off the baby chat around her.

When my eldest met the baby after me giving birth I made sure my husband was holding the baby so we could physically connect immediately as I’d been away 2 days in hospital.

I also had a present from the baby for him, something he had been wanting.

I had a friend in this exact situation, genders the same and same feeling etc. The daughter never came around in pregnancy, she wouldn't even look at the baby when she was born BUT within a week of the birth, she was perfectly fine with her sister being there 😊. She's almost 6 years and baby is 8 months, no issues since. Hang in there x

Hi all,

Thanks so much for the different advice, it's given me a kick up the arse to stop pandering to her quite so much (we always have done this and it is something we know we need to reign in a bit) but also just to not get myself worked up about it and wait and see how she is once the baby is here - I am confident she will be a lovely big sister. Thankyou everyone for the advice and reassurance it's really helped x

My daughter is six and son is one. Some days she pushes him about one minute and cuddles him the next. Taken a while but I think she loves him now. 😂

Same thing happened to me. I was five when my sister was born. Everyone ignored me for at least a month. But all was well in the end because I was better looking and more interesting. People flocked back to me and just acknowledged her. It’s been that way ever since.

Have you said how much fun it will be to be a big sis, and how they will be bff when they are older? Emphasis the positives over and over.

As an only child I can understand your 6 year old I would Of been devastated as a child if another baby had come along, but I think
Once the baby actually comes you need to include her as much as possible let her help with the baby but also make sure she doesn't feel like the baby gets all the attention it's not going to be easy for a little while but she will come around . Maybe also a little present from the baby for her when it comes my brother did this and softened the blow when they met.

No advice as I only have one DD atm, but that's the same age gap between me and my younger sister. I remember feeling very annoyed that everything was changing, but, I loved her when she came along (and still do) and although there was a time where we couldn't do much together due to the gap, we are now best friends and very grateful to have each other.

I agree 100%. The pandering and cajoling needs to stop. You're having a baby and that's that. I would also make it crystal clear that saying things like she "hates" the baby is unequivocally not allowed. It's hurtful, ugly language that should not be acceptable in your home.

Why have you bumped a thread from November?

I think she needs a lot of love and help to feel secure and even more when the baby arrives so her world doesn't change more than has to while things settle . I think for some dc this is such a normal reaction as they feel secure and happy and such a big change can be misunderstood as a threat to that.
A friend with a big career round parenting etc recommended not holding the new baby when they first meet and it was really helpful for us . Our eldest ignored the Moses basket at first and i made sure she knew how thrilled i was to be with her and asked what we should do together (baby luckily was anyway asleep ). She also said don't make any fuss about their arrival with presents from baby or anything. They are so close now and these feelings usually definitely pass but careful handling and understanding them helps .
imo she is just feeling her world and identity under threat .