young, nervous and pregnant

[239smile]

Hello all
Im looking for some kind advice and reassurance.
I am very shocked to have discovered I am pregnant again, around 2-3 days ago. Im a few years around 20 years old, and I'm in the last year of my degree . I had an early termination this year, and it's something that has really played on my mind. I terminated because I would have had to leave my degree, plus I knew without a doubt id have to rely on benefits etc. and I wanted to give my future a better chance. I didn't consider the fathers opinion however he agreed it was definitely the right decision. But I still felt really heartbroken not to be able to have the baby and wished my circumstances were different.

But half a year later, I'm pregnant again, and this baby has fought through 2 types of contraception to come into existence. Im incredibly early finding out, so I've still got all the options and time to think.
My reaction was excitement and happy tears, as I've always been so maternal, however it was followed by the fear of 'can I actually do this?' yet again. I know I can work and save during this pregnancy to buy the baby necessities. My parents would absolutely love a grandchild, but they are poor and live 2-3 hours away. So that means there is very little they could do to support me here, unless I moved back home, far away from the father.
The baby will arrive after I have finished my degree, which is one strong positive.

My relationship with the father is the most contentious issue. I love everything about him and would follow him to the other side of the earth without hesitation. On paper, he seems to be in the almost perfect position. Mid -late twenties, He earns well and has impressive savings, has a nice car, he currently lives at home but could afford to get a flat straight away, and I would definitely financially contribute. He has a very big, successful family that lives nearby. We have been together for about 1.5 years but it hasn't been perfect. He is extremely ambitious, motivated, and obsessed with making money. His reaction has been very calm but negative- "not emotionally ready", "things like this need to be planned", and saying "you need to think about our future" etc. He clearly wants me to have another abortion, but I really don't want too.
It feels like the one 'key' in this situation to everything being okay is him deciding to step up, become a father and deciding that everything will be okay. He can afford it, his family would be happy In the end, and I would be incredibly willing to support his career needs. but obviously, I can't force him to do this.
All I really need is for him to agree to live with me once my current tenancy ends and the baby comes, as I would not be able to afford to rent on my own with a baby.
We have agreed to have a big talk within the next few days, where we can both share our feelings for what we want to happen next. I partly believe that this is just cold feet, and that once he knows that my heart is set on having the baby he will come around to it.
I already know he would support me and not abandon me, but I want to be together and living together as a family. I guess Im just really scared that things wont work out. Has anyone else gone through something similar to me? Did you have a partner that was against having a baby, but it all worked out in the end? or do you think i'm completely crazy?

Unfortunately I think there is practically zero chance this man is going to do anything to support you.

I was pregnant with DD at 17 and she was born just a few months before I took my first A-level exams. I went onto uni the following year and did everything that I was “expected” to do from then on. DP is great and an amazing dad and has only gotten better over the years.

If I could go back and change the age I had my first child, I still wouldn’t. It worked out really well for us and it has been a pleasure “growing” with DD. Of course this is only my experience and other people may have found it far more difficult for varying reasons. What I will say is most posters on MN tend to look down on young mums so you may not get unbiased advice on here. Then again, it could be argued that my experiences make my advice biased too.

I would say go with your gut - it sounds as if you want to go ahead with the pregnancy so if that’s what you want, do it. If you do, I recommend finishing uni even with the baby if you can - once you have your degree that’s yours to keep, regardless of what may or may not happen with your DP. Keep your independence as much as possible.

okay, thanks for the input

thank you so much for your story, and thank you for the heads up about people being negative to young mums on here. I feel reassured, I do feel in my gut that everything would be okay, but I will see how my talk with the father goes <3 thank you

I think if you can do this alone and are happy to then everything else is a bonus. If you can't then you have to be realistic for your future.

I already know he would support me and not abandon me,
unfortunately I don’t think you can be confident of that. You say he’s in a perfect position, he’s not a teenager, but an adult with a career, impressive finances and family and financial support, and still he does not want to do this and is not ready to ‘step up’ and be a father.
no matter what he says when you talk, I think you have to prepare yourself for him not being around. If he is then great, but there’s a huge chance he won’t be and if that’s the case at least you’ve made your decision with all the information.

I was at uni when I found out I was having DD and me and her dad had been together less than 6 months. He still had a couple of years left to go on his degree. It's all worked out and her dad and I are married and have now been together 17 years.

But DH was nothing but supportive of whatever I wanted to do from the minute he found out.

However, i was fully prepared to go it alone if needs be. I think you also need to be prepared for the fact you could end up a single mum and that this man may leave you.

Edited to add: you would be entitled to benefits and child support also. I also know another girl who got pregnant at uni aged 19. She had her baby and broke up with the father. She's now married to someone else.

Out of interest, what type of contraception were you using? Very strange to get pregnant if you are doubling up and using it as advised every time.

Perhaps he will step up and support you but it would be wise to prepare yourself for the worst. Ask yourself if you would be willing to do this alone as you never know what is going to happen.

I think you need to look at this situation from a very practical point of view… you say you can’t afford to rent with a baby if he doesn’t live with you, but realistically he can leave you whenever he wants so you need to check what your options are financially if doing this alone. Once the baby is born if you are renting alone you’d likely receive some universal credit so you need to check 1-2bed rental prices in your area and how much help you’d get financially.

Supporting his career is pointless, you aren’t married and he isn’t pregnant, so look into what help you will get with childcare to support YOUR career. If he sticks around then great, im not saying he won’t, but having some independence and knowledge is your strongest tool here. The last thing you want is to be stuck in a horrible relationship with a tiny baby and absolutely no idea how to be able to leave. Are yourself with the ability to raise your child alone if needed, don’t plan to need to rely on a man who doesn’t want a baby yet.

I worked with women having terminations and so often they came back pregnant within months.

If your gut is telling you not to terminate then you must not.

Hey I'm also pregnant unplanned and I'm 17. I think I'm going to keep it. Not sure exactly what to say as kinda in similar position and scared about it too. I guess if you had abortion before and regretted it maybe best not to have another and you would have your degree by then. Not sure exactly what to say just I know how scary it is too and hard to think

I fell pregnant at 20 as a student, and was just 21 when I had my eldest. My dp was 3y older and had a secure job (not well paid, but permanent and reliable). He recognised it was my decision to proceed or not, and loved me enough to try and give it a go. Our families were disappointed but generally supportive. I had to give up my study for a time but went back, two kids later and achieved a first class degree with academic prizes.

I do think you need to plan for your dp not to want to be involved. If you really want to do it, be prepared to go it alone. Have you got friends and family locally who can support you, or can you move back closer to your family? You will be entitled to benefits with a small child, and you will always have your degree. Don't lose focus!

I'm not sure whether it is helpful to have a happy ending (or otherwise) story. Me and dp, now dh, have been together for coming up to 25 years. We are happy together and have 3 grown up/late teens dcs. I can't regret the decisions I made. I have been successful in my career and have great prospects. The kids are lovely. We are financially very comfortable and live in a lovely house. Now our kids are just about grown we have the sweet spot of enough money, enough time, and our health, to enable us to enjoy our lives.

However, it was tough. Really tough. Being treated like irresponsible children by family members and healthcare professionals. Relying on the generosity of family to help us furnish our first house. Working minimum wage jobs and putting our kids in childcare, with dh working nights and me working days, never seeing each other to manage the holiday childcare for 3 kids. Missing out on 'young people' activities, nights out, holidays. Our friends were so much younger and freer than we were and we lost a lot of old friends. I was very lonely for a few years, until I went back to uni.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. If you want to have your baby, this should not be reliant on this man, but on your own resources.

All I really need is for him to agree to live with me once my current tenancy ends and the baby comes, as I would not be able to afford to rent on my own with a baby.

With all due respect OP, this really isn’t ‘all’ you need from him. Raising a baby with someone is hard in the best of circumstances, it can split up couples who were actively trying to have a baby. To think that if he just a agreed to live with you, everything will be ok with your relationship is not rational. That is not to say you shouldn’t have the baby, you absolutely should if it’s what you want. However, I think you should only do it if you are prepared to do it alone. You can force him to support you financially but you can’t force him to do anything else. Given his current position, you need to consider the fact that this baby might end your relationship. it may well still be the right thing to do to have it, but I think you need to be realistic.

Good luck x

Hi op I jad my 1st baby at 17. And never looked back. I'm.now pregnant with my 4th baby. I've also had all the opportunities to work with the support system around me.

I think you should go with your gut feeling. Soundss as tho u have made your mind up.