Pregnant with unplanned third and petrified.

[Bu22]

I feel like an awful person typing this, but I have no one to turn to and I feel so incredibly scared.

Failed contraception and pregnant with third (DC1 is nearly 3 & DC2 is just 7 months).

I am really happy with my two and never thought if adding to our family. I mean, maybe one day (maybe) but definitely not now.

My DP is so happy but I feel sick to my stomach (I know how awful this sounds). I get no help and cannot imagine coping well with 3 little ones.

I don’t know what to do but I am currently an absolute mess and feel like my life has been turned completely upside down.

Desperately in need of a hand today…

I'm sorry you're in a situation you didn't want to be. Can you think through what's behind your feelings and imagine trying to problem solve? Does your partner also feel like it would be overwhelming or is the over the moon feeling the only thing he's expressed?

@Flittingaboutagain thank you for your response. I just feel overwhelmed already with 2 under 3yo, I find it manageable but I feel this is the max I could currently handle.

I struggle to find 5 minutes to myself and can easily let myself go if I don’t carefully plan each day.

DP just says he is very happy and can’t wait - but then his life doesn’t really change as he just works all the time and is never here to be hands on like I am!

I just feel so stuck.

You have options. I found myself in the same situation. I ended up having a termination on my younger child's first birthday. Best decision. I felt privileged to have the option to do so and I know that it was right for our family. DH was fully supportive though, which I appreciate adds an extra dimension. I was only 5/6 weeks along and the actual process was fine, if you'd told me it was just a period I'd have believed you.

@anothernameanotherproblem thank you for sharing. I feel so happy with two, like I said above it’s manageable and days out, holidays etc are doable. I don’t drive, can’t imagine trying to hump a bug double buggy and a toddler on a bus. It just changes absolutely everything.

You are lucky that your DH was so supportive though, that does really help. In my case it would take a lot of justification, which is saddening me because it really shouldn’t…

PP is right, you do have the privilege of options to end the pregnancy, for some that is an easy decision, (it would be for me) but for others it might be an extremely difficult thing to contemplate for all sorts of reasons.

Unfortunately your DP cannot have it both ways. He cannot welcome a third child and continue to make little contribution to family life but also heap guilt on your shoulders for making the decision to stick with two (that you can cope with).

He needs to understand that, this would be a deal breaker for me personally. FWIW I have three close in age and it's wonderful, I'm glad we have three. However it is extremely full on. My DP is heavily involved and if he wasn't I would regret the third every day because my mental health would be in bits!

What a difficult decision for you, life is so hard for women sometimes. I hope you feel ok about it all soon.

Do you have enough room in the house and a big enough car for 3 children Op? What about things like childcare fees? Is it affordable for you to have 3? I’m currently pregnant with my 2nd and would categorically not have a 3rd regardless of how anyone else felt.

Does your DH understand how you feel? Does he understand it’s your body? Is he aware of how little help you get? I would have a further honest conversation with him.

I can understand how daunting this must feel.

Will your oldest DC go to nursery soon, get their free hours? Would that help at all?

Are you able to access a counselling service, so you can talk to somebody impartially about all your worries.

Sending you so much love.

Are there material lifestyle changes (not vague promises to help more) that would mean you could be genuinely happy with a third? E.g. you and dh both work part-time, getting a cleaner or nanny, moving near to supportive family.

If yes, I'd discuss that with dh, keeping things as they are vs a third AND changes.

But if there aren't circumstances where you're happy with more dc, or dh won't agree to them, I'd get an abortion and feel no guilt. Your wellbeing is important.

Tell the lazy fucker you aren't happy about it because he doesn't even parent the 2 kids you do have. Tell him you categorically cannot have 3 kids the way things are and you need to sit down and work out what needs to change.

Thank you for all of your replies. So DS1 goes to nursery 2 days per week for 6 hours which massively helps. DS2 is only 7 months, he is very clingy to me now and is crawling absolutely everywhere!

DP leaves for work at around 6am and doesn’t typically return until 8pm. We JUST about would have enough space (although it would be crowded) and would need a bigger car.

It’s not that though, it’s the fact that I know I will be a sleep deprived disaster of a person and I hate that. I know it’s only 3-4 years of utter exhaustion before things start to settle into routines with nurseries/schools etc but sometimes I struggle to think long term and only can think short term! I have to be honest, I just don’t feel anything. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel excited. I feel nervous, sick, scared and don’t think it’s fair to bring a baby into the world feeling this way.

Then again, I did pass a family with 3 teens/pre teens on the way to the nursery this morning and I wondered if I’d live to regret it. They looked so happy and close knit. But then what if my feelings never change and I regretted the third. That would be even worse, surly? Long term, yes great. But short term, I’d struggle so much. It’s even the little things i’m feeling selfish about, like this year is the first year settled in a home as family for Christmas (previous few years have been with parents in between moving house / buidling work etc), I want it to be special as DS1 is excited for xmas for the first time. I wanted to go places, santas grotto etc etc, but if I went ahead then I will be sick throughout December (always suffer horrific sickness first 3 months). I will ruin the whole christmas period.

Sounds pathetic, but what i’m saying is that i’m happy. We are in our home, excited for christmas, two lovely children (which I find manageable), I don’t want to shake that up.

It's not pathetic, it is totally understandable and justifiable to not want to shake this up.

And it's ok to decide not now for another baby. You can still have three in due course.

Does dh know how you feel? Could he be going all in on the feeling excited because he is unaware you are having a dilemma about the situation? If you haven't already spelt out to him how you feel please do so, then he will be better placed to understand and support you.
If you have already been clear with him, then that is harder, that he isn't understanding you. You can still find the space to work out what is best for you. Do you have a friend or family who you can talk it all through with? Or counselling from a pregnancy advisory service.

Fwiw, I was pregnant 'too soon' , but not as small gaps as you. Then had a miscarriage which I was both sad and relieved about. Time has passed, I feel at peace with that and now have three dc (with a few years between each). Not the same, but sharing as there are so many ways that this can play out and there isn't a right and wrong, just what's best for you now.
Good luck op

I have very similar feelings to you atm, surprise 3rd pregnancy although my second child is a little older than yours 20 months. Don’t feel guilty for the way you feel, it’s a shock and it’s a lot to come to terms with whatever you decide to do.

I’m now 15 weeks and to be honest I’m still not completely used to the idea, although I can feel my mindset shifting very slightly to be slightly more positive. I’ve only had negative feelings whenever I imagine the future up til now, and can only thing about how hard it will be.

Don’t expect to have a clear mind, it’s okay to be confused and struggle with it. If you do decide to go ahead- it still might take along time to come to terms be patient with yourself! It’s hard when everyone’s immediate reaction to a pregnancy is joy and happiness when you feel different.

3-4 years is actually a long time to be miserable. It's absolutely okay to consider your options, especially as it sounds like all the actual hard work sits with you. 6am to 8pm Mon-Fri solo can't be sustained with 3 at home with this age gap. Make that clear. You will absolutely need more help if you go ahead with the pregnancy.

Just found out 1 week ago i am 5 weeks pregnany with my Third!! I am so scared an nervous what to do and just cant come to a conclusion, my kids are 9 and 5 just now and we are settled. Have a large family holiday booked which would be unable to attend as will be due then, kids already know and are so excited!!

I currently have a 2 bedroom house which obv would need to move already looking to currently move anyway, i have a stabl3 job a supportive family not financially well off but dont struggle, prev had a misscarriage and an abortion over a year ago as was just not the right time.

I feel so silly back in this same scenario again how stupid reallly i know so please dont judge 😔
I really dont know what to do for the best i dont want to let my kids down by takint there holiday away from them but another termination fills me with dread and i just cant seem to see a viable reason for it!!!

Thinking of you @Bu22, did you have a chance to speak to your other half?

@anothernameanotherproblem thank you so much for checking in.

I actually had a telephone appt yesterday with Nupas who are sending out pills in the post. Although still very very unsure.

Spoke to DP, but only briefly as it quickly turned sour - he is absolutely adamant that he wants the baby. The worst part is that I haven’t even told him about the telephone appt yesterday…

This sounds awful but this pregnancy has made me so grateful for the situation I am in (without a third). Having two under 3 suddenly seems relatively easy in comparison! I am really feeling so grateful.

But in terms of the third… I’m sorry to say I still feel sick about it and numb. I did tell my mum and cousin as we are very close, they both agreed with me that it would really be quite tough. My brother has 3 kids, but see he works from home and his wife is a SAHM, they are both hands on with the kids so share the load completely. If I had the same situation maybe things would be different, but for me, my partner leaves before we are up and is home when the kids are already in bed… so it would all be on me.

Having said that, there is a teeny tiny part of me scared of regretting it… so I am still in a deep hole of despair and confusion! Main problem though is DP, sadly…

I was in your position at the end of last year. My kids are very slightly older, my oldest was 3 years 2 months and my younger one was 8 months when I found out I was pregnant. My immediate response was total panic. I had number 3 10 weeks ago and I don't have any regrets now he's here. It's actually been less difficult then I expected but still a harder transition then going from 1-2. I feel very complete. That doesn't mean it isn't hard though! If your DH is on board I would put conditions in place, more days at nursery for the kids and a cleaner to help. Or maybe a part time nanny who can also cover some domestic chores and help with bath/bed a couple of times a week.
Edited to add that I also think so much depends on the personalities of the older children. My mum had identical gaps to me but had a very different experience due to personalities/genders.

I'm sorry he's not on your side, just makes it so much harder but as you say his life will hardly change. Imagine you got to unilaterally decide on a massive change to his life? Of course it wouldn't happen. I would say honesty is the best policy, but it's your body. If you chose to take the pills without him knowing and started bleeding... would he know any differently to it being a miscarriage? That's possibly terrible advice but I feel very strongly that it's your decision to make and if he doesn't listen then he's a bad egg.

I know my marriage wouldn't have survived a third. Tbh it's hanging by a thread with 2 but the total resentment I felt towards my husband for the first 6 months of both babies being born was all consuming. I hated him and his useless nipples and his useless ears that just didn't seem to hear a baby waking up. I'm certain a third would have been the end of us. Sounds like you've had similar feelings. So if anything you're almost doing it for him. That might be slightly twisted logic!

Hi OP, this caught my attention as was in exactly the same situation about 8 months ago, very happy with 2, also can't drive, my second was 9 months at the time so slightly older. I felt really sick about the whole thing. Didn't even want to tell DH, who similarly works very long hours. Anyway, ended up perservering with it but doubts for entire first 7 months of pregnancy. What I didn't bank on was my first and second in the last couple of months forging a lovely bond where they play together all the time and eldest becoming hugely more independent. That had not been factored into my original panic and the two of them are becoming more manageable every day. I am due any day but so excited for the new arrival and to see how the beautiful bonds between all three siblings forge over time. Just wanted to send that through in case you are looking for some reassurance.