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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant and not sure what to do with family

23 replies

Jenn12445 · 28/10/2023 14:30

So a bit of a long story.. my partner had an ex wife whom he has split with and we got together almost immediately.. I know she is hurting so there has been so many arguments about me and him. They have two older children together 18 and 17, who are not happy with our situation neither, and at times he has to say we are not together so they will speak with him.

i was off my pill for 2 weeks due to doctors recommending it as I was having issues with my period. I then got what I thought was a period only to have a positive test confirmed by the doctors a week later, so it was implantation bleeding. I’m only 5 weeks pregnant. And he said he would support me the minute I told him. Now he is saying if I choose to go ahead with this he will lose his other kids and we will never be able to be together but if I choose an abortion he will try make this work with me. His kids would choose for me not to have this child, but in the same sense should they be able to dictate what I do in my future? I feel like I’m being given an ultimatum, and he wants a decision almost immediately whereas my head is all over the place and I feel I can’t make this decision. If I choose to keep it I loose him, if I choose to have an abortion I hurt myself.

any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:

piglet81 · 28/10/2023 14:32

Make the best choice for yourself, whatever that may be. It doesn’t sound like he’s a great partner or father so decide based on whether you want and can support a child. Best of luck.

Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 28/10/2023 14:32

presu you wouldn’t be able to love a man who pressured you into an abortion so I think you just decide if YOU want the pregnancy to continue or if you don’t.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/10/2023 14:33

I think you're right that his kids opinions shouldn't affect you- they will have a lot to get used to but they will if they want to if you go ahead.

You need to decide yourself - do you want to be a mother? Now? Are you prepared to be a single mother with a newborn as he has told you it wont work if you go ahead (but I don't see how it could work if you terminate if you've terminated a wanted pregnancy for him you'll resent him?)

I would recommend self referring to Marie stopes and asking to speak with a counsellor - I have done this before- they are well trained, lovely and help you decide what's best for YOU and you only to do xx

Dacadactyl · 28/10/2023 14:34

Well either way I think this relationship is over tbh.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/10/2023 14:40

How old are you? How old is he?

If you have an abortion you don't want for him, you'll resent him. If the kids still hate you, it'll feel pointless, if they like you it'll feel tainted.

Do you want kids ever? Cos he's not just saying no to this baby, but any baby.

Can you manage alone? Does he work so you could claim child support? Do you have family?

Winnipeggy · 28/10/2023 14:41

I got pressured into an abortion and I never ever felt the same about him afterwards. It didn't last long. Do what you think is best for you first and foremost, but I wouldn't rely on the relationship being successful post abortion.

justasking111 · 28/10/2023 14:43

Did he ever want to have a baby with you @Jenn12445

jadey1991 · 28/10/2023 14:46

Op you make the decision. Don't allow him to put you in a predicament.

justjeansandanicetop · 28/10/2023 14:46

Dacadactyl · 28/10/2023 14:34

Well either way I think this relationship is over tbh.

Agree with this.

I think your choices are have an abortion and carry on with your life without this man.

Or continue with the pregnancy as a single mum.

Did you use alternative contraception when you were off your pill? Or did you take the opportunity to get pregnant and hoped it would turn it better?

Original poster

Jenn12445 · 28/10/2023 15:17

Thank you.. I think I may need to speak to someone professional as I’m totally lost right now

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenn12445 · 28/10/2023 15:19

I already have two children of my own. I’m 37 and he’s 35. He thought this might have happened as he knew I wasn’t on the pill and said we would deal with it together and now it’s happened I feeel his opinion is the only one that has to count

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenn12445 · 28/10/2023 15:19

Yea he said he did now he says time is not right

OP posts:

SaracensMavericks · 28/10/2023 15:23

OP, realistically, he's not going to hang around if you keep this baby so it's better that he was honest about that rather than giving you fake promises. Now you can make your decision in full understanding of the situation.

Pallisers · 28/10/2023 15:25

I would terminate as it is so early and I wouldn't want to bring another baby into this mess - which will involve your existing children too. But that's me and you have to make this decision for you.

I would dump him either way. you do not need this hassle in your life - and that is with or without a pregnancy. get out now.

glasshalffull0 · 28/10/2023 17:26

I think regardless this isn’t a man you should be with. Either you will go ahead with the abortion, the kids will still hate you, you might feel resentment and hate towards him or you keep the baby and he leaves you. I’m sorry OP but I don’t think it’s a happy ending with this man.

Do what you think is best for YOU, don’t let his opinion sway you at all. Did you want to keep the baby before he changed his mind?

RudsyFarmer · 28/10/2023 17:29

Blended families are hard. This one seems doomed to failure from the get go, so make your decision based on raising the child alone.

MysticalMegx · 28/10/2023 17:32

How would your children feel if you had another? If you're considering keeping it then you will more than likely regret an abortion. With the situation as it is he could leave you and you'd of gone through with the abortion for nothing.
Don't do it to please him and his children you have to do what's right for you

Original poster

Jenn12445 · 28/10/2023 18:22

I feel like I would be doing it to please him and his children. I don’t feel this is what I want, it’s scary though to think of someone who tells your the world could leave you in a minute when reality hits them

OP posts:

SaracensMavericks · 28/10/2023 18:38

I don't think you'd be doing it to please him and his children, because the likelihood is that they're out of the picture anyway - I can't see this working out between you whatever you decide. So ignore him and his kids. Just think about yourself and what you want to do.

justasking111 · 28/10/2023 19:08

He was 16 when his first child was born, had another two years later at 35 he may want a breather from parenthood.

QueSyrahSyrah · 28/10/2023 19:14

Well he sounds like an absolute Prince.

OP your decision needs to be whether you feel ready and able to be a single parent, because any which way you look at it the relationship is finished.

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 28/10/2023 19:30

OP, the only person who gets to make this decision is you. You are 5 weeks pregnant so you absolutely have some time to think about this. Obviously the termination process gets harder the further along you get, but you can absolutely can take a week or two to make your decision without it turning into something more complicated.
If you’re in the UK, you may well be able to get a counseling session to help you make your decision through the clinic who provide abortions. They are good people to speak with. They are professionals and not invested either way in your decision, they are just there to support you in your choice.
It does sound like this would be a complicated family situation to bring a child into. The child’s father may or may not choose to be involved. The child’s half siblings on their father’s side would almost undoubtedly never be interested in being part of this child’s life. Neither of those things mean you should not have this child, but they would be part of your child’s story that may well be painful, should you choose to continue with the pregnancy.
The more important questions are actually on your side. How would you cope with another child, probably still as a single mother? How would this child fit in with your older children? What would mat leave and childcare look like and is it an ok situation for you?
There is no right or wrong choice. Whichever path you take, it’s going to involve some emotional pain for you, and some fall out in your relationships with the people around you. Choose the option that you would rather experience. Once you’ve decided and made peace with your choice, stop listening to other people’s opinions on the situation.

Walnuthhwip · 28/10/2023 20:49

Choose what you want and
assume he won’t be around. The relationship sounds very silly and messy, he had only just left his wife before jumping into a relationship with someone else, without doing any time to process or work on himself or be alone or anything else. he lies to his children, denies your relationship, has unprotected sex with fertile women then gets shocked and bolts when they’re pregnant and to add to that he lies and changes his mind over serious decisions with practically no warning, and he’s giving you ultimatums and already threatening to end your relationship.
he sounds like his wife is well rid of him frankly and like you can’t rely on him at all, and should be rethinking this relationship regardless.
you need to decide what’s right for you, assuming he won’t be around, and do that, whichever option it is.

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