I feel so conflicted 😢

[user1488481370]

Hi everyone,
I never envisaged I’d have to write a post like this or even be in this situation but here we go, I ask for some sensitive advice, no judgment and perhaps a gentle handhold.

After suffering hideous PMS and suicidal thoughts after having the implant inserted in 2011, falling pregnant on the pill in 2013 and then with the coil in 2019, we decided to use condoms and track my cycles and avoid DTD around ovulation. This worked well for 3 years until last month where we very unfortunately had a mishap where the condom split. We realised at the time and I purchased an EllaOne thinking I was well before ovulation but just wanted to take extra precautions for peace of mind. I took the tablet. No issues. I then started having some cramping and spotting just over a week later which I thought was my period starting. I took 2 pregnancy tests within a couple of days of each other which were both negative so I was fairly reassured that we’d avoided it. Fast forward to today, still cramping, sore boobs but a new symptom has emerged. Sickness. I went into a friend’s house for coffee and the smell of said coffee made me feel very ill. The unmistakable feeling of morning sickness. I went home and took another test and had a very strong positive. I think I’m around 5 weeks pregnant.

I’ve walked around in a complete daze all day. I’ve gone from sobbing to completely calm and back to sobbing again. I have never felt so conflicted or confused in my entire life.

We have 4 DC’s already, I adore them, I love my family, adore my husband and we have such a happy and loving home but we have things going on outside the home, financial struggles, MH struggles and business worries. We’re also in a small 2 bed house which we out grew 2 children ago.
This is absolutely not an ideal situation to fetch another baby in to.

Im devastated but have had PND after giving birth to my 2 youngest children, in fact, I’m still on antidepressants. I have been to hell and back with my own mind and feel as though I’ve really turned a corner this last 9 months - it’s been a long slog and I’ve been in some very dark places. The thought of going back to how I was terrifies me. Not to mention the fact that my last pregnancy was quite complicated. I’m terrified of the prospect of an abortion but even more terrified at the thought of another baby.

We have suffered recurrent miscarriages in the past before our 3rd DD was conceived which was absolutely devastating. I can’t believe that 4/5 years later were in this situation and I’m contemplating this. I look at my children and all I can think is that I’m going to be aborting a little one that would look just like them and be loved just as much. It’s breaking my heart.

I’ve been in touch with NUPAS who will be calling me tomorrow, I’m hoping this is something I can do at home. I don’t think I could face a hospital right now.

Hey OP. Big hugs to you, it sounds like such an overwhelming situation to be in.

It sounds to me as if you've made your mind up - you'll absolutely be able to do it at home. I don't want to say anything too forcefully but IMO from what you've said it sounds like your decision is absolutely the best one for your family. I think it's always worth considering the impact that another child would have on existing children, and it sounds like it could all be too much for you as a family to bare.

If its of any consolation, I've got 1 DC and have had 1MC and 1 abortion (last year as we weren't ready). It was such a hard decision but I actually look back on it with kindness as I know it was right for us as a family at that time. I am now 14 weeks pregnant (hard enough to power through though, also with MH issues and Hyperemesis), but can do it now we are in a better position as a family.

What I'm trying to say is, never say never but try and be confident in your decision here. I know every woman is different and feels many different things regarding abortions, but wanted to give you my experience to perhaps make it feel a little more gentle.

Best of luck with it all, and again big hugs x

Just want to support my support OP 💐

I would do the exact same in your position although i would also be devasted as i love my children so much. But on the practicality side (money/space/pregnancy issues) etc I’d also make the same decision.

Thank you both for being so kind and reassuring. I’m pretty sure this is the right decision for us 💔