Pregnant after an abortion.

[Firstmom264]

I know there are mixed opinions on abortion so I will give some background info.. I am a single mom to an 8 year old (father never been involved) I met my now boyfriend 2 years ago who has a 4 year old. Our parenting styles are different, our lifestyles are different (I own my house) he lives with his mom and sees his son once a week. Despite me asking, he has never met my family and hasn’t bonded with my son so this relationship has been purely weekends together. He has always said he would never live with me because I have a dog (sausage dog) and I have said I wouldn’t feel comfortable living together until he bonded with my son and that’s where it was left.
I fell pregnant in June this year (years of being told I had PCOS and a blocked fallopian tube) I was in shock. But I had to think about my son and my family and what that future would look like.. in the end I decided a termination.. as much as I would love another baby I wanted my next time to be more settled with someone who loves me and my son, that we live together, that was a bit more serious. My termination was in august. Since then we had unprotected sex once and he pulled out.. I’m scheduled to have my coil fitted at the end of the week but found out today I am in fact pregnant again. I feel so stupid and careless. I feel so let down by myself. I have a home and a room for another child, money coming in each month, I live a comfortable life.. but I can’t have a child with someone that refuses to live with me, refuses to meet my family, won’t bond with my son.. I feel back to square one again and I really am just beating myself up about it

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Don't beat yourself up. It isn't going to change anything or help matters now.
Did your boyfriend know about your first pregnancy and what was his reaction?
How have you stayed with him for two years when he shows no interest in your son? ☹️ I would ditch this guy. You already know he isn't the one you want a family with and if you're 2 years in I don't think he will ever change.
You need to make the decision that's right for you and your son.

Oh op you've gotten yourself in abit of a rubbish situation. Honestly I can't advise what to do about your currently pregnancy. Only you can decide. But from an outside perspective I would dump the boyfriend. Its been 2 years and he's not bonded with your son. And only has his own son once a week? Is that through choice? It doesn't seem like he has any plans for a future with you so why are you wasting your time with him? I'm a firm believer that people show you what you mean to them and this man has well and truly shown you.

It's your choice ultimately but if you go ahead with the pregnancy then you need to do it assuming you'll be alone because the relationship sounds like a total non starter.

When I found out I was pregnant last time he was excited, nervous but excited. He took me for an early reassurance scan the next day. We argued though, I said I wasn’t comfortable having a baby until he showed more effort with my son and he said he would not live with me unless I got rid of my dog (I’ve had him 7 years). In the end I needed to make a decision with my head not my heart. And my head was saying (this relationship won’t last and I’ll be left with 2 kids on my own). I was gutted though, I’d love to have more children and always thought with my son getting older it won’t happen or the age gap would be too much.. just a horrible situation

I have been a solo parent for my whole motherhood experience. And we’ve achieved so much me and my son.. even though it’s been hard at times it’s been wonderful, I make the rules, I make the decisions, I choose what’s best and I’ve loved that. I’ve even said over the past I’d much prefer my situation over having to deal with a baby dad getting on at me over things. My family were gutted when I became a single parent and I’d feel so stupid announcing a pregnancy 9 years later knowing history would be repeating itself

How do you manage to have unprotected sex knowing you’ve just terminated a pregnancy with this guy? It seems like you’re head knows that he isn’t the one as he hasn’t made an effort with your current child and doesn’t want to live with you.

So what are your thoughts? Keep the baby knowing he doesn’t give a shit about your son and probably won’t be the father you need him to be? Terminate this pregnancy yet carry on the relationship and possibly get pregnant again? You’ve both been quite irresponsible so far but if you do keep the baby, he needs to step up and grow up. Not sure how that’s going to work when two years later he won’t even live with you or take an interest in your son but good luck!

It’s not going to change anything now, so no point beating yourself up, but I do think you need to look at why you’re staying with a man who cares so little about your child, your family or developing your relationship, when that’s what you clearly want. You’re obviously not making choices that are going to benefit you in the long run.

I think you need to do what’s right for you and if that’s another termination then so be it, but you really need to take a look at the situation and your relationship at that point, you obviously want children and this relationship doesn’t sound good, or like a good way to get there, and you really do need to not be so careless for a third time.

It sounds like you know you shouldn’t be in a relationship with this man. There is no point feeling bad about what has happened as you can’t change it now. Either way, you will need to pull yourself together and make sure you don’t have unprotected sex with him again.

What a rubbish situation! My thinking is that the reasons for having a termination before haven’t changed.

You need to end the relationship though if I’m being honest. He sounds awful and you and your son deserve more.

Have an abortion and then dump him, he isn't the man for you.

A man who treats you and your son right will come along

I'm not sure what this man brings to your life, other than sex?

It’s hard because when we first met I made the decision not to introduce him to my son for a long while (over 6 months) in that time we spent time together, had fun together, grew in love together and when he met my son he seemed nervous/didn’t know how to act or what to say.. I put it down to nerves. We went on our first day out all together and he seemed on edge the whole time, wasn’t himself.. I really did think that it would improve over time but it didn’t. It’s hard to just turn your feelings off

No but the adult thing to do is accept that he can't gel with your son. Your son will pick up on this and feel uncomfortable too. Is it worth it?

One abortion (possibly two) and all the emotional trauma that goes with it for a man who doesn't like your son and wants you to get rid of your dog?

Move on. And use protection.

He lives with his mum pathetic, has a son he barely sees, does not want to know your son poor kid.

Oh yea, and wants you to get rid of your dog. Who I bet is loved by you and your son. He's part of the family really.

I can't figure out anything attractive about this man.

Please don't have his child. Your life will be hell.

It's OP's child, too. Not just his.

OP - no one can advise you what's best to do here. If i was in your shoes, I personally wouldn't terminate again as my first and only abortion took a decade to process and forgive myself for. I can't think what two would do. I would never have regretted having that baby as much as i did aborting them.

It won't be an easy with or without your partner, but I would think its almost meant to be if it's happened twice?...

Hope you make the right decision

I'm sorry, op, but you have got to start making better choices. This man is a waste of oxygen, you know he offers nothing of value to you or your child, he's basically a deadbeat father to the child he already has, yet you keep seeing him and having sex with him. It really just doesn't make sense. Raise the bar, want more for yourself than some pathetic loser who actually tells you they have nothing to offer you.

as much as I would love another baby I wanted my next time to be more settled with someone who loves me and my son, that we live together, that was a bit more serious.

You say it’s hard to turn your feelings off which is completely fair and understandable. You say you met your boyfriend two years ago but don’t say how long you’ve been together. Regardless though, you already had a feeling that this man isn’t someone you want to have another child with when you last got pregnant. You’ve said he doesn’t love you AND your son, won’t live with you and want someone who’s more serious. Surely those would be reasons to end the relationship?

Maybe you’re with him for companionship and someone to spend time with/have sex with but I don’t think you can call him a partner. He isn’t doing what a partner should be doing. As I mentioned before, if you choose to have a termination again then it’s also best to leave the relationship. This man isn’t actually doing anything for you

You obviously need contraception then you wouldn't end up having multiple abortions. No idea why you'd have an abortion then have unprotected sex without using any contraception. You don't sound compatible.

This. Wtf wasn't he using a condom?! He lives with his parents and has a child. Be has no intention of living with you. The dog is an excuse. This is going nowhere. Stop wasting your time.

And your contraception was what?

Please be responsible, this man is no good for you or your son and currently sees his child once a week.
He is a disappointing prospect to say the least.
Have the termination, leave this man child be more responsible and use actual contraception, you have no excuse now you've been pregnant at least 3 times.

Can you make an on the day appointment with your GP in the morning?

I would, if I were you. That way, all the options are open to you.

As other posters have said, you need to find a method of contraception which is right for you as well.

This utterly worthless man isn’t even a boyfriend, he’s just a sex visitor. It’s awful,that you’ve allowed yourself to be used by this trash for two years, you need to do extensive work on yourself, raise your standards and consider not dating at all in future.

A deadbeat should not be an appealing sex partner to anyone, ever. Up to you to choose whether you want to lone parent another kid with that embarrassment of a man as a ‘father’, or have another abortion.