Should we try for a baby?

[Longstockin]

I'm 39, 2 children 20 and 14. I was a single parent, forced in to having my son (14) and was cheated on while pregnant. We split when he was a baby. Pregnancy was horrendous due to the relationship. I swore to never have anymore children and not once contemplated it since.

However. My partner and I have discussed it, both, adamant we didn't want any (I think he always has but went along with me) now he's very keen and I keep swaying.

Is it normal to feel anxious, scared, or is it meant to be exciting? I'm worried that my fears mean it's the wrong thing to do but not sure if it's natural even more so with my past experiences or a sign it's not right.

Are we too old to be starting over again?

Well no you're not too old to be starting again, it's entirely up to you as a couple. It does sound like maybe you're hesitant due to your previous experience. I would encourage you to maybe get some support like counselling regarding your last pregnancy and then go from there.

I think, at 39, you'll have to be accepting of the fact that it may not happen, even if you do try. Plenty of women do have children into their 40s, many women would hate that prospect. I think you need to make the decision for you because if anything were to happen to your DP or your relationship, you'll potentially be bringing up a young-ish child towards middle age.

That's my concern, another failed relationship with a baby. I'm not sure if I'm mentally able to do that again. Life is a lot more settled now, I am in a good place. I know a child should be an exciting idea, but, my past experiences with my kids Dad wasn't so has tarred all that. Obviously I wouldn't want to have a child in the knowledge it wasn't going to work, but we don't have the power to see in to the future and I'm riddled with anxiety at the thought of it but again unsure if this is because of the past. I've not planned a baby happily before so not sure as in original post sure if nerves/anxiety/fear are part of it all

@Longstockin, it's completely understandable. I actually think, in your position, most people would consider it more seriously. At the end of the day, you're not as young as you were with your first two so it's bound to be harder this time around (I'm saying that to be pragmatic, not in a horrible way). For example, the sleepless nights, running around after a baby/toddler/preschooler is probably going to feel more exhausting. That being said, if your DP is committed to being a dad, he'll be more involved than your past experiences so that'll help. Just don't do it solely for him as you might end up being resentful if it's not what either of you expected and TTC can be draining at the best of times so you really do need to be all in.

Out of curiosity, have you broached the idea with your older kids? Or have they ever expressed interest in wanting another sibling (particularly the younger one as they're still at home and will be for a while)?

@@Worriedaandconfused thank you I read that how I believe you intended, so thank you! No, I haven't a little to my boy who lives with me still, we've made comments in jest I suppose as at the time they were, his response at that time was "as long as it's a brother I don't want another sister Mum" but no not a serious chat. My Daughter has seen what we've been through with their Dad and what I've been through with her brother there's obvs a large age gap. I suspect she'll be opposed to it. I was younger when I had them, I had my Mum (she's now passed) so if it went wrong I would be alone, again, saying that even preempting that makes me nervous. I plan on being with him forever, hasn't been a concern, until this, baby talk. Now my heads all array with what if......what if I do this all again and my baby ends up in a situation where it's just me and them. Does this make sense? It's literally like this new talk of a baby is bringing up so much for me that I'm struggling to understand if this is normal or purely fear of my past. Neither pregnancies were enjoyable (due to the relationship) the birth wasn't enjoyable (due to the relationship) and my son more so I so didn't want (due to the relationship) I kind of not resented, we are super close but, it was forced and I was literally left holding the babies. I've done that, battles through and now come out the other side, stable, financially, mentally, emotionally, in a good place, I can't help but feel that maybe would going back to having a baby effect that OR would actually this baby made out of love, choice actually be a great experience as I know babies are, just unfortunately not in my experience. Mine were perfect pregnancies and births but mentally and emotionally they weren't and I'm scared to relive that but excited to feel what most mother's experience. Just unsure if those also feel what I am now SCARED/UNSURE