Telling work - new job

[FrancescaBlake]

Hi everyone
I absolutely know this is my own fault, I know it’s silly etc but after a chemical pregnancy earlier in the year, me and my partner decided to take a break from trying, I was really unhappy in my job and had been for a while.
We had a discussion and decided that I should not put my life on hold work wise In case I get pregnant, for all we knew it might not happen for months or years.
So we took a break and I found a new job which is amazing and I’m really loving it. (the break was going to be probably 6 months until starting to try again, but would keep talking and decide depending on what happened and how we felt).
But a month into the job I found out I am pregnant - I can’t stop hating myself for letting it happen at this time. Alcohol and a good night etc etc
Anyway, I feel SO guilty having to tell my new work, it keeps me up at night. I feel so guilty for the work it will cause them having to get cover for me. My role is new (nobody in it previously).
If I am being honest I considered termination because I felt sick at the thought of doing this when I have just started a new job. I don’t know if that is extreme?
I know a lot of people would say “why would you do that” or “surely you would make sure that didn’t happen” I get it.. but it has 🥺
I worry a LOT about pretty much everything since I was a kid, I ruminate, catastrophise and torture myself over stuff and am very anxious.
Has anyone been in this position before that can offer any advice? I feel like I’m the only person this has ever happened to which obviously isn’t the case, the guilt is just horrible ☹️

I had my job interview for a new role the same day I had my bfp. I had the same feelings you had that I would be a terrible inconvenience and it would be very selfish of me to go for the position knowing i would disappear so soon after starting.

But I did the interview and after talking it over with my husband decided to accept the job when it was offered. I was miserable in my old job. It made me very unhappy and was effecting the quality of my work, my home life, my self worth.

I was even more thankful I took that job when I miscarried because even though I was only on the job for a few days at that point the entire team was just lovely about the whole situation and I don't know if my old team would have given me the same level of care and support. Had my pregnancy continued, I know my new team would have supported me through that too.

You didn't plan this pregnancy when you did. There's nothing to feel guilty about. Don't resign.

I think you need to remember it's just a job, and we are all replaceable . Your life and family are more important .

I found out I was pregnant the second day in my new job. It happens and I didn't get any pushback. Everyone was supportive, or if they weren't, they just kept it to themselves. Honestly, once you have your baby you will look back and not care what people think about it.

Congratulations by the way!

It's just a job, it's not worth this level of catastrophic thinking.

You say you've been severely anxious long term - have you had any professional support for that?

I recently had this experience. Stressed and kept it to myself until 12 weeks (also had a miscarriage earlier this year so didn’t want to tell anyone early). They honestly couldn’t have been more supportive. In fact my manager told me she had also started there just after finding out she was pregnant. The relief of people knowing was huge. Life goes on, you can’t put your personal life on hold, who knows how long it could’ve taken to fall pregnant, I thought we’d be looking at a year!

A woman who I worked with interviewed for a new job very visibly pregnant. She got the job and they treated her really well during her remaining months and through maternity leave. She's still there and loves it.

Try not to stress. Depending on how far along you are you don't need to let them know for a little while until you feel ready.

Congratulations!

I started a new job in May, got a bfp in June which technically dated the start of the pregnancy 2-3 weeks from my start date🙃

I JUST get smp through them by 2 weeks🙈

they have been good to be fair! I am 21+5 weeks today! Please don’t let it worry you, as pp said its just a job and if its a good one, they will be happy for you (they literally can’t say anything to you about it!)

I also didn’t tell my manager till I was 16 weeks! So don’t be in a hurry to tell them if you don’t want to for a bit (unless its a job you would need a risk assessment for asap!)

From my own personal recent experience it’s not as hard as you’ll think it’ll be!

I had a similar experience in terms of not putting my career on hold because of TTC. It took me and DH over 20 months to conceive however I would say the last 6 months of that period I was deflated and accepted that we may of needed help or we just couldn’t have children so I hadn’t really given much thought about hoping to get pregnant and actually just started to have sex without an ‘aim’. In the meantime I successfully gained a place on a fast track graduate programme within the Police and had to spend a period of time away from home on a residential training course prior to me joining my force. This was in March and I got pregnant in April and found out the beginning of May I was pregnant!

Luckily I had completed all the hardcore training and fitness tests but I was petrified about what this meant for my job, my mortgage and my life even though I wanted a baby more than anything. Legally you cannot be sacked due to pregnancy so I knew I had that on my side. 6 months later my force couldn’t of been more supportive or helpful given my pregnancy and if I’m honest it’s not been at a detriment at all.

I’m SO excited to meet our little girl in January and all I can say is good luck! You’ll be absolutely fine.

Just to add (not massively relevant but just in case you didn't know), make sure you work as much as you can during your qualifying week. You'll be able to work it out once you have your 12 weeks scan and expected due date. 🙂my friend had a few days off sick that week and it really altered her pay.

Statutory Maternity Pay ( SMP ) "Employees must: be on your payroll in the 'qualifying week' - the 15th week before the expected week of childbirth. give you the correct notice. give you proof they're pregnant."

My colleague started in her role when she must have been very early on , not sure if she actually knew or not - she told work at about 4 months. She's due to go off on mat leave soon. Her role was also a new role and a pretty crucial one , they are getting a mat cover.
I'll be honest I don't the timing has actually really crossed anyone's mind , and everyone has been very happy and supportive of her . It never even crossed my mind until reading this post about the timings etc .

I work in HR, I’ve seen this happen a few times, and honestly I have nothing but sympathy for the pregnant women - as mentioned you probably won’t get maternity pay, just maternity allowance.

Don’t feel guilty. Do men ever feel guilty? Not a chance. Having a family is a part of life, it’s not your responsibility to ensure it’s always done at a convenient time for a business.

Presuming you might tell your manager when you’re 12 weeks pregnant (although you can wait), they’ve got five or six months to find maternity cover. That’s way more than they get when people resign or suddenly go on long-term sick.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 💐 Don’t sweat, what in a year’s time you will absolutely appreciate is, the small stuff

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies, I wasn’t expecting it!

Im aware I am massively over the top with the way that I am thinking but I find it very hard to look at things rationally when in this state!

@user1846385927482658 yes I’ve had lots of professional help for this over the past 15 years or so. I plan to speak to the GP at my booking appointment (which I haven’t had through yet)

I am 9 weeks currently, I have my 12 week scan on 13th November. I googled and I don’t have to tell worn until mid Feb apparently, but I think I will tell them when I go back in January after Christmas, I just don’t think I’ll feel anywhere near ready to tell them at the 12 week mark. Do you think that’s okay?
I am stressing also over how I will hide it at the Christmas party etc

I am the only woman in my company, they are all men so I think that is adding to my worry, as will they understand or just see it as an inconvenience? Hate my brain sometimes 🥺

Thank you all again for your advice and well wishes xx