Overwhelmed from unwanted advice - help

[MumDaisy1980]

its my first pregnancy - 15 weeks now.

we decided to announce our pregnancy to fam n friends after our first scan which was two weeks ago.

two weeks on I was overwhelmed by a mountain of unwanted advice from whoever I interacted.

the worst in fact was my two mums - my mum and mum in law. In some way, at least I know my mum starting point was good intention. But since the announcement - there was a constant of words from her almost treated me incapable to be a human being. She pointed all the hazards at home - lock the window, hold the hand rail when walk down the stairs, you need instal sth on the stairs for the baby… and it lasted for one and half weeks. She skipped the entire pregnancy journey and started planning how to handle the newborn, she thought she would be live in to help for two months. When I insisted need some time to think of her move in, she then started finding the solution for me and asking people where to find nanny or asking my in laws any of their kids free to babysit. Overall I feel suffocated.

Then a week ago mum in law was being friendly to ask my mum out for lunch - which sounded great plan. I did find a bit odd to ask me come along when I though two of them could have some grandma time.

the brunch ended up mum in law elevated the whole unwanted advice situation, the brunch was telling me her experience in the labour room, how my husband was born , how her grandkids were born. All the details and this is added on with my mum extra experience that she known of.

i just have nothing to say but sit that listening. I felt like they had been waiting as soon as I pregnancy to downpour all their childbirth info to me.

not long later I cried as I don’t feel right at all. I meant to share the news with my loved ones. And ended up just being ‘WARN’ about the downs of having kids. Almost like tarnishing the excitment and anticipation of building the fam.

and because they are my two mums - i got to be respectful. That’s the suffocated feeling .

other unwanted advice are colleagues or just some elderly pass by in bus stop would say something - oh it would be hard work to have kids. Sth like that.

these two weeks experience has altered my thought to in fact not share the kid gender to anyone. I felt like if I do so, the fam will have another wave of comment regardless of boy or girl.

I wonder thoughts from anyone ? And how best to ignore/ handle unwanted advice?! It’s easy said than done!!!

thanks!!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I'm sorry that's it's been a lot. Unfortunately pregnancy and having children does come with so much unasked for advice. It frustrated me and now I find myself giving advice to others without being asked! I found it helpful to remember that it comes from
A good place, most of the time.

With the baby's sex, we didn't find out and that was also a source of discussion...

Babies and children are wonderful and the good bits outweigh the bad massively, but you'll only hear about the bad stuff with al the advice....

Here’s my pregnancy advice. Ignore a minimum of 90% of the advice you get.

Tell people you are doing it.

I'm sorry they’re taking the joy out of your pregnancy.

I have a friend and when people give her unsolicited and unwanted advice, she responds “thank you so much, I’ll write that down.” Then she ignores! And when people hear it often enough they stop advising!

They're sucking all the joy out of your pregnancy. That's not okay. You're so early on and you have every right to experience all the highs and lows yourself without relatives "pissing on your chips". You are the one who is pregnant and has to go through it all for a long time before you do give birth and then adapt to your baby. Your pregnancy and your child won't be the same as anyone else's experience. You need to put your foot down now and put a stop to this - as you'll find once baby is here it gets harder the more you get piled on about every choice you make with your own child on top of the stress you'll already be dealing with daily. From my experience they tend to calm down with the forcing of advice when baby is around two. Don't let that happen to you. They had their time. This is yours.
I'd make it a mantra, repeating "Well I'll find out for myself". Please don’t let them get you down, you don’t deserve that.

Don't offer any information about your pregnancy. Don't encourage them.

When they offer advice, silently nod and then change the subject

Ignore all their advice, our understanding of healthcare and baby care has advanced significantly since your dh was a baby.

Find yourself an NCT group of expectant mums, or similar, and spend time with them instead.

I don't think you should silently nod when given unwanted advice, as someone posted just above. They are right that these people are sucking all the joy out of being pregnant for you, but the way round it is to be more assertive and say "I'll do it my own way when the time comes", and keep saying it every time. And if anyone starts telling you about their own birth experiences, just look them kindly in the eye and say firmly, "Its a shame that happened to you, but I don't want to hear about it". If they go on, just stick your hands over your ears and go la la la in a jokey way until they get the message. Don't let them spoil this for you, stick up for yourself, OP.

OP I think you need to put your big girl pants on and either practice nodding, smiling and ignoring or nip this in the bud right now by saying something to them.

By the sounds of it when they baby actually arrives they are going to be the kind of mums who are absolutely suffocating and will weigh in on breastfeeding, sleep, weaning etc. Times have changed since they had babies and I read on here all the time women doubting their own abilities to parent because 'my mum said XYZ'

"Gosh, that's interesting." Repeat x20

"Was that the advice in your day? Isn't it funny how different it is now!"

"There are so many different ways to parent, aren't there? My friend Bessie did the exact opposite and now he daughter is an Oxford professor who can ride a unicycle." Feel free to make this more realistic if you like, but the more bonkers it is, the more fun I have 😀

"That's not going to be right for me or my baby."

Ultimately, you need to remind yourself that you are the best and most capable woman to look after your baby. Once you give birth absolutely nobody but you and your DH will know your baby better.

Aww that’s an awful lot to get at 15 weeks.

To me there’s only two options, you either smile and nod and just try to ignore it or you say to them to back off.

My family were very much the same but I explained that I was doing what I needed to do and will think of each stage as I get to it. Tell them you need to get through your second trimester before thinking about newborn life but that it’s something you and your partner will discuss with them when you’re ready.

Congrats OP and I’m really sorry this isn’t the exciting time you imagined.

I think you have to be polite but firm. Something like “thanks so much for your perspective. I’d really like to experience this for myself, but I’ll ask if I need any help.” Or just honesty: “I know you’re trying to help with all this advice, and I’m so grateful to have you close, but it’s starting to overwhelm me. I’ll ask if I’d like to know anything specific.”

With birth stories, I would do similar “thanks for sharing. I’m sorry X happened to you. Every birth is different, but if that happens to me, I’ll bear it in mind. At the moment I’m trying to stay positive about my birth and it’s a long way off.”

I would also give them a “job” each so they can pour their excitement into that. If one is a good knitter, ask them to make a baby blanket. Or find one baby item you don’t really care much about and ask them to do some research for you to help you find the perfect baby bath, nail clippers, winter mittens etc etc.

I had this to a certain extent with my MIL but after politely laying a boundary once, after that I just jokingly said “ooo do I need to add that to the list of unsolicited advice, MIL?” She took it well, but only you know their personalities and whether you could joke about it with them.

In your shoes I wouldn’t be revealing the gender to them for exactly the reasons you say! Doesn’t mean you can’t find it out and keep it a secret though!