Hi all, first post.
I guess I'm looking for some advice regarding my situation. I rekindled a high school romance, after having a child of my own and surviving a domestic violence relationship. This person has known me since I was 14, despite the gaps in our time being friends I made him fully aware of what I'd been through in life and how it had affected me. He promised to support me, love me and even spoke of marrying me one day..things between us really did seem perfect. Fast forward a few months and I go on a vacation to meet some of his family and stay the weekend with them, it's in another country so it wasn't like I could just go home easily if need be! That being said, whilst there the girl who arranged travel for us (his brothers partners sister) was flirting with my boyfriend openly and in my face..my boyfriend then admits they slept together years ago and didn't tell me until after we had to spend the weekend with this woman. I wasn't upset he slept with her, it happened before we were together and is none of my business..I was upset he lied. I tried to forgive, it wasn't a big after all..was it? He was scared of losing me and this great relationship we had built, so I thought...so we move forward, although it's not easy now as I'm insecure and need reassurance to build trust again. He gets angry, we fight often and then I find out I'm pregnant. I decided early on I wasn't ready for another baby because my mental health is so fragile and I worried about my ptsd becoming unmanageable and thought abortion was the best option due to me already having 1 child to care for who relies on me. I was trying to make the adult decision, what's best for the child and the child I already have no matter how much it broke my heart..I told my boyfriend that we had been rocky and he admitted he wanted to leave and I couldn't raise another baby alone, so abortion had to be the best option. He quickly talked me out of this, made all sorts of promises about supporting me no matter what happened between us and reassured me that the baby is wanted and the best thing for both of us and eventually I started to believe him and allowed the pregnancy to continue. Fast forward, I'm not 5 and a half months pregnant and I then I find out he cheated the first month or two of our relationship. I lost complete trust in him, I found this out whilst being pregnant with his child..something he claimed to be happy about and spoke often of our future together. I was a mess, I felt like he tricked me into keeping the baby and planned to leave me all along...it made me feel like our entire relationship was never real and out of what can only be described as utter desperation...i decided to try and forgive him and move forward because it was a long time ago and I am pregnant now, I had already raised one child virtually alone so I knew I didn't want to do that again..I never wanted to be a single Mum, I wanted a family. I'm weak. I admit it. I feel like I need a man and I am so scared of doing this alone despite knowing he isn't good for me.
Can somebody with a rational brain and a unbroken heart please give me some clarity and advice on how to move forward? I'm so disgusted with myself that I begged for him to stay, that I lost my self respect that much..he even told me how much better and prettier she is than me. It's broken me. I'm not thinking clearly right now, but deep down know I need to move on.
How do I do this? I feel like I've rewound 20 years and I'm a broken hearted little girl again, it's absolutely pathetic. What would you dp and how would you cope in this situation?