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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Am I over-reacting to fiancé?

26 replies

Anonymousmuma · 17/10/2023 20:32

Firstly, thankyou so much for reading... a little background on my situation- thankyou for your patience in advances. I'm divorced with a five year old that I share custody with with my ex. My fiancé has been living with me and my son for a year.

He is really so incredible in so many ways, he is amazing with my son, he insists on doing everything around the house and it's so kind and supportive... but there are some aspects I find so hard to deal with.. when we argue it's really bad. I'm 20 months pregnant and we've had some terrible arguments - it's happening about once a week... and today - I just need to know an honest opinion if I am overreacting to this because I'm pregnant....

Two things today - for example first thing - today he was arranging private health care for my son - which he was going to pay for... which is one of the incredible ways he can be so generous... He was on the phone to the insurance company but at the same time he was feeling really I'll- I offered to help but he insisted on doing it. he was on the phone to the company - and then after half an hour became very short and rude with them. He hung up the phone and stated smashing the phone on the table.

Then half an hour later he became violently ill and stared vomiting for like an hour. I offered help and kept asking if there was anything I could do.

He said he would go and sleep in my sons room ( who was staying at our dads) and wanted me to sleep in the bedroom (he was currently in).

I said it wasn't a good idea as it could be a virus and contagious so better for him to stay in one room. He got annoyed and said if you arnt going to sleep in this room then you should go to your mums house. I said I can't because I have to be here for my son in the morning. And I said it wouldn't be a good idea to sleep in that room anyway. He got annoyed and talking to me sarcastically- he then stormed out the house
And said 'Alright (my name) go back to being so supportive.'

He came back in 15 minutes later and pretended nothing happened- I was upset - had been crying and he got angry and annoyed and said 'I can't do this' and saying he was going to go and stay somewhere.

Then he said 'please put down your fucking phone I can't stand you looking at it' he said I can't do this anymore and went upstairs and started slamming stuff around.

I went into the bathroom and locked the door - when we have an argument he can't leave me alone so I locked myself in there.

He was banging things around the house and then came down and said he'd ordered a cab and can I come out and speak to him before he leaves.

I said 'no, I don't feel safe' and he got annoyed and said I was being cruel and it was unfair to play the victim. I refused to talk to him because I knew it would just escalate and he told me again I was being cruel and he can't take it anymore and someday my 'treating him like this' I would see the consequences.... he finally left and has called 4 times since but I can't talk to him because I've learnt it only gets worse....

Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 17/10/2023 20:35

No you’re not.
At least your child didn’t see this.

DustyLee123 · 17/10/2023 20:42

No. You need to protect yourself, it may well get even worse when baby arrives.
Please tell someone you trust.
‘And next time you re frightened, ring the police.

Isthisexpected · 17/10/2023 20:46

Please open up to your midwife so they can support you. This isn't on.

webster1987 · 17/10/2023 20:55

'I don't feel safe' is something that should never be said in a relationship and a household where there is a child. It really is as simple as that,

Boymamaxx · 17/10/2023 21:19

Hope you're okay OP.
If this was my partner he would be sent back to his parents house until he can learn to show some respect. Yes he sounds wonderful everywhere else on life but you not feeling safe is absolutely not okay!!

LizzeyBenett · 17/10/2023 21:20

He sounds like he gaslights you a lot .... red flag 🚩 take a step back and just read what you have posted and imagine it's someone else's situation and not yours, what would you think of it then ?

Riverlee · 17/10/2023 21:26

Not the point if the thread but 20 months pregnant?!

HundredMilesAnHour · 17/10/2023 21:27

webster1987 · 17/10/2023 20:55

'I don't feel safe' is something that should never be said in a relationship and a household where there is a child. It really is as simple as that,

Exactly this. Please don't have him back. You need to end things.

I also hope the 20 months pregnant is a typo.

KatieJ345 · 17/10/2023 21:34

This is gaslighting and emotionally abusive behaviour. You really don’t need this stress whilst pregnant.

14blackcrows · 17/10/2023 22:13

No you are not overreacting. That sounds really scary. You were right to lock yourself in the bathroom. Smashing objects can be a precursor to physical violence. Domestic violence can also often escalate during pregnancy.
I understand he was ill but it's not OK to behave so aggressively. I'd understand him being a bit arsey coz he feels unwell.. but smashing his phone against the table and refusing to leave you alone even when you locked yourself in the bathroom is unhinged and frightening.

jellybeanlover2 · 17/10/2023 22:25

You are not over reacting, this is awful behaviour, take care and plan a life without him

Anonymousmuma · 17/10/2023 23:02

Thankyou so much, for your responses everyone. It's really helpful to hear other people's perspectives. I'm really grateful xx

OP posts:
Walnuthhwip · 17/10/2023 23:11

Do you think it’s ok that you don’t always feel safe in your home? Or that your fiancé threatens you with ‘consequences’ ?

I don’t think you do, so trust your gut, and ignore how good and generous he tells you is, he is gaslighting you. Look at his actions and how he makes you feel.
sorry you’re dealing with this op.

OhamIreally · 18/10/2023 07:46

Is he still gone? I would keep it that way. If he's out that's one problem solved. Change the locks.

This is only going to get worse. Smashing his phone is showing you violent behaviour and you could be next on the receiving line.

LuluBlakey1 · 18/10/2023 07:49

I'm quite concerned about you being 20 months pregnant.

Stephy1024 · 18/10/2023 08:49

He sounds very abusive and like he's gaslighting you. So you've been living together for a year and has this been happening for a year? I'd honestly tell him to leave permanently and get your house back. I grew up in an abusive household and there's no way I'd let my kids have that upbringing too. Kids know more than you think. Hope your ok OP.

Anonymousmuma · 18/10/2023 09:13

Thankyou

20 months was indeed a typo, I'm twenty weeks Blush

I've asked him to stay wherever he's staying for another couple of days. We have the 20 week scan today but im not sure if he's coming or not. I messaged this morning to say I hope the vomiting has passed and hope he's feeling better and we can reschedule to next week if he's still not well , but he's not replying to my messages.

Atleast I can have some space tonight to figure out what to do ... thankyou again for your responses xx

OP posts:
Anonymousmuma · 18/10/2023 09:18

Stephy1024 I'm sorry to hear you grew up in an abusive household. I agree with you, the problem is he is an incredible step dad. These arguments only happen when my son is at his dads. Other problem is I'm also now financially dependent on him as my contract ended last week.. I'm going to have to figure out a plan, it just seems so hard when there are two extremes - 85% of the time he is the most amazing, dream partner and step dad.

The other %15 he's impossible

OP posts:
Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 18/10/2023 09:32

So he’s left you high and dry for your 20 week scan, a very important appointment in pregnancy and one that I’m sure you have been worrying about / looking forward to.

You shouldn’t ever have to lock yourself in a bathroom to get away from an aggressive partner. We all have disagreements, and we all lose our temper but you seem scared of him which is not normal in a relationship, especially when you are pregnant. Unless the behaviour improves there is no way I would marry this man. And in my opinion add in the stress of a newborn, sleepless nights, crying, money worries (you mention you will be down to one salary) and your relationship will be under more strain than ever, as are most relationships with a baby. I would take some time apart to have a think about what you really want here

Stephy1024 · 18/10/2023 10:52

@Anonymousmuma it happened and I moved on with my life but it was an awful time. I get what your saying but your new baby won't be going off to their dads so they will witness these outbursts of aggression. It shouldn't matter of much of a great step dad he is.....he's an abusive partner. Abusers start off slow and controlling and things gradually get worse. Are you in the UK? As you'll get help for being a single parent.

It really depends where you draw the line of his treatment of you. I wouldn't stay with someone that made me feel unsafe. You set your own bar in life.

My mum would say that my dad wouldn't ever hurt us (kids) but he did.

PaminaMozart · 18/10/2023 11:07

You are under-reacting!!

Once a pregnant, dependent woman no longer feels safe she is in serious shit. A line has been crossed and there really is no way back from this.

You cannot believe what is happening because you keep focusing on how he is when he is being nice. He'll be a great father and stepfather....... you think/hope/keep telling yourself.

The thing is: very few abusers are nasty all the time. Otherwise how would they be able to trap their victims?

And trapped you are: unemployed and pregnant. Luckily you own your home (I think?), so you can get him out.

Contact Women's Aid. And read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft.

Walnuthhwip · 18/10/2023 13:39

he is an incredible step dad
hes abusing his step sons mum? Smashing up things in the house, and not responding about his own child’s scan date.

even more interesting is that you think he only does this when your son isn’t around, which either means you’re missing other signs of abuse, or your DP is in complete control of himself, yet still chooses to abuse you when it suits him.

jellybeanlover2 · 19/10/2023 22:37

“85% of the time he is the most amazing, dream partner and step dad.

The other %15 he's impossible”

Funny - I used to say my ex was 98% perfect and 2% bad/impossible and then I realised (after 25 years) that if someone is capable of dreadful behaviour then they are bad, full stop, the % doesn’t matter

Milkand2sugarsplease · 19/10/2023 23:16

Either....

He's in control of his temper (ie, never losing it around your son) - in which case he's manipulative and controlling. Not something you want around your son.

Or

He's not in control of his temper - and therefore it's only a matter of time before your son witnesses it.

Don't think I'd want either option around my children really.

He's showing you who he is... you show him who you are and walk away.

Anonymousmuma · 20/10/2023 09:27

Thankyou so much for your replies. My issue now is I only see two options going forward.. to stay with him or to terminate at 20 weeks which I can't even bare to think about especially after the 3D scan yesterday.

I can't have this baby on my own as I literally can't afford it and also I'm worried that he would make my life a nightmare if we were to split and keep the baby.

OP posts: