I’m just looking for a little kindness. My baby is due in February so I’ve still got a while to go to yet. I have a long history of crappy mental health since my teens (now mid 30s). Nothing major, “just” bouts of anxiety and depression, occasionally quite severe. It’s mostly ok tho. I used to take antidepressants for many years but came off them altogether about 6(?) years ago. I found looking after my physical health, eating well, exercising more beneficial in the end. I’ve never been a “happy” person but I’ve plodded on. Been grateful and made the most of life. Mostly thanks to having 3 children, I’m not sure how things would have panned out if they weren’t around. This baby is with a different man, he’s honestly my rock. I never thought I could feel so strongly about someone other than my kids but he came along and I hate the cliche of men being saviours but he’s opened my eyes to a whole new meaning of love. It’s been a difficult pregnancy after a missed miscarriage earlier this year, lots of anxiety about how things will turn out. I’d hoped as the weeks went on that I’d enjoy it more, and while I’m so full of hope, I can feel that horrible black cloud of depression hovering nearby, drifting over me and moving on, and coming back again. I am quite aware of my moods, I’ve had a lot of practise over the years at managing them. So it’s upsetting that at a time I should be embracing my pregnancy and looking to the future that I’m actually feeling more and more fragile. My motivation has gone. Today has been my day off work and I’ve done naff all apart from get some halloween decs out (thought the kids would like it when they get back from the grandmas), and bought and eaten a jar of Nutella. I’ve just felt almost paralysed like my brain isn’t working and everything is a bit pointless. Sometimes I feel things to the extreme, and I think sometimes after a good few days where I’m feeling really safe and secure in my bubble, I go to the opposite end of the spectrum and am suddenly so scared of losing it all. I convince myself it will all come tumbling down. And am incapacitated until the cloud shifts. That’s what today has been like. Im worried these days are going to become more
frequent and will only get worse as I get nearer my due date, not to mention what I might be like after baby is born. My mental health history is in my midwife’s notes, but I’m thinking about speaking to her about how I’m feeling at my appointment next week. I feel like people are expecting me to crumble - I was so upbeat at earlier appointments and reassured them I’ll be fine, everything is good - and now I’m proving them right and turning into a mess. I don’t want a fuss, I don’t want doctors deciding I need tablets again. It’s not even anywhere near that stage yet but I’m worried if I can’t shake it then I’m going to end up back there, after so many years coping without. I don’t know if it’s pregnancy related, or down to other stresses in my life, or it is just bad timing that the black dog has decided to make another appearance now. Has anyone felt this way during pregnancy? I know exercise, healthy eating and being productive will help but I just can’t seem to make a start. Where do I begin? I need to make a start before it takes a proper hold.
Apologies this has been so long winded. Aside from my OH I don’t really have anyone else to vent to. People around me assume I’m ok, because I always appear outwardly to be so.