Want a baby but nervous about the actual pregnancy!

[MAY324]

My husband is desperate for a baby and has been the for the past year.
I love the idea of having kids and know I absolutely want them but now that we’ve started trying, I’m so worried about the finality of it! I was late last month and thought I had a positive test (may have been false positive or early chemical) and I just felt panicked not excited by it. I came on eventually and just felt relief that normal life could Carry on.

I really want to be excited by the idea of having a baby and getting pregnant but I just don’t feel that way. I feel like I’m letting him down by not being excited by it. I don’t know if I ever will be excited the way he wants me to be about getting pregnant. I’m worried about how my body/life will change which obviously he doesn’t have to worry about as much.

Has anyone else felt like this and gone on to get excited about it! Or did the excitement come once the panic wore off 😂

First you need to have a serious discussion as a couple about how you plan to parent. You say "I’m worried about how my body/life will change which obviously he doesn’t have to worry about as much.", obviously not body but his life can change as much as yours. He will be as much a parent as you are, and you need to kick the notion very quickly that you will be necessarily impacted more than he is. he needs to be very much on that page.
Secondly - i think you have unrealistic expectations, honestly. I am not excited about being pregnant, and in fact, after a miscarriage, I am slightly dreading it. But I'm willing to endure it. It's not all plain sailing, and do prepare yourself and DH for that.

You don't say how old you are, but perhaps you're not quite ready yet? There's nothing wrong with that (unless you're in your late 30s/ early 40s and then it becomes more tricky time-wise). It's easier for the partner to get excited as their life won't change in the same way yours will- does he understand this? Is he supportive of you? I would recommend a couple of seasons with a couples therapist to talk this issue through, so that you're on the same page

Yes! I remember being a bit relieved when the tests were negative.
We took a few months off so I could think about it and now I’m excited.
I think it’s normal, it’s a huge change, and naturally you’re going to be more impacted than he is. It’s much easier to say you want a baby, when it’s not your body or your career, and the chances are you won’t do the majority of childcare.

This makes me feel better! I’m early 30s and we do know we want multiple children if it works out that way. I’m excited for the actual things we do together with a baby but more worried about the things I need to do on my own like actually carrying a baby and maternity leave 🙈 I know it can take a while so I was hesitant to stop trying but maybe taking a break might be a good thing?

I have never been excited about my 1st pregnancy and just like you I was worried about changes to my body. I know now I was just plain scared that the labour was going to hurt as much as everyone seemed to describe. There is no shortage of horror stories out there! It is only now that I am working a labour ward midwife (I trained after having 2 children) I realise that women keep good birth stories to themselves and it's mostly horror stories that get into media, talked about etc. I am guessing you might be just worried about the labour and birth. I don't have a recommendation of a good pregancy book. However I would recommend a Positive Birth Book (available on Amazon) to any pregnant woman. Also, once you start feeling your baby's movemens from 16-20 weeks take time to talk to you baby everyone. Your partner can join too. You will be surprised how you baby will react and I think it will help with bonding. I hope it helps.

I don't think there's a 'right' way to feel about pregnancy. It's a big, uncertain, life changing time and it's ok to be apprehensive about that. Perhaps this doesn't apply to you, but a lot of women who have experienced pregnancy loss are simultaneously desperate to get pregnant again but also terrified of being pregnant again.

Personally negative tests made me cry, but when I got a positive a cried as well (not happy tears, scared tears). I am finding pregnancy quite an anxious time but I don't think that diminishes in any way my desire to be a parent, or that it will make me a less good mother. We just aren't all the type to 'glow ' in pregnancy or love every minute of it.

You aren't letting your DH down by being the realistic type who recognises that pregnancy can come with its ups and downs.

Can you share maternity leave? Are you absolutely sure you want children?

I 100% want kids; I’ve always looked forward to having them and if someone could hand me a ready made 5 year old tomorrow I’d take it 😂 it’s just the changes of my body and maternity leave I’m not so keen on!

I definitely feel for people who are struggling with conceiving rainbow babies; it must be so difficult dealing with all of these emotions.
I do feel better hearing others’ stories though.

I could have written your post myself a few months ago.
My fiancée is desperate for a baby and has been for a year or so.
I assumed at some point I would have kids but it wasn’t actively on my mind until my partner brought it up.
I agreed and was really excited.. and then the reality of it hit!
I don’t want things to change, I just want an easy life, I have my routine and I’m comfortable etc etc
I am 8 weeks pregnant now (sooner than planned, decided to stop trying for a bit due to a new job but nature had other ideas) and I won’t lie I have found it tough over the past two weeks.
Emotionally I’ve been so up and down. But I’ve shared all my feelings with my partner and he’s been amazing, supporting me, looking after me, putting up with my emotions 🤣
It is scary, for me it’s not a question of “are you sure you want kids” it’s just that I need to get through my fear of change and catastrophizing everything I ever do 🤣
I now have glimpses of excitement now that my initial panic is settling!

OP I don’t think I’ll ever be “excited” about a pregnancy. We started TTC in our mid twenties. Years of unexplained infertility, began an IVF journey. Finally fell pregnant when waiting on lists at 29. Late loss. Have subsequently had 10+ pregnancies and two little ones. Due our third.

I HATE pregnancy. It will never bring me joy. I dislike the physical changes (though many of them are temporary) and grit my teeth in the early baby days (ie I’m not one of those people who loves mat leave. I take about 6 months and go back to work). My favorite way to parent is part-time (for me getting to build my career helps me have patience at home/means I enjoy play time).

BUT…pregnancy is our way to have kids! And I love being a parent…I love watching my partner be a parent too. We learn together. The house is chaos and it’s demanding but I wouldn’t trade it. I often joke that it would be perfect for us if they arrived in our lives at 8 months old!!

And I’ve struggled a little with the guilt that brings me: does not liking any of this mean I’m a ‘bad mum’? Or “not ready”? I really don’t think it does!! It’s ok…To not look forward to something that your logical brain tells you will be physically and emotionally demanding. I’m not sure why we continue to pedal the naieve optimism thing as a “must”. Yes…I know loads of women that have loved their bumps, and felt sexy. And others that puke throughout and feel grim. What you get is unpredictable and it’s more natural to be fearful of that, than excited by it!

To me - it’s ok to NOT share excitement with your partner, but to ask him to share your worries and or apprehensions. To talk about how you’d cope of X/Y. To be ‘realistic’ about the process. Some aspects may be brilliant and others hard or scary. Can he share those aspects with you? To me if he can’t…then maybe he’s the one that’s “not ready”!!!??

I could have written your message! I always joke that I’d love it if my OH could get pregnant and I’d be a great father but I mean it seriously, I’d be a great father and I’d be much more keen for that job! It’s so different considering pregnancy compared to just considering parenthood - no good advice but just honour your feelings, they’re so valid.

Ohhh thank you all so much! This honestly makes me feel so much better and not that I’m going mad!

Normal to be anxious! I'm 34 weeks with my first. Honestly writing 34 weeks terrifies me 🙈. I wasn't supposed to be able to conceive naturally so the line on the test was a huge surprise!

Pregnancy has not agreed with me. At all. Horrendous sickness, complications, thankfully mostly seems to have settled down now - right when I started getting really uncomfortable 😅. 2 days into the sickness I swore never again.

I think of being pregnant again and I cry. I think of my baby being an only child and I cry. If I have another I certainly would be dreading the pregnancy part! I've definitely learnt you can love your baby more than life itself but hate pregnancy. It's a big change.

I already adore the little baby currently beating up my insides. Thankfully I haven't actually struggled with my body changing (admittedly it is just a bump because I lost so much weight being sick I'm still about the same weight I was before I got pregnant!). And even though it hurts sometimes (yes rib jabs and bladder headbutting I'm looking at you), tbh I think it will feel a bit lonely in there when he's out and I can't feel anything 😅. It's a time of many contradictions.

If you're not ready then take a pause. But honestly I don't think you can ever be ready!

A few people enjoy pregnancy, most people had a list of ailments as long as your arm if you ask.

For me it was: first three months regularly nauseous, round ligament pain
Middle three months loved it, enjoyed being such as rounded shape but still active, insomnia started to kick in though
Last three months just waiting for it to be bloody over, barely slept due to insomnia and discomfort, carpal tunnel syndrome made my hands numb, constipation, pelvic girdle pain.

Went two weeks over due date first time and one week second time - might not sound much but in that condition, two weeks is an eternity.

There are plenty of things to worry about but you can get through them. It's not a walk in the park though. Mat leave has its ups and downs.

Do talk with your DH now about how you envisage childcare and housework and money working, through mat leave and beyond. DH took 3 months shared parental leave each time and it made a big difference to his ability to take care of the kids.

I hated being pregnant. Soooo sick. Loss of control over my body. Having to slow down. Birth was also, frankly, awful, and I had two "good" (ish) births. Was not excited and was particularly dreading the sleep deprivation

It was worth it. I can't tell you how much it was worth it. It's the hardest greatest most gruelling most brilliant thing I've ever done and at times it's nearly broken me but it's just the best. As they say in Bluey, you just have to be the bravest you've ever been

I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old and I've just found out I'm pregnant again. No, pregnancy is definitely not as good as it's made out to be or "romanticised" on telly. It can be difficult, especially the third trimester. And yes, your body does go through changes of course. However, all of it is so so worth it. And maternity leave can be what you make it. For however children you are going to have, you will only have that maternity leave once (per child) and it's a time to bond with your baby and care for your baby. You can go anywhere, meet people or just simply be with your baby. It's good to have a routine for you both. But trust me, it only happens once and that time runs out so make the most of it. I'm not massively happy about being pregnant again (don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon and I'm not taking it for granted I know some people would do anything to be in my situation) but my second pregnancy was worth than my first, and it does come with cons as well as pros. But then again, I'm sure there are women who have had worse pregnancies than me.

Good luck!

can u speak to your gp and they may have some resources that they can refer u to that can give you real life advice from community midwives? x

I was also never excited to be pregnant and assumed it would be absolutely horrible the whole way through!

I'm now 34 weeks and it has been completely different to how I expected. I've been incredibly lucky in that I've had very few symptoms, have felt well throughout, and have found it really interesting what my body is capable of doing. You just don't know what kind of pregnancy you're going to get!

I don't think you can ever be completely ready for a unimaginably life changing event like having a baby, but I do think sometimes, we only see and hear about how awful pregnancy, birth and tiny babies are...but something is keeping the human race going!