I've always understood a 4th c section has risks but I've always wanted 4 children and was cleared for baby 4. My youngest is now 10 and I am 37 and last year we got into financial difficulty due to buying a much larger property it needed alot of work amd was very time consuming and physically hard and a baby at the time felt impossible I couldn't even think about it with all the renovation just after we signed I found out i was 5 wks pg I panicked got scared completely blocked it out didn't think it through due to other stresses and worry and made an awful decision to terminate at 5wks 2 daysi will never forgive myself (please no judgement we are all human and I punish myself daily for the hurried selfish decision I made) the pain it has left in my heart will never ease I grieve for what I wanted so much but worldly worries nack then made it seem impossible and there was no choice.but fast forward over a year financially we are heading to much better times and our home is suitable for 4 children ofcourse this makes me regret my decision even more and i feel so bad for even thinking its ok to consider another after the choice i made but deep down i know by the time I'm 38 we would financially be secure enough to have a 4th but guilt tells me I cant and wouldn't deserve another and I'll be too old etc I am convincing myself I have to feel done at 3 and dont deserve this chance again due to my mistake and age and its tearing me apart this was never my plan and dreams its been so soul destroying I dont have many friends to talk to this through with so kind of hoped i may get some gentle advice here