Pregnancy overwhelming regret

[bbk87]

TW- termination and pregnancy loss

hi, I’m hoping someone can help me or has been in a similar situation.
I’m seriously regretting a somewhat planned pregnancy.
The context and 36 and married and my husband desperately wants a baby
I always assumed I would have kids one-day however, for a very young age felt like I would never be ready.
I just assumed after being married and in a stable relationship, financially secure, I would feel ready, but the opposite happened to me. I told my husband we would start trying after the wedding and he was excited. Every cycle that came around My head was all over the place and I would always avoid sex during my fertile days.
The last cycle after taking some advice to “just leave it up to the universe” “and you can’t wait forever” we fell pregnant after one occasion of unproctected sex in what I thought was still a reasonably “safe” day to not fall pregnant.
I know I should be happy and grateful, but I’m just overwhelmed with fear, regret, grief, loss, guilt, resentment and overwhelming depression.
What makes it worse is my husband believe there should be the happiest time in our life (which should be) so I feel guilty for robbing him of that but I can’t shake this feeling.
I’m six weeks now and all the pregnancy symptoms are just making the feelings so much worse. I just feel like my life has changed overnight when I deep down didnt feel ready for this.
After lots of talking, my husband is super supportive and we are both pro-choice. I’m speaking to a counsellor, but if I can’t shake these feelings am I better off terminating this Pregnancy, and working through my ambivalence to motherhood outside of the pressure cooker?
I can’t help but feel like I did this for my husband and all my friends who kept reminding me “you can’t wait forever” or “time is running out” and because of the stupid biological clock. Has anybody else experience similar situation and how has it worked out?
I’ve also started a new job, recently rekindled my love of travel and surfing which has made the adjustment all so much worse.

In addition to this, we fell pregnant, 18 months ago, after being a tiny bit less careful as he desperately wanted a baby. I had the exact same feelings then and prayed for a miscarriage. I feel so guilty because in the end that happened but looking up back on that I was relieved.

Please help I feel so alone, as this is such a taboo topic.
Obviously my age comes into it. If I terminate this pregnancy i know I might run out of time. I’m not so worried about the next baby but definitely if we want to have two.
I ideally want to get to a point where I fall pregnant in the next 1-2 years but also want to feel like I made that decision for me. And although I may never feel ready I may feel less resentful. Currently I am so scared if I go through with this I will end up with PPD and a lifetime of regret cause I can’t seem to work through these feelings.

please help. I’m at such a loss

Hi Op,

You won’t like my response… and sorry if it upsets you in advance but I think you want honestly. I think you sound incredibly selfish. You told your husband you would start trying for a baby after the wedding. You’ve purposely tried to not get pregnant by actively working out what days you are most fertile and avoiding them, all whilst your partner thinks you are trying for a baby? Wrong on so many levels.

This is your husbands life too not just yours. If you terminate this baby, then you won’t suddenly be wanting one in a couple of years at 38. If you decide to go ahead with a termination you need to tell him that you aren’t going to have kids and let him decide if he still wants to be with you given it means no family for him.

I think you need to try and consider your partner and your future. It’s not about others or societal pressure. Do you want to have a baby ever? Rekindling your love of travelling and surfing just sound such ridiculous excuses. How you could terminate a pregnancy over that is awful.

Keep talking to your counsellor but try and make a decision based on where you see your lives going. Don’t panic about small stuff.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. It seems as though you are trying to convince yourself that you want them, when you know you really don't. Not every woman should be a mother, and there is nothing wrong or abnormal about that. I think you saying you're "not ready" is a blanket excuse you've been using to avoid dealing with reality. You're 36, if You're not ready now you never will be, and having a baby is something you simply get ready for once You're pregnant and decide to continue the pregnancy.

It is also very possible that once the baby is born, you will fall head over heals in love with your child. That happens quite often, too.

What would be wrong is to have a baby you definitely don't want and to keep stringing along a man who does very much want a family.

You have some very, very big decisions to make. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, op.

This is probably not what you want to hear but I became pregnant by accident rather than design early on in my marriage and was really panicking as felt I’d never be able to cope with a baby that wasn’t really planned. I had been hoping to wait a couple of years before trying to conceive. When I spoke to my GP about my fears, she said that pregnancy can be a shock to a person if not planned but you have 40 weeks to get used to the idea if you chose to go that route. When my son was born it was like all my Christmases had come together, so I guess she had a point. The years that we spent raising him and his younger brother were wonderful years, and my husband and I now are off travelling and doing fun things together so life didn’t stop because we had children, thankfully.

I think many women probably feel like you initially, as it IS life changing. But that life change isn’t always a bad thing and children can bring much joy to your life. Having the choice to go ahead or not with the pregnancy is a difficult decision. I really hope things work out for you, in that, whatever decision you make, it’ll be the right one for both of you.

You sound like you might have pre natal depression.

Dd2 was very much wanted, I had 2 mc previously. But around 8 weeks I suddenly felt so unhappy, and wished we just stuck to one dc. It was such a long pregnancy feeling this way.

The second she was born the depression lifted and honestly, life was complete with her.

Sorry I have to agree with the above.

You are stringing your husband on quite a lot and being quite deceitful. If this was the other way round then posters would be saying LTB.

I think you need an open and honest conversation together about everything, not just this pregnancy.

It's fine to not want kids but you need to be honest with your partner.

I do also agree if your not 'ready' now you probably won't ever be as you are 36 now. There never is a perfect time really so your feelings are likely coming from something else.

Wishing you the best as this mental struggle must be hard and as a society it's hard to say you don't want children under all the pressure but it's bloody hard and you shouldn't do it unless you really do want to.

You don't sound like you want to have a baby at all. And that's okay, that's not going to suddenly change when the baby comes or years down the track. It sounds like you have a lot of pressure from your husband and others to have a baby but deep down you don't want to, you shouldn't have a baby for anyone but you.

It's okay to terminate and it sounds like it's what you should do but you should also stop playing games with your husband and promising him something you can't give and give him the choice of staying in the relationship.

Thanks all for your help.
just to clarify I have been super honest and open with my partner about not feeling ready each cycle and not going behind his back in any of it. He is aware of everything that has been happening but I still couldn’t help feeling that every month that went past I was failing him.
i desperately want to get to a point where I can give him this. I just don’t know if that will be this pregnancy or later and what is best for both of us and our family in the long run.
but you’re right I might not get there and that is also ok. He is also aware of that too. It’s just such an awful place to be.

Yes I have to agree with what the PP’s have said. It’s of course absolutely fine if you want to terminate this pregnancy, and if you don’t want to have a baby at all (it sounds as though this is the case but you’re convincing yourself otherwise). But it’s not fine for you to be stringing your DH along saying you want children, and that you’d start trying after your wedding, when that’s not what you really want.
Maybe you feel you do want children someday but not yet, but unfortunately we have a limited window for that, and whilst you hopefully have a few more years, it’s not a guarantee and in a stable marriage at 36 travel and surfing don’t really sound like reasons to have an abortion.
Maybe you’ll keep this pregnancy and all your worries will disappear once you feel baby move or hold baby in your arms but maybe that’s not a risk you should take.
Just think of your DH in this situation and let him have the choice if you don’t want children.

You’re not alone in feeling like this OP. I am 11 weeks pregnant now with my 3rd (somewhat planned but totally unexpected…) and I sobbed and sobbed for days when I found out. In fact, with each pregnancy I looked up my abortion options - I even went as far as to speak with someone about it with this current pregnancy.

it’s totally overwhelming when you realise that the pregnancy is going to completely change your life in a way you can’t control and you start grieving the life you think you have now sacrificed.

But as a PP said, you do have 40 weeks to get used to the idea that you are going to have a baby… and there will be ups and downs within those 40 weeks (particularly when you’re feeling sick and tired!)

im not trying to influence you in what you decide; do what is right for you and your husband. all I want to point out is that you are not alone in how you are feeling right now, I think your feelings are more common than many would like to admit.

I had prenatal depression and ended up making a decision based on this which cost me a lot, I went on to have 2 further children but recognised what was happening in those pregnancies thankfully.

Finding out you are pregnant is the scariest thing in the world!

Look at my threads from a few weeks back and look at my threads from now. I did a complete 360 mind change! I found out i was pregnant unexpectedly at around 8 weeks and i felt devastated which was so weird because i had ALWAYS wanted a baby! it was the only dream i had but i was adamant i did not want this baby! i booked in for a medical abortion but i was too far gone so they said it needed to be a surgical appointment 2 weeks after. I booked it knowing full well i wasn't going to go through with it as i would of been 13 weeks and 4 days and knowing it would of been so developed i couldn't do it. I had decided within about 2 days of that first abortion appointment i was keeping it and im so glad i was too far gone because i know i would of suffered mentally if i went through with it! Im so excited now, i cannot wait to have a baby with my best friend! Take some time to let it settle in, it took me 4 weeks to accept it and sometimes now i struggle still because its such a huge change! whatever you choose to do is the right choice for you!

Not being ready;
Not wanting kids; is absolutely fine OP.
All I will say though is if you decide on the termination don't lie about it to your husband (pretend you miscarried or something) ... be honest with him.
And if he cannot see a future without children, let him go. Don't string him along with 'one day'

If you’re not ready at 36, I don’t think you’re going to be ready at 37 or 38.

It’s fine if you don’t want to have children. But I don’t think you should assume that your feelings will change and you’ll suddenly be ready. What will be different in 1 or 2 years?

I also find it a troubling dynamic that your DH is desperate for kids and you want to “give” him one and feel you’ve failed. A baby is not a gift to someone else - it’s your flesh and blood. And the baby’s connection to its mother is the very most important relationship. So if you’re not sure, no amount of enthusiasm from your DH can make up for the fact you don’t really want a baby.

I do agree with others that finding out you’re pregnant can be terrifying, even if it’s much wanted and planned. But you don’t seem absolutely sure it was wanted.

I wonder if the childfree board could help give you some clarity/another perspective.

You don't have to have children. I'm the same age as you and child free. I would feel sick and filled with dread if I became pregnant. Dont feel forced into having a child - think seriously about what you want your future to look like and whether children are part of that future.

Are you actually on the fence about having kids? If so, i can imagine it is difficult to balance the "waiting for the right time" vs "time is running out" tension. However, if you're certain you don't want children it might help to admit it (to yourself and others) and work towards a childfree future (and relationship).

I'm 10 weeks with my second and I do have moments of thinking 'what have I let myself I for'. I'm constantly worried about my toddler in case she doesn't cope with sharing me. Also I've just this week been told that my place of work is up for sale so I don't know if I'll have a job soon. (I work as a waitress on a zero hour contract in a restaurant) I'm so stressed.

But what I found helpful to me was getting an early scan at 8 weeks. It put my mind at rest about the pregnancy and the baby being in the right place. Have you looked at getting an early scan it might help you make your mind up? I went to window to the womb and it was £70.

Just to say, I didn’t want children AT ALL, and waited until my late 40s to have my son, v much a last chance saloon situation.

And even then, after IVF, I had worries and doubts that my (frankly wonderful, carefree, well rested!) life would be changed for the worse.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. My son is AMAZING. The most incredible human being I have ever met, bar DH. So yes, my wonderful life changed; it became even more beautiful.

Having a baby isn’t easy, it’s tiring and sometimes worrying. But, for me, it’s been the most magical, fulfilling, life affirming experience of my life.

DH and I sometimes have to catch our breath in relief that we decided to ‘go for it’ after years of apathy. Our son is now our absolute universe.

I was 34 when I left it up to the universe which we agreed on. But was avoiding fertile window. Well obviously that didn’t work. We both felt like we weren’t ready for it, little money as carrying out a house renovation and both had started new jobs, we made the decision to terminate as long as it was at the gestation we thought it was which was 4-5 weeks. I felt the biggest sense of relief after my mood lifted straight away. However my relationship has broken down in the year since (after 10years) maybe it is related who knows, admittedly I was depressed after and a few people I knew were pregnant along the same timeline, so at times I found it hard as I could place milestones etc. Im now just coming up to my 36th birthday. Do I have regrets…maybe sometimes I wonder what if. Or if it will happen now for me given the circumstances. I have said since if I don’t have kids then that’s fine but I want the opportunity to say I have tried. I think you need to ask yourself if you actually want kids ever, if it’s a hard no terminate and tell your husband. Let him make that choice if it’s a deal breaker for him. I don’t regret it but who knows if I get to my 40’s and haven’t had the opportunity to try again if I will think that was my missed opportunity

I never wanted kids at all, never felt maternal but warmed to it during pregnancy and absolutely loved being a mum right from the beginning, and I'm an ace one.
I would hate not to have them.

Not everyone who has kids wanted them. But flourished as a parent.

What if you terminate and then can't get pregnant later?

I'm wondering what stops you from simply admitting that you don't really want kids. Because from where I sit... you sound like you don't want kids. This feeling isn't a sudden panic after genuinely wanting to get pregnant, you've felt like this for years. You were trying as hard as you could to not get pregnant without actively using any contraception. You'll get a lot of people telling you they felt just like you and then their baby was the best thing ever. I'm not convinced that's you.

Is it just that you're afraid that admitting you don't want this will cost you your husband? Because yeah, it might. But you cannot, can not have a baby "for" him or "give" him a baby if it's not what you want. It's your body that gets permanently changed and leached of all its nutrients. It's you that has to go through birth. It's you, almost certainly, who will end up shouldering the bulk of care and any career impacts. It's you who society will push into the position of default caregiver .

You have to start asking yourself the hard questions. Like, what will be different in the future when I supposedly will "feel ready"? And am I just clinging to the whole idea of having kids because I can't bear to face what admitting I don't will mean for my marriage? How am I going to feel if my child is born with health problems, or SEN, and I can't work, much less go surfing? Or my marriage ends and I'm raising my kid alone 80% of the time?

I agree it sounds like you know in your bones that you don’t want to have children.

Kidding yourself that you might feel differently in a year or two is exactly that… kidding yourself.

If you feel so viscerally that you don’t want to be pregnant at 36, how are you going to feel any differently at 37?

If you don’t want to have a child, please don’t bring one into the world hoping you’ll have a miraculous change of heart because you won’t. Even some of us who desperately wanted a baby were utterly blindsided by how fucking hard it was (and still is, in my case, with kids of 12 and 8!)

OP I was never particularly keen to have a baby. I was actually pretty ambivalent about the whole thing and didn't feel any urge despite being in my late 30s. It was DP who wanted it more than me. When I eventually became pregnant with DD I was terrified. Do you think it is the reality of being pregnant which is incredibly scary or is it that you really don't want a baby? If you can figure that out (which I am sure is not easy to do) then you will have a better idea of where you go from here.

I wouldn't be without DD now and although I can't guarantee that it would be like that for you, you might be surprised. Obviously though that is a big gamble to take if you really feel strongly that you don't want a baby.

Having said that it really is your choice. If you really don't want a baby then you have the option to terminate. How would your DH feel if you told him you wanted to do that? Would be be supportive? Do you think it would damage your relationship?

To be honest if you don't want a baby now then I doubt you are going to have changed your mind in 1/2 years time.

I had those feelings too at 40. I even had a private midwife as I was so terrified of pregnancy, labour and wanted a hand hold. I can honestly say once I had my first scans, I loved every bit of my pregnancy. It was the most wonderful time carrying my little baby and my little girl being born. I never thought I was maternal, but when I held my baby, it was the most magical feeling in the world. Two days later, I was driving my car to pick up my parents to meet my baby, I had my music up probably too loud, with the biggest feeling of euphoria I ever felt in my life. I had finally done it and it was far more positive than I could have Imagined. The whole experience was the most special time of all my memories I'm not saying all of this to sound smug, I'm trying to show that feelings can be temporary and you can't predict how things will be and how you will feel. I bet when you have the baby, you will be surprised how much love you will feel and how you wouldn't change anything. Pregnancy isn't all that bad, there are some really lovely little things to look forward too, buying little cute clothes, baby shower, gender reveal and the excitement when you're heavily pregnant, waiting to meet your baby. I wish you all the best x

How can you tell if you have pre natal depression or don’t want the pregnancy?

Have you looked into pre-pregnancy depression already? If not, sounds like you should.

I didn't know the first time but the second and Third time I was able to recognise the feelings. I'm not saying that this is depression as it might not be and it might be like others said that OP simply doesn't want to have children which is fine, but it's a very distressing thing to get wrong if you do.