Pregnancy regret - help

[bbk87]

TW- termination

hi, I’m hoping someone can help me or has been in a similar situation.
I’m seriously regretting a somewhat planned pregnancy.
The context and 36 and just married and my husband desperately wants a baby
I always assumed I would have kids one-day however, for a very young age felt like I would never be ready.
I just assumed after being married and in a stable relationship, financially secure, I would feel ready, but the opposite happened to me. I told my husband we would start trying after the wedding and he was excited. Every cycle that came around. My head was all over the place and I wouldn’t let him anywhere near me during fertile days.
The last cycle after taking some advice to just leave it up to the universe we fell pregnant, first go.
I know I should be happy and grateful, but I’m just overwhelmed with fear, regret and depression.
What makes it worse is my husband believe there should be the happiest time in our life (which should be) so I feel guilty for robbing him of that but I can’t shake this feeling.
I’m six weeks now and all the pregnancy symptoms are just making the feeling so much worse.
After lots of talking, my husband is super supportive and we are both pro-choice. I’m speaking to a counsellor, but if I can’t shake these feelings am I better off terminating this Pregnancy, and working through my ambivalence outside of the pressure cooker?Has anybody else experience similar situation and how has it worked out?

In addition to this, we fell pregnant, 18 months ago, after being a tiny bit less careful as he desperately wanted a baby. I had the exact same feelings then and prayed for a miscarriage. I feel so guilty because in the end that happened but looking up back on that I was relieved.

Please help I feel so alone, as this is such a taboo topic.
Obviously my age comes into it. If I terminate this pregnancy I would like to be able to get to a point in the next year where I willingly choose to fall pregnant, but I’m aware that that may not ever happen either.

please help. I’m at such a loss

It's so common to feel this way. For context, I had a much wanted ivf pregnancy, spent life savings making it happen, and I STILL had thoughts of regret throughout, mostly in first trimester. I was 34 so an age where I had made a good life for myself that I really loved, and the sudden reality that that would change inevitably scared me. Now he's here, the love is huge and overwhelming, his smiles are unbelievable and I wouldn't change anything, but the newborn but was hard and I still thought oh no I've ruined my life. And all my friends said they felt the same, it's the great contradiction of parenthood, the absolute joy and the utter despair, felt simultaneously sometimes. Don't underestimate hormonal changes too, and don't beat yourself up about feeling this way, it really is very common.

Also to add, the feeling of it being the happiest time of your life.is one that will come, and go, and come and go, and that's OK too. I had friends who had babies in their mid 30s too and they were all honest about how hard pregnancy could be, and how scary. Catastrophising is all too easy to fall into. Sending hugs as I remember this feeling well, I had it theiugh first trimester plus anxiety about the baby being OK ironically as he was so wanted.

Hey. This is very similar to how I have been feeling. I too had a miscarriage/chemical pregnancy earlier this year and was so relieved in a way as when I found out I was pregnant I basically couldn’t cope, full of dread and thoughts and feelings that I just did not want this.
My partner wants it so so badly, it was driven by him and I eventually came round to it but I now it has happened again I feel pretty much the same, but after being really open and honest with my partner, he is helping me as I am struggling to let myself think of any positives and am just catastrophising constantly like pp said.
My partner has been looking for ways to help me, reading up on these fears and anxiety I’m having to see how he can help. This has made me willing to at least try. I’ve got an early scan booked this Friday at 7 weeks and I’m just taking it day by day until then, and I’ll see how I feel after the scan.
To be honest I wanted to terminate but I’m trying not to be hasty as a lot of this is fuelled by anxiety and fear. You’ve got time, maybe give yourself a week or so? It’s a lot to take in and still very fresh

thank you so much for sharing your experience, as I know how challenging this can be.
I’m just so jealous of the people who know what they want in regards to this. There’s so many complex emotions that coexist and it’s so hard to make sense of it all.
It sounds like we are in a really similar spot. I’m going to do the same and not jump into any thing drastic.
I really wish you the best, and the scan brings you some more clarity. Sending you all the love and support too. Please keep me updated on your progress. I’m hoping together we’ve got this (or not got this) x

Oh wow, me too I’m at SO jealous of people they know for sure it’s what they want and feel pure joy when they get pregnant - I really want that.
Im finding it really tough pushing through these feelings as I can’t work out if they are true feelings or just sheer panic!
It really doesn’t sound like you will be on your own, sounds like your husband is really supportive and will only want to help you which is amazing.
i will definitely keep you updated, please feel free to message me anytime. I think throughout this I’ve just wanted someone to talk to that knows how it feels but I haven’t been able to find that so far!
Please keep in touch ☺️ x

With my first pregnancy I felt like this massively. It was so so tough at the time and the guilt for wishing it away was awful! When it came time to get induced I was distraught as I just wasn’t ready. But once he was born within 2 days I was completely obsessed and madly in love with him and I now wouldn’t change a thing. I’m 19 weeks pregnant with my second baby that was very much planned and wanted to give my son a little sibling and the fear and regret is huge again. I’m on antidepressants as I’m struggling to manage all the emotions and the guilt towards my son for taking away some of my time from him and how it might affect him. I think the hormones play a MASSIVE role as before I fell pregnant this time it seemed like an amazing choice for our family whereas now it feels like a disaster . Give yourself a bit of time to process it it is so tough x

Thanks so much. I definitely think hormones play into it as even before I knew but also suspected things didn’t feel this terrible. I’m so glad to hear it all worked out for you even though still challenging in many ways. Wishing you all the best for this pregnancy. Thanks for the support

I feel the same. I feel so down. Like the baby’s taken away all my happy hormones. I feel like I’ve ruined my life. I’m 42 so if I end this pregnancy I know I will never be a mum. I always wanted to be a mum, but never had the chance till now. It’s all too ironic.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, I know how hard it is, I put up a similar post on a different forum the day I found out I was pregnant.

I'm 35 and doing this via IVF as a single person, it has been 5 years in the planning and thousands of my savings aswell as years of sacrifice so it's very much been a wanted thing for a long time. I had 3 failed IUIs, and 1 failed fresh transfer before getting my positive but I spent the first 2 days in absolute dread, questioning what the hell I had done, angry at all the years I had wasted, sad that I didn't feel my own life was enough. I honestly think there's such an expectation that it's amazing news and everything will be filled with joy from then on but it's daunting as to how your life /body etc will change.

Somedays I still feel like a kid myself, even at 35 and I think it's that doom feeling of body clock ticking or not wanting to be an old parent that brings more pressure. I also think at an older age you have more awareness of the world and it's a big responsibility bringing a child into that so it weighs heavy.

I am feeling better as the days go by and after attending a scan but some moment still feel dark and uncertain. Hormones and the changes to the body play a big part too.

Please be kind to yourself and don't rush into anything. I think if you would be wanting a child in the next year or two then maybe try find a way to work through your feelings with this pregnancy. I say this because if you terminated and didn't fall on again would you feel like there was a void in your life that you could have had to chose not to. I think it's also very hard to process it in that moment.

Take some time to work out what your fears are and seek support on them, even though I went through IVF I never let myself look I to what pregnancy entails incase it didn't happen and honestly it's mind blowing and the sickness, insomnia and pains already so early on (7 weeks 4 days) has just made me worry how I will even cope but our bodies are built for it. If your fears are how you will cope with a baby, there's defo instinct and a lot of support available if you are willing to reach out.