Difficult Decision - Walking Away.

[Newbiemama24]

Hi Ladies,

This is a difficult message to write, but I need some advice and don't have anyone to talk to. Please be kind and mindful that this isn't easy....

I am 9 weeks pregnant and at first had the usual nervousness. It was compounded with the fact that my partner and I were ot in a good place. He is super successful, great job and materially able to provide. I should add I also have a good job so don't financially rely on him or anything, it's just a nice to have. He is very chivalrous and quite old school in how he takes care of me BUT all of this falls away because he is a man child when upset. He talks about work constantly which I don't mind as he's passionate and I find it interesting, but when I closed a big deal with my work after a stressful period he said in an argument I think too highly of myself and my work isn't important. It of course hurt but I'm a confident person so it raised eyebrows more than it shook me. What it did was make me realise that I can be successful, but not too successful in his eyes. He also has a lot of bravado but the cracks show - he was the guy who never got the girl and so ego and money comes in and he was trying and failed to knock my confidence. I have big dreams and these red flags let me know he'd be in competition which is sad and weird. We had a fight earlier in the pregnancy and said he wanted the baby but not me. I'm quite traditional and it made me see him so differently as a man that he would so easily break a family apart because of a tantrum he was having. He apologised, but I lost trust in him that day. Hes been going above and beyond lately to be caring, but this is a cycle at this point and I want off. I don't just want a baby, I want a family and over the course of these few (there are more) examples I have given you, I realised I can't see a future with him.

I've started pulling back gently to keep the peace, but he has shown a spiteful side and I can't imagine the misery of co-parenting for the rest of my life with him. I think I want to have an abortion and have made an appointment, but am struggling religiously/morally as I don't know if I'm being selfish. Btw before anyone says it, I just never thought I'd personally consider an abortion, but don't judge anyone who does (obviously) and respect whatever choices people make for there bodies. Just explaining why I'm struggling with this from this perspective.

I plan on saying I had a miscarriage and that I need space. I don't trust that he wouldn't shoot off/lie to mutual friends so I don't want the drama of his diffensiveness if i try to explain why his behaviour is beyond unacceptable, so I won't. Slow ghost for a clean break? I'm 36, never been married and don't have children so this is really not how I imagined starting a family. I'm not perfect, but I go out of my way to try to be good to people. I realised he doesn't deserve me and nor do I/my future children deserve him. Please gently advise?

Hi @Newbiemama24 , I began typing and then thought none if my business and closed musmnet. But washing my 10 week old babies bottles at the sink there I had to come back as I feel furious on your behalf that this man has made you feel this way at 9 weeks pregnant, when you'll be dealing already with the huge emotional tug of war this is the fear and elation of early pregnancy, and although I'm pro abortion I'm also so sad for the life growing that this man has thrown things into such turmoil.

It's every mothers desire to bring their child into a picture perfect family, but remember that alot of families don't remain so. My parents divorced when I was young, it was acrimonious but I grew up just fine. Obviously having a child ties you to him for life, and separating when the child is already here is easier because you've met them, love them, and their existence justifies the unenviable and unfortunate continued contact between you and the ex, my mother always said at least she got me and my sister.

I'm so sorry you're having to make this decision. It comes down to how much you a)want a child b)want this child with this man and c) how you can reconcile with the probably outcome of coparenting with him (not a guarantee he may not step up there).

Wishing you all the best and hugs from me for the situation you've been put inx

I’m sorry you are in this terrible positions and have such a hard choice to make.

All I can say is that trying to co parent with a difficult man is a really REALLY hard thing to do. They soon learn that they can use your love for your child against you and you spend years of your life biting your tongue and compromising because you think it’s best for your child.

I didn’t realise that I’d chosen a bad/ selfish / narcissistic man to have kids with until after we were married and the kids were born. I wish I’d realised before that happened, when I might have made a different choice.

it’s hard to even write this of course because I feel like I’m saying that I wish my children had never been born. And of course that’s not true.

But I wish I’d chosen a better man to be their father. We are no longer together and the kids are young adults so I don’t have to see him much. But he still hurst my kids by the way he treats them and that’s hard to see.

Bad men are not good fathers.

FWIW I am Christian and the ‘moral’ side of me says that an abortion is completely ok and you should not put your future happiness (and that of a potential child) at risk by tying yourself forever to a man with a cruel, jealous and petty nature. He absolutely would use a child to punish and control you both. Please let go of the idea that you would be doing something wrong by having an abortion and take whichever decision is best for you.

In your circumstances I would also be considering an abortion and pretending miscarriage, then getting the hell away. Having a child with someone ties you together even if the relationship fails, and it seems you already know this is not a man who would make co-parenting easy. In fact he may make your life hell, could have a huge impact on your mental health, and with it a huge impact on your child too.

I don't think an abortion in these circumstances could ever be considered 'selfish'.

Ladies, I am so touched by your thoughtful and honest messages. I had a little cry because my mental health has been shot and frankly, I feel embarrassed. I havent told anyone I'm pregnant. I don't doubt I would love my child, but my love for them means I don't want them to be a weapon for someone who can't have me, so use my child to control me. I kick myself because my instinct told me no from the day I met him, but I overrode it because I was love bombed and because I do want to settle down, but character matters and what im seeing I dont like. If he can't have me, I dont trust he will be decent and won't torture me through this child. I won't allow him the satisfaction and I promise myself to make better choices next time.

I think what you're considering sounds like the most sensible course of action, in the cold light of day. Heartwrenching though it may be. He's not the right partner for you and while I would never presume another's feelings about a termination, it does sound like co parenting with him would be a long, hard road. Sending you much support whatever you decide.

Whatever you choose to do, it will be the right desision. It's yours alone to make. Trust your gut. I'm really sorry. I remember my dh being delighted and being a great support. You deserve so much better

You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. Nothing. You were targeted by an abusive man, that’s all.

I think you’re being incredibly wise and sensible.

This must be an awful decision for you to have to make but I think you're being incredibly sensible and brave.

Get away from this man OP. Sending you love and strength.