Pregnant with 2nd and don’t know what to do.

[didistutter56]

I’ve just found out I’m pregnant with my 2nd child and I really don’t know what to do.

DD is 8 from a previous relationship, and after trying for a baby 18 months ago and had no luck, partner and I decided that we should probably give it up and not try again.

Part of me really wants another baby, but I know it would be so so difficult.

i had hyperemesis with DD, couldn’t get out of bed for months, hospitalised at one point when I couldn’t keep water down. I was in my mid twenties at that point and I struggled so much, I don’t know how I’d cope in my thirties now.

partner is also in his 40s, never had kids and doesn’t know how he’d feel having kids around into his 60s.

We also run a business together that is doing wonderfully after years of not doing so great whilst DD was little. There’s parts of the business DP would not be able to do without me, and it would suffer as a consequence if I’m so ill again.

We also have dogs and cats now that I didn’t have first time round, the house is cramped as it is.

My heart wants another one but my head is saying it would be so difficult and put a lot of strain on everything. It doesn’t help that DD isn’t very independent either, she still doesn’t sleep through the night and wants a lot of attention.

We appreciate the break we get from DD when she goes to her Dads, both mine and DP’s family are useless so we wouldn’t have any extra help with this one at all.

Part of me also feels ashamed at the idea of a termination because we are in the position financially to have another baby. We use contraception all the time and the one time we didn’t (stupid morning quickie) here we are, and I’m so annoyed at myself that I’ve put myself in this position.

Hello,

I'm in a similar situation. 6 weeks Pregnant after years of saying our one child was more than enough.

My mind has been going in all sorts of directions. But as the days go on I'm able to process and understand all the problems I'm facing but also allow in the possibility of much joy.

I've had times when I'm certain I can't cope with this but then moments of thinking fuck it. My partner who is usually very negative said 'we planted a seed let's see what happens' all my friends say it's a good thing but I'm being gentle with myself for not fully agreeing.

Please know that you don't have to make a decision today. You're unable to because you're in shock.

Can you take some time out to process this and do some self care?

Also be kind to yourself you're only human x

Thank you. I think if DP was more on board then I’d do it, but he’s always been happy if we got pregnant or happy if we didn’t! I’m mostly just worried about having hyperemesis again, I’m not sure I can go through all that a second time round.

This is in no way meant to be judgmental, but you were actively trying 18 months ago, what was it then that made you feel it would be manageable? I only ask because are the same factors applicable now?

If things have massively changed don’t be hard on yourself. I also struggled with morning sickness and general tiredness of the first trimester but have a lot of family support for the next time round. But like yourself I have two dogs and cats and there was a lot of throwing up on early morning dog walks, early nights and a supportive partner to help with the load. I say this as a, it can be done if this is what you WANT.

If it’s not, take no shame in not putting yourself or a new child in an unworkable position that will potentially lead to resentment, effecting the MH of all involved. Take this from someone with a young baby in the thick of baby hood ( which I think people often forget) it is bloody hard work, tiring and draining however much I love them to the ends of the earth. And this is all made easier by being a younger, with a partner who wanted the baby as much as me and an amazingly supportive network of family and friends.

DP was working a full time job, he only joined me in the business a few months ago. We also didn’t have the second dog then.

I suppose I convinced myself it was all for the best after we didn’t conceive first time round, so that’s all that sticks in my head now. The sickness is the biggest part, with DD I was being sick 15 times a day for 7 months, lost 2 stone and had zero energy for anything.

A close friend of mine is currently pregnant with terrible HG. She has an almost 2 year old and does cope. It’s been hard and she has been hospitalised multiple times but she does have day time child care that would equate to your 8 year old who will be in school (?). Although you say she is needy and requires support she will undoubtedly be more autonomous and less demanding, so it can be done. Where there is a will there is a way, plus the pregnancy although gruelling is only temporary. It is the resulting child that is there life long permenant decision as you well know with a child of your own already!

As I previously said, though this is about what you want! The situation you’re in, although in some aspects more difficult than others is not impossible to muddle on for 9 months. If you’re here to hear if it’s doable, it absolutely is. If your hear to justify your choice for a termination because a baby isn’t what your want, you don’t need it OP, you do what is best for you and your family, regardless of situation. Fully appreciate this is easier said than done and either decision will take times to come to terms with but don’t be hard on yourself either way.

I believe that the earlier you start antinausea medication the better, so if you've had hyperemesis before, hopefully the GP would prescribe something before you start to feel nauseous. Hopefully that would mean you wouldn't have it as badly again.

firstly i am sorry you feel this way and you’re going through this, and you should definitely make whatever decision is right for you but I do wonder if you’re perhaps just panicking a bit? You were actively trying 18 months ago and all the problems you’ve listed would have been problems then. Except a second dog which doesn’t really seem like its particularly relevant at all, to me
and dp is now self employed, but as that’s going well again that doesn’t seem like it matters either. many men are self employed when their partner has a child.

Nothing else has changed.
if anything things have gotten easier.
ofcourse do what’s right for you, but I think you’re making some of these issues a bit bigger than they are. Maybe that’s because you’re scared or maybe that’s because you’re trying to justify a termination to yourself to give yourself permission to not want this. Only you know really but either decision is ok. But now you know to use contraception every time at least!