Partner has other priorities

[RP1176]

Hi mums, I’m wondering if anyone can tell me if I’m being unreasonable here. I’m 34 weeks pregnant and struggling with back pain and exhaustion. I have a demanding full time job and a toddler to look after. My partner is in a band and goes to band practice once every fortnight. He leaves the house at 6pm and gets home at midnight. He also has gigs about once a month, leaving the house at about 5 and getting home at 12/1am. Recently I’ve been really struggling with my mental health. Me and my partner have been arguing a lot and last week I hit rock bottom and was in crisis. I asked my partner not to go to band because I wasn’t feeling safe to be alone. He went anyway. I called him and text to ask him to come home as I needed support and was having bad thoughts. He eventually came home at 8:45pm. He told all his band friends that I was being attention seeking abusive and controlling and they agreed with him. This week he has told me that band practice is now ramping up to once a week. Despite the fact I am clearly struggling. I’m going to be having a C-section and I don’t know what I’m going to do with a new born and a toddler on my own while he’s out at band. He says I’m selfish and controlling because I won’t let him do band once a week. I don’t know what to believe any more, am I in the wrong for expecting him to be home to support me in the last month of a difficult pregnancy and when I’m post c section?

To add context the toddler is not his, I had him in a previous relationship. And my partner was very keen on having this baby, I was less sure but he said it was his dream and he’d be there for me every step of the way. He even said he’d stop drinking for 9 months to support me, which never happened. I am not against him being in the band at all, but I think it’s a bad time for him to be increasing practice to every week and I also feel he should have missed practice when I clearly needed him last week

That's not OK, in general I would say a one-night-a-week hobby is fine but he should have supported you. I hope you are getting some mental health support from midwife services. And I am sure you know this but it sounds very quick to be having a baby, if you have a toddler from previous relationship, you can barely have been with your new partner.

I left my previous partner during the pregnancy. My son is nearly 4. I met my partner about 2 years ago. He was very keen and persuaded me to have this baby. I agree it was probably too soon in hindsight

Hi OP, I’m sorry that you’re going through a tough time! As for your DP, once every fortnight doesn’t sound that bad, but he should be understanding of your situation . It sounds like anxiety and ‘what ifs’ play a part here…could you agree with him that he goes to band practice until your c-section but has his phone on him for any emergencies, and takes time off from practice for the 2-3 weeks after the section when you clearly will need his help?

The once a fortnight was fine. It’s the fact he’s just told me he’s increasing it to once a week. I feel it’s a bad time to be increasing band when I’m in my last month of pregnancy and I’m struggling. It’s also the fact that in a crisis situation when I really needed him, he refused to cancel it as a one off

I'd be very wary of any new man who says they want to have a kid. It's a tactic controlling men use as then they have you trapped

And as you can see you're now stuck with him. All those promises of being around have vanished. And you're labelled controlling

Is he like this in other ways?

It's no good now but this really has been a rapid escalation relationship

Where do you live? Is it his place/yours/both? Do you have any other support locally?

I have family including my parents locally. He is generally helpful for example around the house and has been very good with my little boy. We live together in my house but I’m staying with my parents since the weekend to get some support after struggling so much at the weekend. He works full time and then has a weekend job from 8-2pm on Saturday and Sundays. Then he does this band so if there’s a gig I will not see him all day on a Friday/Saturday as he goes straight from work. He also does other stuff such as dinner at his parents once per week, goes cycling with friends (he has cut this right down during my pregnancy but says he’s going to start doing it weekly after the baby is here). I think ultimately my issue is that he is suddenly increasing his other commitments at the worst possible time and he’s saying I’m abusive when I’ve tried talking to him about it.

When did he move into your house?

I mean he screams cocklodger to me

He works seven days a week and has all these hobbies. What made you think he would support you in any meaningful way?

Yes I know what your issue is. I'm saying you can't look at that individually. You have to look at the bigger picture.

You have a man you have barely known for a year insist on having kids, moves in with you and your child, then calls you abusive to others when he doesn't get his own way

You can't just focus on the one issue you want to change. You have to look at this man as a whole. His actions are very questionable.

I read it that you’ve been with him for 2 years? I think the fact he works full time and has a hobby that means he’s out the house a couple times a fortnight (soon to be a week) isn’t an issue on the surface of things.

I agree he needs to be a support for you but my friends husband panicked a bit before their baby was due and was trying to get in all the ‘freedom’ he could before the baby was born. He agreed after the baby was born that it was a di*k move but maybe he’s struggling a bit too?

Can you confide in your parents or a friend so they can stay with you when he pops out?

Have you spoken about your mental health with your midwife? If you’ve got dark feelings they need to be addressed and worked through. It’s a huge deal having a baby and if you’ve got mental health problems to deal with on top it can be really tough. I know it’s scary but try and reach out to a professional and see what they can offer x

Sorry just read that he’s amping up the hobbies. That’s something personally I’d ask to reduce. Do you have any hobbies? If not I’d start telling him that he needs to stay in so you can go out!

I'm sorry but this relationship needs to be over.

His band practice isn't the issue here and I'm really confused as to how no one else has mentioned that the fact you told him you were in a crisis and he accused you of being controlling and attention seeking. That's not acceptable.

He's not going to support you, he's not a supportive man and it doesn't even sound like he cares about you, just his own needs.

Throw the whole man out and seek help for your mental health. Get medication if you don't already have it. Having 'bad' thoughts is serious and he obviously doesn't give a crap or doesn't believe you. You need help and he's not willing to give it. You asked for his help and he threw a tantrum like a child, calling you controlling and retaliating by upping band practice frequency. Nothing you do or say will make him see your point of view here, he's being deliberately combative.

Kick him out, he's only going to make your mental health worse. Surround yourself by supportive people instead.

Why did he move in with you? Was it his idea or yours?

We decided he would move in when I got pregnant. So he could support me which feels like such a joke now. All his band friends were supporting him though and telling him I’m abusive and controlling for asking him to come home from practice. They said if someone wants to kill themselves they’d do it, otherwise it’s just attention seeking. I did seek help on that day, I contacted the crisis team and they actually suggested it wasn’t a good idea for me to be alone. That’s why I asked him to stay home rather than going to band

Your don't actually know what his band mates think. You know what he's told you they think. He may not have even mentioned it to them at all.
But that line about 'if someone wants to kill themselves they will' is fucking awful. He should be dumped for saying that to you alone.
He never should have left you alone in that level of crisis and it shows what he thinks of you.

Just get rid of him, make him leave your house, the whole point was to support you but that's not happened and now it's too late.

I think he's making your mental health worse.

He's the opposite of supportive.

I'd chuck him out of your house, he's not a good person.

I agree.
He's using you and he thought a baby would mean you couldn't kick him out.
Time to weigh up what you are gaining from this relationship and what you are losing.
You have your parents for support.
Don't move out of your house, ask him to move out.

Going to go against the grain here but... I feel like you are the one being controlling here? Being out once every two weeks is nothing, one gig a month is nothing. Im sure you knew he was in a band when you met and hence knew that they have antisocial hours? It sounds like you are now expecting him to drop his commitments on a whim (bearing in mind he has other people relying on him there) to sit at home with you, you say its a one off but you are unreasonably pissed off about this which leads me to believe this is an ongoing battle that you arent winning. I understand mental health, I really do, but if you are struggling, then you need help that goes beyond controlling whether BF goes out for a few hours.

I agree its not a great time to ramp up to weekly, but he is not the only person in the band and it might not be his decision to make. I think there could be middle ground of him doing a half session with them each week, but I think berating him for daring to leave the house because you are pregnant isnt really fair.

For those calling him a cocklodger for having a (potentially paid) hobby and a job... get an absolute grip.

Hmm OP I have to agree with @Screwballs a bit here. I’m really sorry that you’re struggling but perhaps the fact that your previous partner left during your pregnancy has increased your anxiety and you are projecting this on to your current partner.

Doing a hobby once a week is completely fine and he shouldn’t have to quit this because you are pregnant. It’s important that you have your own hobbies too and get a similar amount of time off to do your own thing as well though!

I can see the perspective of his friends and him, you’re not happy with him doing the hobby and have now claimed you’ll commit suicide if he goes to band practice - this does seem like it could be controlling, or at least coming from a place of needing healing, or having a very anxious attachment style, or feeling that the only way to feel loved and connected is through drama.

Perhaps you were genuinely in need that night but perhaps you were unfairly creating a dramatic reason for him to stay back rather than addressing the root causes of your anxiety.

Only you know what really happened and what’s really going on with you. You could either be a very balanced person who was having a genuine crisis or you could be someone who needs to do a lot of work on your emotional maturity and look at your childhood and how you saw relationships modelled in the home.

But, if your partner is in other ways a great guy and helps you out and is loving and understanding, I think I would give them the benefit of the doubt around their perception of your crisis. Also, someone who works hard and is in a band and cycles sounds like someone who is interesting, organised and has their act together rather than a cocklodger!

I will however say that it’s not on that he discussed this with his friends and told you what they think, on the face of it that was unkind. But, we also don’t know what kind of stress he is under so maybe he was at breaking point too so opened up to them to get an outside view.

Perhaps some counselling for you to address any trauma you have from your previous break up to ensure you’re not letting that effect you now, would be useful for you. Perhaps that would help you communicate what you actually need from him. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t do his hobby, but maybe you’re needing more reassurance of the stability of your relationship in other ways and therapy could help you pinpoint this to ask for what you need before the relationship is too damaged.

OR he could be horrible! But it’s impossible to tell from your description of the situation.