Not excited about pregnancy

[beatrice89]

I’ve just fallen pregnant. 5 weeks so very early. My daughter is 4. Me and my partner said for years we were happy with one child. Something came over us when she turned four and we wanted a sibling for her.

I’m very spiritual and felt like it was meant to be but I’m having doubts that we’re up to the challenge.

I have mild depression that I’m successfully treating, our housing and financial situation is precarious. Since discovering the pregnancy I stopped sertraline because I'd only been on it a week. I was worried about it affecting the babies development.

I feel guilty and worried for not being over the moon about the pregnancy. My partner doesn't feel excited either. He has bi polar and when we had our first baby he had a massive breakdown and we had to separate. We got back together when our daughter was 10 months. I think we're just so aware of what an incredible and terrifying journey we've been on with becoming parents.

Also we really want a boy but there's no guarantee. I guess I have to accept these feelings and process them.

Anyone else had a 2nd child that was unplanned but it worked out ok ?

Firstly, I think doubts are very normal. Even the most wanted pregnancies can make you think, shit, what have I done??! Yours and your whole family’s life has changed in the time it took for you to POAS. Little else in life will do that to you.

I’m going to be honest, as you have asked for advice: it doesn’t sound as if you want to have a baby now. Having a sibling for your daughter isn’t a good enough reason to bring a new life into the world. They may never get on. Do you still want a baby, a whole other human up to age 18 and beyond. What if it’s a girl- as it might be. Really explore these feelings. If you recognise it was difficult last time, you owe it to yourself, your partner, your daughter and this pregnancy to make sure you are fully committed to continuing it. It’s not wrong to terminate if that’s what seems best. You can always make a different decision in the future when your MH feels improved, and your housing and finances are better.

All that being said: you can obviously still make it work - if you want to! Plenty of people have unexpected pregnancies all the time and roll with the punches, it’s what life has dealt you and you make the best of it. In any situation you would always just get on with it and things work themselves out in the end. I know someone who has just got pregnant for the 4th time and only discovered at 14 weeks. Her house isn’t big enough, she has lost her job and they don’t have a family car big enough. But they seem happy and they will be fine, despite unideal circumstances.

I guess what I’m saying is prioritise yourself right now, whatever that looks like (only you know). Sending love to you x

OP I’m really conscious that you’ve said in your post you’ve just stopped your sertraline - was that under medical advice? It’s fairly well documented that sudden meds changes can increase anxiety and change mood. NOT dismissing any of the worries you have about how you and your partner will cope - but more wondering if it could be helpful to ask to speak with perinatal mental health and see what supports are/could be available?

@maybemaybeno thanks for your reply and for saying it's normal to be like wtf.

I don't know what I want. I will explore all feelings in my journal and with friends. I haven't told anyone yet.

I loved birth and pre toddler stage 😂 age 3 was hard. My 4 year old would absolutely love having a baby around.

I was an only child so sibling stuff is all new. But that's what makes it exciting for me. My partner really struggled with the baby stage.

@Callmemummynotmaaa hello,

Thanks for replying. Yes I just stopped taking it because I read about the risk of heart defects. I didn't speak to my Dr. I might speak to PANDAS as they helped me before. I am doing a four week talking therapy course which has helped me massively. It's all about routine and diet and problem solving.

I had anti depressants after my daughter was born but only used them for a few months I used other holistic treatments.

I don't know whether to keep taking them or not. When I asked my dr how they work she couldn't tell me!

I’m sorry your experience with your GP was so frustrating. I’m not sure if we’re allowed to provide links - but this is to an NHS leaflet about sertraline and pregnancy (and tries to explain the benefits/risks in ways that are understandable) https://www.acacia.org.uk/files/cms/232_Sertraline%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf
PANDAS sounds like they could be also worth a call in the morning. Depending on where you’re based it’s also possible that your talking therapies prioritize pregnancy (in my area of London they do) if you wanted more sessions.

NOT trying to convince you of anything. Just conscious of not minimising how crap we can suddenly feel when coping without our usual tools/resources.

To echo other posters in terms of the guilt/anxiety thing. I’m currently pregnant with baby #3 in our house. It’s been a much harder pregnancy (health wise) than expected and involved an unexpected change in jobs…so even now I sometimes wonder if we’re doing the right thing and I’m 5+ months. I know the early days will be tough, but for me, I do like the idea of a bigger family. I sometimes think it’s more “natural” to be both excited and scared! Even now I love my family a lot, but don’t always love being a parent every min of the day (ie there’s times when it’s hard work). Not sure I’m explaining myself well at all as tired but…it’s ok to not be feeling pure joy right now.

Hope you can get the time and support you need to process it all xx