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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Teen pregnancy

22 replies

tropicaltrees · 01/10/2023 10:06

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. I'm young and pregnant. All is going well, financially I should be okay as I work full time and have a stable job.

However, I am not with the father of the child and this makes my parents not supportive of the pregnancy. I don't want to lose my support system, but I don't want to lose my baby either. They disagree with the idea of lone parenthood and believe being a single mother will be bad on the child even though the father has agreed to be part of the child's life.

What do I do? :(

Continue with the pregnancy like I want but ruin my relationship with my parents. Or terminate the pregnancy when I don't want to. I'm torn.

Thank you, feel free to ask questions.

OP posts:

Summerscoming23 · 01/10/2023 10:08

Your parents might feel very different when there's a wee baby to love as apposed to now when it won't seem as real. If you want the baby you should keep it. Are his parents supportive?

Original poster

tropicaltrees · 01/10/2023 10:13

Summerscoming23 · 01/10/2023 10:08

Your parents might feel very different when there's a wee baby to love as apposed to now when it won't seem as real. If you want the baby you should keep it. Are his parents supportive?

His parents are middle ground. They're not particularly happy, but they're not telling me to get rid of it like my parents are. At first his parents were claiming I was 'baby trapping' as I found out a few weeks after we broke up - but now they're fine. Not happy not sad.

OP posts:

Stephy1024 · 01/10/2023 10:25

I'm curious what would they like you to do if you had a family already but you and the farther broke up? Give up the kids?
How involved is the father going to be? Will he have baby afew days a week? Once everything settles down. Are you both planning on doing 50/50?
Either way it's your life, your baby so you do what's best for you.

WandaWonder · 01/10/2023 10:26

If you can live independently and raise the child yourself do whatvyou want, it is not fair on your parents to have a baby and hand it to them and say 'right we are living here and you have to help'

And use better and more contraception next time

MermaidEyes · 01/10/2023 10:36

You say you have a stable job but what happens when the baby comes along? Will you give up your job to care for it? If not, do you earn enough for the pretty extortionate cost of childcare? As a teenager, I suspect not. It's not fair to expect your parents to be looking after the baby if that isn't their wishes, when they've only just about finished parenting themselves.

Boredatwork1234 · 01/10/2023 10:38

As some who had to terminate a wanted pregnancy due to health issues don’t do it! It’s completely messed me up mentally. You want this baby

LynetteScavo · 01/10/2023 10:38

I was also going to ask who is going to look after the baby's while you're at work? Will you be able to afford childcare? Do you still live with your parents?

Hatesf1 · 01/10/2023 10:41

How old are you? Do you live at home with your parents? If you were my daughter I would advise you to terminate. You have plenty of time to meet someone, get settled and secure and raise a family - it doesn’t sound like now is the right time.

WandaWonder · 01/10/2023 10:44

Boredatwork1234 · 01/10/2023 10:38

As some who had to terminate a wanted pregnancy due to health issues don’t do it! It’s completely messed me up mentally. You want this baby

But who has to raise it? The grandparents?

PenguinPete · 01/10/2023 10:46

As someone who's been through this... let me give you a realistic answer instead of a "mumsnet" answer.

I was a dad at 16. Its an absolute nightmare. Looking back (I'm now 27) I was totally a child even if I didn't think so at the time. College and work was put on hold and my poor parents got saddled with my child for most of the first year, after which they asked for a residency order which I granted. The mother is not in the picture.

If your support network falls through, you will 100% lose your job because you won't have the time to commit. You'll struggle to pay your bills etc unless you are expecting inheritance or come from a wealthy family.

Your parents are already unhappy with all of this so may not support you once the baby is here. I know teen boys, I was one. He may disappear once your baby is born. He may not. Chances are though he will have another girlfriend who will influence his decision either way. He's a child. He's easily swayed.

Honestly I love my child, she's amazing. But I'm hardly a father. I have the utmost respect for my parents who helped me so I could build a career and go to university. But it cost me a residency order. I'm happy with how things turned out, but if my parents weren't there for me, I'd be full of resentment to this day, and would probably opt to make better decisions as a teenager.

This is a realistic answer. Before anyone comments "I'm not wishing my child away or pawning her off on my parents" this is just the reality of teen pregnancy.

It's your call, just try and be smart about it. Don't let emotion run too high.

forevaworried · 01/10/2023 14:20

Please don’t abort your baby if you don’t want to. It will stay with you forever.

Your parents will possibly feel different when their grandchild is born.

So many parents are lone parents, whether that’s before or after birth. If your parents truly won’t support you, ask social services for help. No professional wants to see you struggle and no one will assume you’re wrong for asking for help.

If you plan to go back to work, your employer has a duty to be flexible to your change in circumstances. Childcare is expensive but you may be eligible for benefits to help with this.

Do what you want to do. If they kick off at your decision and continue to begrudge you for it, leave them to it. It’s your baby not theirs if that’s how they feel.

Knock123 · 01/10/2023 18:01

I wasn't a teen but in my early 20s and found myself pregnant after ending a relationship. My mum put pressure on me to terminate - I had an OK job, I lived on my own and I thought I could figure it out but the reality was I wouldn't have been able to provide that child with the life that I would want for it. I also didn't want to be tied to my ex for the rest of my life!

I terminated the pregnancy and yes it does stay with you and is an awful experience but it was the best thing I could have done. I have had the freedom to chase my dreams and eventually met a lovely man and began a family in my 30s. We own our home, we both have a stable income and are able to afford childcare, hobbies and treats for our child. Had I had a child so young, that child would have grown up in poverty. I have absolutely no regrets about the decision I made.

You have your whole life ahead of you to meet the right person and have a family, you don't have to do it all now. Wishing you the best of luck whatever you choose.

MaximumSunshine · 01/10/2023 18:06

Sorry but dont do it
Watch Teen Mom UK to see how lack of education, poverty, being trapped in home town & on going (18yrs!) conflict with exes wrecks young women's dreams and any chance of a career, building wealth or having fun

Youll most likely be incredibly lonely, poor and angry at your ex. You deserve better! Do it when youre older and in a proper relationship.

Zola1 · 01/10/2023 18:07

I had my daughter when I was 18.
I adore her and she has made me the person I am today, I feel so lucky to have her.

It has been the most difficult thing imaginable. I separated from her Dad when she was 18m but the relationship was bad before that. I had to give up my (good!) job. I went back to college and on to uni but it was super rough studying and trying to manage bills and look after a baby especially if she was sick etc. My entire adult life so far (she's nearly 14) has been committed to trying to make up for the mistakes I made when she was a baby and making sure she doesn't miss out due to me having her so young.
I've missed girls trips, holidays, normal relationships, I've paid bills instead of buying nice things, I've worried about getting food in the fridge and buying kids shoes while my friends were thinking about makeup and new boyfriends.
I don't regret it but if I had my time again I'd do it differently. All I've done up to the age of 32 is work hard to try to improve her life.

Zola1 · 01/10/2023 18:08

Oh also..career wise I've done great and having her so young has pushed me on rather than held me back. But I've basically had very very little actual life outside being a mum and working.

MaximumSunshine · 01/10/2023 18:10

@Zola1 you sound amazing and should be proud! I very much hope the rest of your life is easy and blessed.

MariaVT65 · 01/10/2023 18:18

As others have said Op, it would be useful to understand more about your situation.

How old are you? Do you live with your parente or else what type of accommodation do you live in? What is your maternity package like? What are your plans for childcare when you return to work? Have you looked into childcare costs?

MariaLuna · 01/10/2023 18:19

Just to put a different spin on it, I had an abortion, long time ago now and have absolutely no regrets about it. It was the best thing I could do at the time.

When my son was born I was in a much better situation to give a child everything he needs in life.

Zola1 · 01/10/2023 18:19

MaximumSunshine · 01/10/2023 18:10

@Zola1 you sound amazing and should be proud! I very much hope the rest of your life is easy and blessed.

This is so kind, thank you so much 😊🥰

gotomomo · 01/10/2023 18:34

Can you do this completely solo? Can you support yourself, your child, pay for childcare, rent etc? It's really tough as a mid 20's fully qualified adult! I was 25 it was hard

Spacecowboys · 01/10/2023 18:43

I have close friends/ family who were teenage parents. Things have worked out well for them BUT they had a good support network.
It will be extremely difficult to be a teenage parent and also build a good career/ income if you are doing it yourself, without family fighting your corner with you.

What are your child care plans for when you return to work? Do you live alone? Are you expecting your parents to house you and the baby- you really need them on board if this is your expectation?

Mariposista · 01/10/2023 18:46

If YOU can pay for it yourself, raise it yourself, teach it yourself, work and study around it, then have it.
Otherwise you need to do some thinking sadly. It's not a nice position to be in. But you are young, there will plenty of time for babies in better circumstances.

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