To feel as though mil and dp have taken over completely and it’s ruined my joy in things?

[Crzy]

I am a younger mum carrying the first grandchild which I’m sure doesn’t help but we kept my pregnancy private for a considerable amount of time due to previous losses knowing I wouldn’t want to be answering questions however well meaning if something did go wrong. As a result of this mil only found out in the last few days and she has gone crazy! We don’t speak much at all before this and now dp wants to move in with his mother while saving for a deposit as I’ve had to give up my job as self employed due to pregnancy as I’ve not had it easy and my job wasn’t suitable atm considering my issues. But now I feel forced to agree with everything as I have to move out of my current accommodation and our agreement was to go into an apartment we found cheaply from a friend while we save and I begin working elsewhere but this is no longer the plan and I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed. Things like nursery plans and furniture purchases clothing literally any possible purchase has been completely taken over and it’s really taken all the joy out of an already anxious pregnancy. Sat here crying feeling like everyone just believes I can provide absolutely nothing and like I can’t say anything without making my life awkward and seeming rude.

I was expecting maybe some excited gifts but this complete take over making lists of what to buy and getting it without consulting me buying furniture without consulting me. I just want my childs main items to be…well from me! Or atleast something I would chose I’m already feeling useless from my inability to actually do most things for myself and this has just amplified my feelings by 1000 and every time I’ve tried broach my feelings with dp it’s “she’s just excited let her have her moment” but rather selfishly I just want my chance to have my excited moment! I haven’t had a single chance to actually enjoy my pregnancy and I feel like this is the last bit of enjoyment before my child’s here and it too is being taken from me.

I know I must sound like an ungrateful whiny bitch but it’s really got to me!

Hope to god mil isn’t on here as she’s absolutely lovely otherwise!

Can you ask her to check in with you so that the styles suit the look your after?

You are definitely not being whiney. It's your child not hers and so of course you want to choose the things they have.

It's time to talk this out with your DP and tell him exactly how you are feeling. He needs to be your advocate here and if he doesn't step up now then you really need to think long and hard about your relationship - it will only get worse when baby is here.

We're all rooting for you

Why do you need to live with MIL? What about your mum? If she's too much tell DP he needs to reign her in as you're excited and want to choose stuff for your child and if he doesn't you'll be living with someone who respects your boundaries.

Just be careful you're not cutting your hand off to spite your face though. Baby stuff is expensive - can you afford to buy everything you want/need yourself? Baby won't care what pram/crib its in and who chose it.

@HowcanIhelp123 my landlord is selling my current property having only notified me recently and my mother is completely unsuitable for any child to be around due to abuse so sadly not an option. Perfectly able to afford the basics and have already budgeted so there’s enough in savings to do so as well as dp being very well paid so cost isn’t the issue and I’d appreciate it if it wasn’t every last detail! Not too fussy over looks anything will do they’re not in them for that long! It’s just certain things I’d rather have a different version of due to them being more practical especially considering I’ll be doing nights alone due to dps shifts so practicality in those times is quite important to me and certain things like setting up a nursery suitable from birth is to me a waste of her money as it’s not like baby can sleep in there first 6 months so putting anything in there theyd outgrow before then is a waste and I’m sure we’re already going to end up with enough unused items haha

@WitchDancer agreed I do need to broach it again with dp and be more firm with the two of them as it really will only get worse! He’s usually great at reigning her in when she gets overexcited over something but he can’t understand why I wouldn’t want the help when it’s not that I don’t want it I just don’t want to feel pushed out of planning for my own child when I already am still struggling to feel like it’s real and trust it’s not going to go wrong

She's had her babies, this one is YOURS!!

You need to tell DH to get his priorities straight.

congratulations and sorry to hear of your previous losses.

I think your dp needs to broach this with his mum, I personally would not be moving with her either as it could be even worse when the baby is here. At the end of the day, you’re not being unreasonable to want to plan for your own child and make your own arrangements. It’s a very exciting time and this is yours and your partners opportunity here. This isn’t her place to take over and if she would like to be involved then I’d ask your partner to let his mum know to give the offer of help if she wants to do so and wait to be taken up on it.

Trust me you are not the only one with overbearing parents/in laws but setting firm boundaries is very important and the earlier you do it the better, you are going through a vulnerable time and absolutely need the unconditional support from your partner. I’d also be wary of any other opportunity of taking over eg at the birth, immediately after the birth and start thinking about your boundaries for that too. You should not be left feeling that you are not involved in planning for your own child’s arrival x