Should we have a baby?

[batfink39]

Hello,
I'm 39 & in a long term relationship. I've always said that I don't want children & so my partner & I have never discussed it further. However, it's something that's been weighing on my mind as I'm getting older & I also have endo.

I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a baby/child. But I hate the idea of getting older & not having a family to spend time with. We have a dog who is our 'baby' but. Im starting to feel increasingly sad around Xmas time & when I see my friends & family spending time with their families & all we have is our little dog to spoil!

Does it sound like I actually want a baby? I just can't decide whether it's my biological clock ticking or if my conscious is trying to tell me something as I've never been 'broody' before?! I feel a little pang of jealousy when I see pregnancy announcements on FB etc.

Im just so worried that I might get to a much older age & seriously regret not having a family. Any thoughts?

Ps. My partner told me he wanted kids when we met about 20 years ago! However we have spoke about it since. I think he's quite happy one way or the other but I'm sure he wouldn't be quite shocked if I told him how I'm feeling. I also find it really hard to talk about for some reason. It makes me a bit embarrassed and anxious for some reason.

I think it would be worse to regret having one, than not having one, as it’s an 18 year commitment. And what if the child had special needs of some kind, it might completely change your life. It’s a very big decision.

It sounds like you do want a child. You might feel embarrassed/awkward because it can be hard to admit to ourselves (and even more so out loud) when we've changed our minds about something important. It must be especially daunting when time and having endo isn't on your side, because if you tell yourself you really want this and then it doesn't happen, it will hurt. Changing your mind is ok though, especially if you think your partner will be on board. Having a proper chat with him about your feelings and fears should help.

Wishing you the best of luck no matter what you decide and no matter what the outcome is.

That's actually a real worry for me. I'm so used to my life (& quite like it!) that I would really struggle mentally if I were to have a child who has complex needs which is obviously more of a risk due to my age. The point in we considering a baby is becomes I don't want to have regrets & I feel like I might if that were to happen. I'm sorry if that's offensive to anyone. It's just the way I feel. Having worked with xhildren & adults with complex needs I don't underestimate how difficult it can be

If you can't decide then don't. But if you decide in a few years you do want one it will be too late. Doesn't sound like you really do want a baby all the year round for the next 18 years.

To quote a line from Eat Pray Love- having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You kind of need to be fully committed.

I went through 5 years of IVF to have my son- I ACHED for a baby for years. And there were still days when he was tiny that I thought, hmmm was this actually a good idea though?!

The thing that got me through those times was knowing how much I really wanted him and couldn't have been happy in life without him. I think if I hadn't been 'all in' I would have really regretted it.

I'm not saying this is how you'll feel at all OP. You may have a baby and love it to bits and be so so happy. Just giving my perspective. Life decisions are tough sometimes aren't they...!

Good luck xx

My three year old wakes up twice in the night, still. Six year old wets the bed about once a week. They have different pick up times in different directions and although I'm lucky that they eat well, fruit and veg has to be prepped in a VERY SPECIFIC way or they won't touch it. This morning said six year old got very upset about the concept of death and I couldn't make it right without lying to him, which made me feel like a failure.

If this sounds magical and adorable, have a baby.

I don't regret it, by the way. I will miss this stage. My point is if this sounds like hell, don't bother.

Just going off previous comments saying it’s a 18 year commitment - I don’t agree with this, it’s a lifelong commitment. We don’t just switch off once a child is 18, yes the responsibility lessens but you still have to guide and nurture them for the rest of your life.
Ive recently had a baby and it is all consuming, I feel like I really missed my old life and being able to come and go as I please and you have to be willing to give your all to this tiny thing that relies on you for literally everything.
Have a think about what support you have close, I’m so lucky to have a good family network living close to me. What will this look like for you? What will it look like when you go back to work? Full time vs part time etc. Will this cause resentment? Is your partner the type to be really helpful or (like so many MN posts) will he be useless?

I agree it's not 18 years it's a lifelong commitment. We were on the fence and decided to try and if it happened great If not we wouldn't do anything about it. I'm now pregnant with my second and it's tough some days but it's amazing. Im a SAHM to a very firey almost 2 year old and honestly it's great. I didn't realise how amazing it would actually be.

Also at the beginning both me and my husband were like wtf have we done. The early stage is brutal! But it passes!

It does sound like you would like a child but I think you need to talk to your partner

It’s best to speak to your partner who knows you and see what he makes of it. Of course it might already be too late but you never no. And nobody can guarantee wether you will get a healthy baby or not. It sounds like you have a lot to think about.

I get that, not sure why but i always found it a bit awkward to talk about.

It sounds to me like you want a baby, honestly I don't know anyone who regrets having children but i think you might always wonder if you don't. Yes it's hard at times and it dies completely change your life, there are parts of my pre child life i miss but nothing compares to the love you feel for your child.

If you like your life don’t change it- having children is always brutal, financially, emotionally, practically. Christmas is a very small insignificant part of it.

Kate Lawler did a podcast called maybe baby, a similar situation to you, late 30's early 40's and never wanted kids and her husband did and I believe it covers a lot about making that decision and chats with other people who chose to and others that chose not to. It might be worth a listen.

She did go on to have a baby at 41, she has now also released a book, called maybe baby on the mother side which might be helpful to you.

I was similar to you, I've never been very maternal, always said I didn't want children, even now I wouldn't say I'm all over babies when my friends have them, however we did decide to start trying last year, I think it was after receiving some terrible health news of a close family member that it kind of put things a bit more in perspective, for me anyway, but now I definitely feel ready. We found it easy to conceive but unfortunately suffered a few miscarriages, but that as awful as it had been has emphasised that it is the right decision for us and I am now pregnant at the half way mark.

I'm mid 30s now, and I was also concerned about the additional risk that adds, we opted to do a private NIPT test at 11 weeks which tests for 3 of the common syndromes and ours came back low risk. It was definitely the best thing we did, with age alone it can skew nhs screening results and put you at high risk regardless of other factors so it massively reduced that stress and anxiety for us.

These replies are so helpful. Thank you all for your input :)

Surely this isn’t ALL you feel
towards your kids

I have like over 10 kids.... ok I have 14 kids. Yes all to one father. I personally have days where I struggle with the sheer load of being a mother. BUT on the whole I love it. Also I have had babies over the age of 39. My last pregnancy I was 41 and it was a great pregnancy. Keep healthy eat well and enjoy. You sound like you do want a baby. Just remember motherhood is not all easy and there are days you will feel overwhelmed and that is perfectly normal