My mum just died and I feel so alone

[grapeman2000]

Hello everyone,

Sorry for the miserable post from me today. I wonder if anyone has had a similar experience. My mum died three weeks ago and I am nearly 7 months pregnant with my first baby. Mum had bone cancer and died at home - I was there for 2weeks and went through the slow process with her; it was extremely traumatic, obviously, and I can't stop thinking about it.

I feel like I am being tortured with images and guilt and now that we have had the funeral on Friday, it's like nobody cares anymore. My partner has been working every day away from me until the middle of the night and now he's about to go away to America for a month and my brother has stopped answering my calls. I have to go back to work soon and I feel so scared and alone, especially at night.

I applied for counselling nearly 2 months ago and still don't have a place and I am living in a tiny flat that is completely unsuitable for a baby.

I just feel so alone and the fact that I can't call my mum to talk about everything is hurting me so much. I'm worried about the baby and the impact on her, but I am also starting to feel like I don't care about anything anymore. The only happy moments are when I feel her squirming around in there. Will I ever feel good again?

Thank you for any insights or advice Xxxxx

When my DM died and I was pregnant, I remember crying in bed and asking god to take my baby and give me back my mum. What an awful thing to think, but I was heartbroken.
Nothing to say other than I understand 💐

Oh OP I wish I had something more useful to say other than I am so, so very sorry. Sending you so much love

I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s so very hard. Do you have a health visitor that you can talk to. My own Mum had a nervous breakdown when I was pregnant and was never the same after treatment, I felt like I’d lost her as she was so looking forward to becoming a Nan. I broke down in a talk with my Health Visitor who was helpful and listened to me and she did keep an eye on me and I had a lot more contact with her throughout the pregnancy.

Yes, my mum died when I was 27 weeks. Very sudden, far too young.

Your baby will be ok. Mine is now 2.5yo and fit as a fiddle. Perfectly happy, normal kid despite me crying so much when they were young.

It is an awful thing to go through. Babies, sadly (as in this isn't their 'purpose' in the world), are a welcome distraction and do bring joy.
You have many tears ahead. Keep in contact with your MW and health visitor about their support. I stayed registered with MW for an extra week or two after birth and my HV gave me extra appointments and said I could weigh baby anytime.

You'll be OK in a flat for a while yet. The stuff takes up a lot of space but babies like to be close, especially before they are mobile.
When do you start maternity? Which country are you in? Waiting lists are so long!

Oh how very sad and what awful timing. I’m so sorry for the loss of your DM.

The feeling of being alone in your grief after all the condolences have been shared and the funeral held is awful. You feel like the shock and despair is barely beginning yet people just move on back to their daily routine seemingly without any clue of what you are going through.

Do you have anyone at all you can turn to? Sometimes friends can be better than family who are also bereaved (like your DB) and may not be able to support you as they process their own grief. can a friend stay with you for a night or two for example?

Maybe also look for support groups or use phone lines if there is a wait for counselling. Basically take support from wherever you can. Wonder if your workplace offers anything?

Take care and hope all goes well with the baby.

Hi op I'm so sorry about your mum. Just two practical things

1. Does the waiting list for counselling know you're pregnant and grieving? They should bump

You to top of the list if you can let them know. While you're in waiting list you can also call bereavement charities.

1. For small baby a flat is so much better. I stayed with my parents when my baby was born in their house and it's so hard going up and down stairs to the kitchen to get bottles and do laundry etc, carrying baby up and down stairs, before they're walking it's much better to be in a flat so you can pop baby in a Moses basket or the pram go sleep then potter about doing things.

I would also suggest keeping a diary now of everything you're feeling just for you - it really helps to get those feelings out on paper.

@DustyLee123 This chimes so strongly with me. I never thought I could feel like this cos I miscarried at Christmas last year and I wanted this baby so badly, but I feel like it’s all pointless without Mum here and want her back so much I’d do anything. I’m so sorry that you went through the same thing, and thank you for sharing your heart with me 💐💐

@monsteramunch thank you so much, this is exactly what I need right now 💞

@Mindymomo I am so sorry to hear about your mum and what you went through in your pregnancy - being robbed of the future you and your mum imagined is so hard. My mum lived for little children and babies, so I can’t stop thinking about how much she would have loved every last minute. I sent her a video of the baby kicking through my tummy yesterday and can’t believe she won’t see it still. I didn’t actually know about health visitors but have just looked it up and will ask my MW about it when I next see her. Thank you for this tip, hopefully i can get some support here. Sending love 💐

@ItsCrap Oh I’m so so sorry - that must have been the most horrendous shock. My mum was also far too young but she had been fighting cancer for 8 years. I still feel like it was a complete shock though and can’t believe all the things i never thought to do or tell her.
Thank you for the reassurance about your baby - were you able to bond with them okay when they were born? I have had quite bad depression in the past and am worried that I won’t be able to feel what I need to properly. I do believe that she will bring joy but i feel so bad at the moment that it feels like nothing will snap me out of it. Do you mind asking when things started to feel a little better for you? I know that everyone’s different but i’m scared of feeling like this forever.
That’s good about the flat too - I guess we do have a little time while she is still a little burrito! I haven’t negotiated maternity with my boss yet (argh!) so I’m not totally sure. My due date is 9th Dec. I’m in England and yes, waiting lists go on forever it seems!
Thank you for your lovely message 💞

I'm so sorry, OP. My mum died a couple of months ago, also of cancer. We have a 4yo and a 1yo. My husband's mum died 15 years ago so never got to meet me or our children.

It's fucking awful, and to lose your mum when pregnant is horrible, I really feel for you.

I don't want to say it gets easier, but it gets less stifling and stops taking your breath away as much. I know what you mean about the photos/videos. I used to send Mum photos/videos of the girls every day and now I take them and sometimes forget and go to send them to her and then remember. I talk to her aloud sometimes when I'm on my own as it makes me feel a bit more connected (probably makes me sound bonkers but I do find it oddly comforting).

Try to take comfort in the fact that your mum died with you beside her and knowing that you were about to embark on the most amazing and special journey of your life. I was with my mum when she died and for the first few weeks I kept getting intrusive thoughts and flashbacks about those final moments, but now I am starting to appreciate what a privilege it was to be with her as she passed and those visions of the last few hours are less frequent.

Definitely talk to MW about getting some support from the mental health team. I am not someone who asks for help generally, but I've made a real effort since Mum died to be honest with people and ask for help when I need it. You've gone through something horrible and you deserve all the support you can get.

Thinking of you

Thank you so much @LilyLemonade . I was really dreading the aftermath of the funeral and everyone going back to their lives and it is really how I imagined it would be. It’s so painful and feels so deliberate.
I have a few friends but I’m not great at reaching out/I find that i come home after having put a brave face on it all when I’m really crumbling inside. I agree about DB, he has been so strong but needs his space now - I think that he is processing in his own way.
That’s a good idea about the phone lines and support groups - and yes, I didn’t even think about asking at work. Thank you for this, so much

hi @Unexpectedlysinglemum thank you for your kind wishes.

1. They do know, yes. It has been really horrible tbh - I know they’re completely oversubscribed but they have cancelled my assessment 4times on the day and now it’s been longer than the wait time for the next stage too. The assessor also mentioned that the NHS don’t provide grief counselling, so I’m nervous that they are going to turn around and say they can’t do it argh. It's ridiculous, but it's playing into all my depressed feelings that nobody cares. I will definitely call some bereavement charities, thank you for this suggestion
2. Thanks also for putting the flat situation in perspective - she will be a little tiddler in a basket so not too much of a problem until she can move a little bit.
3. I keep trying to motivate myself to do the diary - think posting here is my starting point. Definitely think it will really help

Thanks so much for your advice 💞

I’m so sorry to hear about your recent loss of you mum @Clefable. It feels so incredibly cruel that she won’t share more of your children’s lives. I’m so sorry.
It’s really comforting to hear from you that things get less sharply painful when you are still so close to your loss. At the moment i just feel like i can’t cope with the intensity for much longer but I can see that it has mellowed slightly since the first days. It is those moments of forgetting that are the most painful - I spoke to Mum every day, always, and the compulsion is so strong. I have found myself calling ‘Mum’ when I’m alone and I think I will start to talk to her too a little way down the line. Bonkers we shall be.
It sounds like we have been through very similar experiences - I can’t tell you how comforting this is to me, to hear that you also suffered the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks (although I’m so sorry you went through it simultaneously!). I keep feeling like there’s something I can still do or some little moment that needs to be analysed, why on earth didn’t I say or do this etc., what did she mean when she said that, was she in pain, what was she thinking. It is so exhausting, I just want to switch off my brain and scrub it all out.
My MW has been really helpful and is seeing me more often now but yes, I find it hard to reach out to people I know, especially when i’m feeling depressed. I am going to try though because I don’t want things to get worse and I have a big challenge ahead.
Thank you so much for your kind words and wishing you every happiness - thinking of you too 💐

I have been through something quite similar. Just before I found out I was pregnant, my mum died after quite a short time of having cancer. She had been desperate for grandchildren so it all felt very hard Togo through without her. I think I was about 20 weeks pregnant when my dad was then diagnosed with terminal cancer. He died 3 weeks after my DS was born. It was an incredibly horrendous and stressful time. I felt totally out of control emotionally and overwhelmed with everything. My OH is not the best at dealing with things like this so he felt very absent. My brother doesn't handle emotions the same way so didn't feel I could really talk much to him about it. I also felt pretty alone. I managed to get some private counselling through my works healthcare scheme. To be honest there was not much it could do for me, I wasn't confused about why I was sad, I was just very, very sad about them dying so for me, talking about it didn't really make it any better, I just realised that it was going to be a time thing. I remember when mum died we had a pre booked holiday to goon just after the funeral. The holiday almost made it seem distant and that it hadn't really happened but in the way home it all hit at once and I felt like I had this insurmountable wall of grief to deal with and had no concept how I would get through it. I guess I have though. It's been 10 years since mum died now. I am still very sad about it. I could cry for how much I miss them on a daily basis and I do feel their loss sometimes when I'm wanting to talk to them about my children or about the way life has changed, how much more I understand about them as a result of being a parent.....but I promise you, you will still delight in your kids and love them. There will be bittersweet moments, but also moments where you see bits of your mum in your child and that's lovely. Also, for me at least, having my son so soon after mums death and then losing dad, the frantic days of a newborn took my mind off of the grief for a bit.

It's a one day at a time thing, you are in shock at the moment but bit by bit you will get through it, never over it but just getting through it. Life will be wonderful again and you will still miss her but you will have good times again. Just as she'd want you to. Take care of you. Xx

I'm so sorry your Mum's gone before your baby is born. It must be so hard for you. My Dad died before my youngest son was born and I wish I had a photo of them together. Instead what I did was to buy a double photo frame and put Dad's photo in one side and my youngest DS in the other side.

@grapeman2000 one thing I learned from MN was that it's normal to not instantly 'love' your baby. They are a stranger to you and I was certainly a deer in headlights! So please don't feel dispondant or any failure if this is you - it's normal for any new mum.

Bonding happened with time, I think it was at a normal level. I never felt distant at least.

I had similar to you, my DC was the first long awaited DGC and my mum loved children so much. I took comfort that mum knew baby was coming and there are so many things that mum gave me that LO now plays with. A bag, teddy, some cheap bracelets that stayed with me from teenage years... It would have warmed her to know that her DGC would play with them too.

It was tough seeing family and friends holding baby, I pictured DM so much. There's no getting around that, just part of the storm, but it wasn't half as bad as I expected it to be. 'expectation is worse than reality'.

DC knows grandad/Nain from photos and will know their love and humour. It's a cliché, but the do moments come.

@DustyLee123 I didn't ask god but I remember wanting the exact same

@grapeman2000 so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly 3 years ago when I was 35 weeks pregnant with my first. I have missed her every moment since and still cry most days. My heart will never not be broken and life will never be as good. I'm a realist. To live without someone you love and need is the worst part of life

@delphi13 out of all the posts I've read on MN yours really breaks my heart. So very sorry for what you've been handed x