Pregnancy at 38/9... not sure what to expect

[fallingintodeep]

Hi , firstly thanks for reading the following. Me and my hubby are both 38. We've been married nearly 5 years. We found each other a bit later in life and our work/careers have been priority so we can save up what we can. We plan to buy a house next year (finally have a decent deposit). We are from working class backgrounds but have been doing well career wise in our 30s which has made a huge difference to our life and opportunities so we feel utterly grateful and so blessed. I think for me especially, building up savings and financial independence has been really important and I guess why I am now choosing to have a baby at 38. Not sure how important it is for this thread, but we are happily married.

I am planning to get pregnant in early 2024. That's assuming everything goes all okay and we don't have fertility problems etc. We are hoping to have found/bought the house by late 2024... even saying this feels funny because I know sometimes life doesn't plan out the way you want. I guess these are our dreams for the future: a home and a family.

I'm a bit scared about pregnancy, birth and what to expect in the first year with a baby and family. I know everyone is different, but I just feel anxious.

I know i'm not old, 38 is far from it. But I feel anxious about getting pregnant at 38 and will be giving birth at 39 (my birthday is in June). We think we only want one child, but two max. Which means I'll be hoping to get pregnant for baby number 2 when I'm probably 40/41.

I just feel so unbelievably anxious but just don't know what to expect with my health and baby's health. Is it selfish of me to worry about that? I'm so anxious it means I won't be a good mother, and my husband has been so supportive saying it's just because we are entering a new phase in life and everything it out of our control.

I know I want a family 100%, but just feel like because I can't actually "see" what life will be like, it's making me anxious :(

Is this normal?

Hi there
I've felt similar, we are in our late 30s, met 7 years ago but took time to get our house, married etc. If it wasn't for 40 looming, I would put off kids for another good few years. So much I'd still like to do - even though really we've both travelled, partied, renovated, you name it!

We decided to start trying in 2021, had six months of trying before we got engaged and I decided I didn't want to be pregnant on our wedding day. Started trying again straight after and it's taken me another year to get pregnant. I'm 38, almost 39. We had fertility tests but there was no reason.

I would urge you to consider not leaving it any longer, it could take a while.

I had my third at 37 and felt the best I'd felt in any pregnancy (others at 29 & 30), I would happily have another next year without worrying about my age (I'm not having any more in reality because of finances/ space etc). I don't think you need to worry because of your age as long as you manage to conceive easily etc. That said, I would start sooner rather than later unless there are serious reasons that make that a bad idea. Good luck

Of course it's not selfish to worry - you are making a life-changing decision, it would be strange if you had no worries at all! I'm 37 and in the early stages of my first pregnancy - I was 36 before I decided that I definitely wanted to try for a baby, and I was totally consumed by worries, fears and indecision. I'm now comfortable I made the right choice, but I'm just starting to realise all of the things I don't know! I can't tell you much about the pregnancy journey as I'm only at the beginning of it, but I've already worked out that I have to set aside my normal control freak tendencies and accept that there are lots of unknowns and that I'll figure it out as I go along. Sounds like you have good support from your DH so lean on him to share the emotional/psychological load.

There's also a thread on the conception forum for people over 35 who are TTC - you might find some useful support and advice there too.

I had my first last year at 38 after years of trying and 3 years of ivf. Very straightforward pregnancy really. The only issue have had which might be age-related is pulling a muscle in my back when baby was about 6 months and that was treated quickly with painkillers

At mid-wife appointments they had a points system where they allocated points depending on what criteria you met that indicated risk of developing blood clots. I had a grand total of of 2 points - one for being over 35 and one for having an ivf pregnancy, which meant I was considered low risk. I would have been given one more point if I'd been over 40 and would still have been low-risk. This was the only time my age was ever mentioned. I live in an area where they see lots of pregnancies in 'older' women and ever time I brought my age up the midwives would kind of roll their eyes and tell me I wasn't old at all

Hi @fallingintodeep
Totally normal to feel like this xx
I met my husband at 40 yrs old and had my kids at 41 and 42 yrs old.
I had loads of things going through my mind but i just kept thinking of the end result and it kept me going. It'll be ok hun, all the best xx

I met my partner aged 35 et we started trying 20 months after our first date (I was 37 then). We had been living together for less than 6 months and were renting a 1-bedroom appartment (and I had been at my current job less than a year). I got pregnant easily (less than 3 months) but my pregnancy had been a bit complicated. I had all the symptoms in the book and was very tired throughout (not sure if it would have been different if I had gotten pregnant earlier). I had SCH in the first trimester which resulted in a 3 weeks bed rest, and GD diagnosed at 24 weeks; both of them more likely with a pregnancy over 35. It was awful, but in the end I the delivery was ok, no intervention; and my baby is now 7 months and very healthy and happy.

We started trying when I was 38 and it took 4 years and multiple miscarriages. However when I did carry to term that pregnancy was smooth sailing, I was fit and healthy for the whole 9 months and gave birth the week before my 43rd birthday. I would never encourage anyone to wait to conceive.

I am 42 and 19w pregnant with what will hopefully be my 1st child. I first got pregnant 13 months ago but had 2 MCs. I was lucky enough to get pregnant within 2 months of trying, all 3 times. In my best case scenario I'd be able to try for a 2nd child at 43 and give birth at 44. I'd be 55 when it would go to secondary school.

Your intended timeline assumes pregnant as soon as you try, live birth both times.

I didn't try sooner because I didn't meet the guy sooner!

If you want to wait 6 months until TTC then make best use of the time: recommend a fertility MOT for both of you, and that you do everything you can between now and then to get yourselves (both) in the best shape possible. And also do some of the big things you can't do once you've had kids.

The thing that struck me about your post was the clarity of timing. I hope you are lucky and it all works out but I started ttc at 34 and had my baby at 38 after lots of prodding and poking and four rounds of ivf. We were "unexplained" so a fertility mot wouldn't have signalled anything was wrong.

I had my only child at 45, so quite a bit older then you.

I was lucky and had a trouble free pregnancy, so problems & age are not necessarily linked.

My midwife said the only real difference she saw on a day to day basis is that labour in older ladies tends to be a bit slower, but not significantly so.

Just make sure you eat healthily, plenty of fresh air & exercise. Try to stay within a healthy BMI. Avoid nicotine & alcohol if you can. Remember your folic acid.

And then take it a day at a time. Good luck 🙂

I wouldn't wait one more day to try and get pregnant at your age. It's foolish to wait until next year.

I should have said, I am now 10 weeks pregnant and honestly I feel so well. I've managed a work trip abroad at 8 weeks - but hot but I was fine. I have barely had any nausea, nothing that couldn't be sorted out by eating or having a polo mint. I was sick yesterday for the first time, but that was because i took my vitamins on an empty stomach. Won't do that again! My BMI is 34 but I am healthy otherwise.

I was 38 and we conceived first month of really trying! I didn’t really expect it to happen quite that quickly!

Pregnancy was Absolutely fine and I have birth a week before my 39th birthday- so next year is the big 40 and 1st birthday 🥳

Honestly don’t think we would have been ready before now!!

Hi all, thank you so much. I read your responses and they’ve really had me thinking a lot. I think we could move trying for a baby earlier and it does feel like something we should do given that we don’t know if we’ll have fertility/conception problems. I'm not working atm, took a career break for a few months due to burnout, so I am was just thinking about maternity leave and pay too (I should have mentioned that in the thread, although my main concerns were all these growing anxieties about the future). But Thank you all for taking the time to share your experiences and wisdom. I have responded individually just because I had a couple of things to say and ask :)

@MrsScotland Thank you so much for sharing, especially as your life story sounds so similiar to us. Congratulations on your pregnancy and so great to hear it’s been going smoothly despite being sick yesterday (hope you’re better now!) we are wishing you the very best.

@bananafarmer I’m so happy to read you had a great pregnancy, that’s amazing. You’re right, when I look around, some people are in their late 30s / early 40s having their third child. I think all the “geriatric pregnancy” chatter has really struck me and I barely feel old, I still feel very young at 38 and feeling confident and more sure of myself and happier in my body and looks that comes with maturity, so to then read about “geriatric pregnancies” it just puts a downer on all the other stuff.

@CluelessInLondon Congratulations on your pregnancy and so happy to read you’re happy in your decision - it’s so important for me, the way you put it, to make a decision and go with it and figure it out as I go along. Thank you for making me feel less horrible as a person/future mother with all my anxieties.

@KatRee this is really great to know! I had no idea about the points system… you’ve already made me feel better. I’m hoping by keeping fit now and trying my best with eating well and pregnacare, I will be able to give my future pregnancies the best chance. I hope your back is much better now :)

@Summer2424 aww I’m so happy for you! You also sound just like my hubby who keeps saying the end result will be all that matters and worth it!

@Liveafr aww that sounds like such a difficult pregnancy and I’m so glad you go through in the end, I hope you and your child are doing well. Thank you for sharing .

@Pollywoddles I’m so sorry to read about your struggles over these past years. I am also so happy to read you gave birth and had a little one as an early birthday gift… that’s so beautiful! I hope you and your family are doing well. I am definitely starting to think about bringing the trying for a baby forward now. Thank you for sharing.

@Whataretheodds congratulations! I am sending prayers and best wishes and positive thoughts to you. It sounds like you’ve had a difficult few years and I thank you so much for sharing and recommending a fertility MOT. I haven’t heard of this before - is It something I can get on the NHS or is it through private care. What is it that they check and look for? And can you recommend where we might go for this as I think you’re right, we could use some of the time to double check ourselves. Thank you again.

@eurochick you are so right, I have been reading how for many people there is just no explanation for not getting pregnant, I have accepted this might be the case for us too, which would make me sad. Congratulations on your child, and I hope you and your family are doing well.

@MintJulia congratulations! Thank you so much for sharing, your comment actually meant a lot to me and I’m so happy it all went well for you. May I ask how you were feeling throughout the pregnancy? You sound very calm in your post and I imagine you are the type who takes it one day at a time… I wish I could be more like this, and you’re right, I should practice this into my day from now on :)

@Aquamarine1029 thank you for sharing - may I ask about your experiences?

@JollyHostess101 congratulations!! I am really hoping to have the same or similar story. Wishing you a wonderful rest of pregnancy, delivery and birthday ahead :) I also feel the same - there’s nothing much we can do and can’t go back in the past, but having a baby before now wouldn’t have been a good time for us especially financially. I’m really hoping the rest of 2023 and 2024 will be better for us all.

What a lovely reply! Glad this post has given you some food for thought. It's such a decision isn't it - especially because you have just no way of knowing whether it will take one month or one year!

Came to say the same! I got pregnant very quickly at 36 and 38 (currently 28 weeks pregnant with the second) but I had 2 miscarriages in between and I know lots of people who’ve taken years and needed IVF. Hopefully it will be easy OP but I’d get going immediately if I were you. Good luck!

I wouldn't panic but I would immediately have both of you do a fertility MOT (about £600 total) to check there aren't any obvious issues. I'd then start as soon as you reasonably can and take it pretty seriously, period tracking, ovulation sticks etc. If you've had no luck, go to a doctor (NHS you've got to try for 12 months but if you can afford it just skip it and go to a private clinic after 9 months as every month counts at this age).