Confused about my pregnancy

[Abee89]

Hello, I’m not sure if anyone here will be able to help me but I’m guessing I just wanted to see if anyone found themselves in a similar position and their outcome. And thank you to anyone that manages to get through all this and I don’t mean to offend anyone.

I always thought I wanted to be a mum in my early 20s all my cousins had babies and I used to offer to be the designated baby sitter rather than go out with them. It was much more my preference to stay and look after the babies than go out. Also in my early 20s I got pregnant and found out 6 weeks after I’d split with my then partner. I ended up having an abortion (sorry to anyone who this offends). I did it for a few reasons I was just starting a law degree, I didn’t really have any money, my mum did sort of pressure me into it and my partner I had split with was very possessive. A few months after the termination I went into depression, I had never even heard of depression at the time. Ever since then I have sort of distanced myself from babies and pregnant people but still in the back of my mind I always wanted kids.

fast forward to my early 30s I was told I probably would not have kids myself naturally. I would cry over it. When me and my partner would have unprotected sex and I’d get my period I’d cry again blamed myself and thought it was my karma for getting a termination.

now at 34 I found out I was pregnant. 3 days prior to this I found out my partner was having an affair. Even with the pain I was going through from the affair my initial reaction to the test was happy and completely shocked. The father was less than happy which also shocked me because we’d talked about having kids but I think he wanted to be with the other woman so he started telling me to get an abortion and hoped I have a miscarriage.

a few weeks into finding out I started suffering really bad anxiety and I think depression. At first I was worrying I was going to loose the baby checking every time I wiped after peeing.

now I’m not sure what’s happened since but everyday has just gotten worse all I keep thinking about is what a horrible mum I’ll be. I do not really feel any bond to the baby I’ve started questioning if I really want a baby and Googling things like what if I don’t love my baby when it’s born. I can no longer picture myself being a mum. I’ve become terrified by the whole thing - the pregnancy, giving birth, having a baby, being a terrible mum. So much so I have contacted a termination clinic for advice (once again I am so sorry, I do understand how incredibly lucky I am to be pregnant, I was someone who was told I couldn’t be and I hate that I feel this way).

I also started suffering HG to where I’ve been feeling nausea all day and throwing up anywhere from 2-7 times a day - I’m not sure if this is contributing to how I feel. Although it hasn’t been nice throwing up all day it’s been a breeze compared to how I feel.

i have tried to speak to my gp and hospital about how I feel and asked to be referred to the perinatal mental health team with zero luck, I have tried reaching out to private counsellors but been told they are at full capacity.

I can’t help but feel the way I feel isn’t right at all. I would hate to bring a child into this world and not love it.

im so confused if what I’m feeling is a result of antenatal depression/ anxiety or if this is actually how I feel and I shouldn’t be a mum.

if anyone can shed any similar stories I’d be so grateful although also hoping no one has had to go through this

Hey! I’m so sorry you’re going through this without the support of your (lovely) partner.
Honestly I had so much fear when I got pregnant and my relationship was far from easy. I felt all of the things you’re feeling. It’s totally normal. The hormones first off make you feel so vulnerable and all over the place. My baby is now nearly one and I love them with all my heart and wouldn’t swap my life for anyone’s in the world.

Firstly I’m so sorry you are going through this. I imagine a lot of what you are feeling is to do with the betrayal you are feeling from your partner. Checking everything you go to the toilet is very normal. I’m still doing it and I’m 33 weeks pregnant with my third baby.

I would recommend staying away from google, it is not a friend to pregnant women and makes anxiety worse.

It’s also very normal to worry about being a good enough parent. You are going through a lot of emotions. Allow yourself time to process everything. How far along are you? Early pregnancy is a really anxious time for most people, some people don’t feel a connection until seeing the scan, feeling movement and for some it can take until baby being born and even then sometimes a little bit longer to feel bonded with their baby. There is nothing wrong with any of it.

Block out everyone else and just focus on doing the right thing for yourself

hey,

I read your post and I cried. It is horrible what sort of people you had on your way.
Your mum preassuring you to abortion- I can imagine how horrible that was for a 20-year-old!
and now, your partner... I am so sorry. Just a worthless person. Get rid of him ASAP
I can imagine your anxiety is there because of what you experienced in your life. When it comes to 'love and bond' for the bump It will come with time. You and your head need to be in the right place first.
You can look into private counseling, speak to someone about it, and then decide if you want the baby. It's completely OK if you decide to go with the termination but what I think is that you won't and you will give all your love to that little one :)

You wanted to be a mum. Baby is wanted. It's just the dad who disappointed you. But you will be okay without him. And I'm sure you will meet a person who will treat you with deserved respect.

Depression is a horrible thing- I am dealing with it myself 25 weeks pregnant :) Different reasons, but I had similar worries to yours.
All I can say is you need to find a specialist to talk to. It's the only way to think straight. Remember... You have a reason now. It's not your crappy partner, not your mum or ex-boyfriend. It's your baby you always wanted :)

STAY STRONG I'm sure it will be okay. If you need someone to talk to I'm here :)

I‘m so sorry to hear what you’re going through! I think it is pregnancy hormones, they multiply anxieties. There’s no reason at all to think that you wouldn’t be a good mum or couldn’t love the child! A friend of mine had an experience that may be similar to yours: she always wanted a baby but when she got pregnant she suddenly felt that she made a terrible mistake. She didn’t feel any bond with the baby and only didn’t abort because she wasn’t comfortable with abortion. But she secretly hoped for a miscarriage. As soon as the baby was there, she immediately fell in love and is more happy than ever before now.
Of course you need to do what’s right for you, but it sounds like you would love to have a child and it’s hormones playing tricks on you! Be assured that these thoughts and anxieties are totally normal and people who feel like this end up being very happy with their babies! Wishing you all the best 🌸

Oh and honestly I didn’t feel a bond with my baby until the day they were born. I was afraid and wigged out by the pregnancy and all the fuss around it. Didn’t feel like me. I wasn’t like some of the overjoyed Instagram mums we’re “supposed” to be like. But the moment I held the baby I my arms the love hit me and it continued to grow. Now I’m officially in love with my child, they’re the joy of my life! Big hug. Your thoughts sound SO normal

I am so sorry you are going through this. A termination is never an easy decision, but sometimes it is the right decision. Please do not feel guilty for having had or having those thoughts. Slimey partner aside, you have been trying to become a mother for some time now. You have been trying because you know that you will be a great mother and want a child of your own. Unfortunately you are now having a really tough time for various reasons... 1) Your partner is a pig which in itself is a huge turmoil. 2) You are suffering HG, which lots of people cannot cope with and end the pregnancy for this reason, or don't have any children after because it is such a tough sickness. 3) Pregnancy hormones are absolutely crazy and sadness and despair are a symptom. Not everyone has a happy pregnancy.

Only you can truly decide what you want, but if I were you I would try to think back to every time you cried when you got your period and remember how much you longed for a baby. It will get better, and you will be a fantastic mother. Also, think about the future, how will you handle childcare etc.

I don’t have any advice. But a lot of your post is so similar to my history so I wanted to say I understand.
I am now married and in a good relationship and pregnant with a much wanted baby. But I am still feeling lots of the things you are feeling. I am full of anxiety that something will go wrong and I will be punished for previous choices (I have also suffered a miscarriage prior to this pregnancy which felt like punishment), and I have those feelings that I will not be a good mum and don’t deserve this baby.

I have a been to my gp and asked to be prescribed anti-depressants again as I stopped them prior to conceiving, and luckily I have been referred to perinatal midwife team for my anxiety as it is taking over my life.

I am sorry that you are feeling like this. We are lead to believe that pregnancy is a happy time in a woman’s life, it’s not always the case and certainly isn’t for me right now. Keep pushing with your GP and don’t google things!

You've got a lot of things going on. I had HG and I had a termination as well the grief that followed was really bad. I tried having another baby three months later and conceived. Although I'm really happy with the baby I've got postnatal anxiety. What I'd say is follow your heart. Also get help with the anxiety, I wish I did when I had the termination. Although the termination was the right choice I don't think I'd ever get over it or have gone. Having another baby has helped but I do sometimes think what if. Also think about whether u can do it alone ( having baby and looking after them). I'm sorry your partner isn't great. U can get help with the hg from the doctors.

wow I wasn’t expecting many replies or so soon! Thank you so much I am just reading through them now

OP - you’re going through a lot so it’s no wonder you’re feeling the way you are. I would really push your GP/midwife for a referral to the peri mental health team.

I didn’t have HG, just a lot of nausea (and the occasional vomiting) and I honestly can’t fathom how much of a toll it must take on your body. Have you been prescribed anything for it? I can almost guarantee that having HG will contribute to your mental health at the moment - the physical toll on your body will affect your mental toll.

I saw a quote the other day “if you’re worrying about being a good mum, you already are one”. I wasn’t ever sure I wanted children, I’m not super maternal and pretty selfish. They turn your world upside down but honestly it’s amazing (I still don’t particularly like other peoples children - just my own).

As to you partner - he can fuck right off. Don’t even factor him into any decisions - this is you, your body, your choice.

Hi @Bunny2021 i have just got off the phone to the hospital again to try and push to see the mental health team they said there’s nothing they can do to help me they are dealing with women with schizophrenia and suicidal. When you weren’t sure if you wanted children how did you know or feel that you were doing the right thing by going ahead with pregnancy?

Hi @Sofiatheworst have you started on the antidepressants yet? Are they helping at all?

Hi @Jonia thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I have read stories similar to your friends during my Google searches that have made me feel more and ease but then I get this worry that what if that doesn’t happen to me when the baby is born and I don’t get that feeling of love I feel like it’s such a risk to take on a poor baby that didn’t ask to be here. I wish I was just one of these happy connected pregnant people!

Hi @PickledScrump thank you for your reply. I think I was apprehensive about not mentioning how far I am in my original post as I feel guilty over it. I am 14 weeks. When I first started feeling this way I think it was about 6 weeks and I convinced myself it was hormones then I got the hg and wanted to believe it was that. I had my 12 week scan and it was hoping it would snap me into feeling over joyed but I don’t think I felt much which scares me a lot even the fact I’m considering termination at this stage just makes me feel it’s a sure sign I’ll be a terrible parent 😢 I just wish I could establish if the way I’m feeling and all the anxieties are down to perinatal depression/anxiety or if it’s just actually how I feel

Hi @Chestnutlover thank you for replying! As you didn’t feel a bond with your baby during pregnancy what made you so sure to continue (completely understand if it’s that you are against termination). It’s just I think one of the things that worries me the most, the fact I don’t really feel any bond to the pregnancy, that what if it never comes and I get so scared to risk bringing a child into this world on the chance that I hope it might happen when they are born x

@Abee89 i haven’t yet as I’ve only just gone to the drs this week. But it’s a relief knowing I can take them as soon as I’ve picked them up, and that someone is listening. I’m sorry you’re not getting the response you need from health professionals.

Sorry I've not read all the posts but have you tried speaking to ur doctor? Get an emergency appointment and ask for medication. You sound depressed. I felt like that too. I had hg too. But since you're 14 weeks it will get better.

I'm taking antidepressants for my post natal anxiety. I did for depression too in my first pregnancy. They helped massively.

Hi @heartbroken22 thank you for replying, I think that’s what I am struggling with is this depression or just the way I feel and I’m not sure how to figure it out. I have relentlessly asked my gp and the hospital to assess me, I even called them again this morning but they told me I’d have to wait 2 weeks for an app. Can I ask when you had depression in your pregnancy did it make you question if you wanted the pregnancy?

I had hyperemesis (hg) and it was so bad I didn't want to live. Terminated one pregnancy due to it and then got pregnant again 3 months later as I couldn't bear the grief. Had hg again but dealt with it. I couldn't live a normal life until week I'm not sure maybe 14? It got better but was still there think it ended at week 20...I just did a count down like come only 4 more weeks till week 18 then 2 more weeks till 20 (second scan time).

Hi all I need some advice as to what I should do as my head is baffled.

So my last period was the 16th septemer had this period but in October I should have been on my period and it did not come however I did pregnancy tests that come back positive. But today I went for a scan as they had reckoned i should be 6-7 weeks the scans I had were externally and internally but they could not see anything so had to have a blood test but am not so happy on the outcome as they have said my hcg level was at 2 and then went on to tell me I had miscarried but I have had no symptoms of this even happening. I am so confused is there any nurses or anyone that can help me