Surprise pregnancy at 40

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N400 · 06/09/2023 14:08

I can't offer specific advice but I'm in a similar boat and have been recently. I found out in March I was pregnant and already had ds10 and ds7. We've been adamant no more. My husband said he'd support but that it's not ideally financially in a cost of living crisis and needing a new car and everything going from 2 to 3 entails. I spoke to BPAS and booked an appnt to terminate. On the day, I got tablets but cried and couldn't bring myself to take them. We decided to keep it but the following weeks I was an emotional wreck. One second excited thinking about how excited my children would be and having a baby all over again and taking things slower etc. Then I'd have horrendous anxiety that I would resent it, that my husband would, that we'd end up divorced, I'd be ruining my children's lives etc so on so forth. I panicked everytime I seen my husband sigh when I mentioned anything to do with the new baby on the way and I worried again about our relationship even though he was supportive. I saw the HB at 8 weeks. Unfortunately at 12 week scan it had gone, it was a missed miscarriage and I had to have surgery. The next few months were hell as I had retained tissue etc.
With all that happening, I was and still am so glad I never went through the termination personally. I was distraught and traumatised by everything that ended up happening. I've not stopped thinking about a 3rd child ever since. Part of me has all the same worries I had, the other part just longs for what was taken. Who knows if I will go on to have another. It's terrifying but I think I would have regretted it and wondered what if. That might be because I lost without a choice though! I see my children ask for a baby brother or sister now, or the way the play with my friends 1/2 year olds etc and it hurts.
I'm not sure if this helps or not xx but it is terrifying and you're not alone ♥️

Ps. The BPaS route takes a couple of weeks anyway. You could ring them for the consultation and book in for whatever option then you have both options available and ready? You don't want to wait another 3 or 4 weeks to decide to terminate but then realise you have to wait a further 4 weeks after that for an appointment ♥️

Siestamama · 06/09/2023 14:42

Ok, I can see if the pregnancy is unexpected or planned that is a giant curveball to your plans, but what do you mean by ‘at my age’? I’m pregnant with my first baby at 38 and I couldn’t be happier, feel slight tired but nothing insane. I’m two years younger than you are??

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2023 14:44

JupiterNumber1 · 06/09/2023 09:36

Hi
I just found out that I'm pregnant again at 40! I already have children that are 18 and 11 and wasn't expecting or planning on starting again, especially not at my age. The problem I have now is that I don't know what to do. My husband has been very open that he doesn't want another baby but will support me whatever I choose to do, but I don't know what I want to do. I just feel shocked and scared at the moment.
Anyone else in the same situation can offer advice?

Thanks

If you contact an abortion provider they can give you free counselling to help you make your mind up- try Marie stopes

Original poster

JupiterNumber1 · 06/09/2023 14:52

Siestamama · 06/09/2023 14:42

Ok, I can see if the pregnancy is unexpected or planned that is a giant curveball to your plans, but what do you mean by ‘at my age’? I’m pregnant with my first baby at 38 and I couldn’t be happier, feel slight tired but nothing insane. I’m two years younger than you are??

I meant that at 40 I believed I would have already had the children I was going to have and that I would be looking forward to my kids becoming adults and leading their own lives. I was much younger when my others were born

Congratulations on your expected arrival!

OP posts:

Original poster

JupiterNumber1 · 06/09/2023 14:54

N400 · 06/09/2023 14:08

I can't offer specific advice but I'm in a similar boat and have been recently. I found out in March I was pregnant and already had ds10 and ds7. We've been adamant no more. My husband said he'd support but that it's not ideally financially in a cost of living crisis and needing a new car and everything going from 2 to 3 entails. I spoke to BPAS and booked an appnt to terminate. On the day, I got tablets but cried and couldn't bring myself to take them. We decided to keep it but the following weeks I was an emotional wreck. One second excited thinking about how excited my children would be and having a baby all over again and taking things slower etc. Then I'd have horrendous anxiety that I would resent it, that my husband would, that we'd end up divorced, I'd be ruining my children's lives etc so on so forth. I panicked everytime I seen my husband sigh when I mentioned anything to do with the new baby on the way and I worried again about our relationship even though he was supportive. I saw the HB at 8 weeks. Unfortunately at 12 week scan it had gone, it was a missed miscarriage and I had to have surgery. The next few months were hell as I had retained tissue etc.
With all that happening, I was and still am so glad I never went through the termination personally. I was distraught and traumatised by everything that ended up happening. I've not stopped thinking about a 3rd child ever since. Part of me has all the same worries I had, the other part just longs for what was taken. Who knows if I will go on to have another. It's terrifying but I think I would have regretted it and wondered what if. That might be because I lost without a choice though! I see my children ask for a baby brother or sister now, or the way the play with my friends 1/2 year olds etc and it hurts.
I'm not sure if this helps or not xx but it is terrifying and you're not alone ♥️

Ps. The BPaS route takes a couple of weeks anyway. You could ring them for the consultation and book in for whatever option then you have both options available and ready? You don't want to wait another 3 or 4 weeks to decide to terminate but then realise you have to wait a further 4 weeks after that for an appointment ♥️

Edited

Thank you for sharing your experience, I'm so sorry you went through that ❤️

OP posts:

MrsScotland · 06/09/2023 14:55

I was almost 12 when my parents had my sister - much wanted but they had secondary infertility. When she was tiny we were very close but I moved away to uni when she was 4 and now as adults we are not close at all. I have a few friends/family with age gaps and I'll be honest, it's really hard keeping everyone happy. I wouldn't want it for myself.

Letmeoutnow · 06/09/2023 15:00

I had my first at 40 and a second a few years later and I wouldn’t recommend it.

You’ve had your children. You will age massively over the next 10 years, and even more after that. I’m fairly fit and it’s still exhausting. Ageing is no joke.

Your late 40s and 50s is a brilliant time to start a new phase of life just got you. I would do that if I were you. Don’t throw that away.

MariaVT65 · 06/09/2023 15:04

No one will judge you whatever you do, please make the right decision for you.

I am currently pregnant with my 2nd at 35 and we’ve agreed that will be it. We categorically agreed that whatever happens, we wouldn’t have another one, due to finances, lack of support, age gap and also yes, age. My parents and in laws all had health issues in their 50s and I’m glad we didn’t have that age of parents looking after us when we were still at school.

schoolless · 06/09/2023 15:30

Give yourself a little bit of time. As other posters' experience shows, miscarriage is sadly much more common by 40 than at the age at which you had your other children. I had none before 40 and have had three early miscarriages since then.

But of course you shouldn't plan on miscarrying; and it may be that as the pregnancy continues to develop you start to feel more attached with it. I think you should also make an appointment to speak to your GP who could offer information about options, and maybe about counselling.

How is your financial situation?

Original poster

JupiterNumber1 · 06/09/2023 16:10

schoolless · 06/09/2023 15:30

Give yourself a little bit of time. As other posters' experience shows, miscarriage is sadly much more common by 40 than at the age at which you had your other children. I had none before 40 and have had three early miscarriages since then.

But of course you shouldn't plan on miscarrying; and it may be that as the pregnancy continues to develop you start to feel more attached with it. I think you should also make an appointment to speak to your GP who could offer information about options, and maybe about counselling.

How is your financial situation?

Financially we are pretty stable, but I have just started a new job which is quite physical and can involve risk of injury. I have made an appointment with the GP so I can discuss it and hopefully make a decision. 🤞

OP posts:

Siestamama · 06/09/2023 18:22

Thankyou :) Yes that is a difficult situation