Mixed emotions since finding out I’m pregnant

[CQ18]

Hi everyone, just seeking some comfort on here.

Me and my partner of 5 years decided to start trying for a baby as it’s what we have wanted for a while now. Everyone around us told us that it “takes longer than you expect”. It only took us 2 months to conceive and I know that’s a real blessing, my heart truly goes out to those who struggle with TTC and I want to be mindful of that. But if I’m being honest since finding out I’ve had complete mixed emotions - mostly ones of regret and anxiety and general freaking out. I don’t have a relationship with my mum (estranged) so I’m wondering if this has anything to do with my feelings of indifference. I know this is what I want and my family are all really pleased for us. I’m 7 weeks now and suffering badly with exhaustion, nausea. To top it all off I’m dreading telling work. 1 year into a ‘new’ job and doing really well in my career, it feels like I can’t be both a good mum and good at my career. I don’t have anyone to guide me or tell me if these feelings are normal. Maybe it is prenatal depression.

Sorry for the ramblings, can anyone relate to this?? Will it improve??

thanks - CQ18 x

I think all of your feelings are completely to be expected. It's one thing planning or dreaming of something, but when faced with the reality of it, it's completely natural to feel a bit of shock, wonder, apprehension, emotional, combined with that you have physical symptoms making you tired and a bit sick, along with changing hormones.

You say you don't have a relationship with your mum, but have other family. If there anyone else in the family you can chat to and explain how you feel? What about friends? Neighbours? Perhaps your GP can direct you to some local groups?

As for work, you are a year in, you are established in the role and doing well. That's a solid foundation. Don't worry about telling them when the time is right. You absolutely can be a good mum and have a good career, plenty of people manage it. Just as valid, other people choose to do one or the other. There's no judgement or competition, you just live your life however you want to.

It took me a year to get pregnant and even I now have feelings of panic that I'm going to lose myself and all my freedom, second guessing I've done the right thing. I'd say this is normal, especially when the nausea and fatigue takes hold. It's exhausting and you feel like a shell of yourself. But I believe it will pass and be worth it in the end.

I spent in the first week in a state of shock (planned pregnancy) and took lots of long walks to process the enormity of it. I then spent the next week finding my partner a completely annoying dick. Once these feelings passed, the nausea kicked in. It's perfectly normal and you'll be fine. My children are now 9 and 11 and my partner is back in my good books.

As above, I think these feelings are usual. Some people don't feel like this and the shock of the first year of parenting is huge, so consider yourself in a good position!

This is a bit of an aside, but if your relationship with your Mum isn't great, consider therapy at some point (if you haven't already). DH had emotionally written off his parents and was fine accepting them as they were, more or less, until we had kids and it brought everything into a fine focus. He realised how much he had missed out on as a child and would get incredibly angry from time to time. He had never really dealt with his childhood, just written it off. It wasn't abusive by any means, but far from ideal. Becoming a parent makes you reassess those relationships and that can be difficult.

Thanks so much @TaigaSno for your kind words. I'm really hoping these feelings pass as the first trimester does.

As for speaking to other people, I do find it hard to talk to other members of family about it. I've spoken to my partner and he has been supportive but he's also excited and I don't want to ruin that for him. I could speak to the GP or a midwife about it. None of my friends have had children yet and are busy with their own lives to worry about mine...

Thank you for the reassurance around my career and job - you're right it is my life and I should live it how I want to. Just got to get over the fear of disappointing people!

@RiderofRohan I'm so relieved to hear you say that. Obviously I hope you are doing ok yourself, too. I feel like I'm not cut out for being a mum if I feel like this so early! I'm so used to seeing social media awash with excitement and happy tears and I just thought I'd experience the same thing but so far it's been mostly fear and anxiety. Hope you find some peace soon

I think it’s normal and I do wish we had more references for the shock and fear that often comes with pregnancy. Both of mine were unplanned and I thought that I would feel some happiness eventually - but so much of my thoughts were consumed by “ruining my life” and “career” and “balancing it all”.

The first time I was only 19 but had a great support system and climbed up the career ladder. It just takes a lot of planning. Use your maternity leave to heal and bond with your baby and use this side of it to put things into place.

Im 13 weeks now and in my early 30s and feel the same as I did as a teen! The first trimester was brutal - cried many times; thought I’d lost myself. Couldn’t stay awake! But have so much energy now. They say you will have a “nesting” period where you are preparing for the baby and have a sudden burst of energy.

Be kind to yourself. I had to remind myself that I’m making a human and my body is working hard and I cannot be everything all at once. Lean on your OH during this time - as annoying as I found mine it was important that I was honest and vocal and asked for help.

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I completely understand your feelings all I wanted was to get pregnant and so did my husband, it took 9 months to conceive and when we did I was in pure shock and disbelief and I felt like I was being so ungrateful. I am due in 4 weeks now and although those feelings have gone I still have a fleeting moment of shock. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel this way. If you can try to talk to someone about it I chose to talk to my husband and that really helped x