Unexpected pregnancy at a terrible time

[Totalutteridiot]

Found out I'm pregnant yesterday. I already have 2 children, ages 6 and 2.

For context, I had my copper coil taken out right at the start of August because my periods had become absolutely unbearable with it. Ideally I wanted to wait until I could have it replaced with a Mirena to see if that was a better option but, as coil clinics weren't running at my surgery at the time, I just had it out and was taking the pill until they resumed in mid-September and I could have a Mirena fitted.

Well, that worked out well for me... I feel like an absolute f*ing idiot because I'm pretty sure it happened right at the end of that wait period before the pill becomes effective. I had forgotten (half asleep) until we were part way through the deed. DH admits he remembered but thought we'd get away with it if he didn't do a certain thing... So here we are. I'm in my thirties, you'd genuinely think I'd know better by now. I know I'll probably get flamed for this but no one could be more pissed off or frustrated at me than I am with myself.

Anyway, I've run through all of the emotions since - I've cried more than I can remember crying in a long time. DH has always been adamant he only wanted 2 children and, when we discussed it together since finding out, he's reiterated that and said he just can't do it all again. Our relationship has been pretty rocky for a few months for various reasons and I honestly don't know if we'd survive another pregnancy, but I also don't know if we'd survive an abortion either.

I know it's not the right time to have another baby at all, when things are strained between us. I just feel like a stupid little girl and I'm really conflicted. I don't know what I'm asking for here but I just feel so upset and alone. And I feel like I can't tell anyone in real life about it.

Oh also I'm a long-time member here but have name changed as I have a few real-life friends who know my usual username.

First of all dont beat yourself up anymore. What's done is done, now is the time to look after yourself and let go of the recriminations.

In terms of what should you do, I'm afraid no one can answer that without knowing you. Do let loved ones know, they will want to help and will be able to offer personalised advice. If you really dont want to do that is it possible to have even a couple of sessions of therapy.

Either way the road will be hard and there will be lots of what ifs and if onlys so treat yourself with kindness.

This isn’t meant to be harsh
From experience, only go ahead if you think you could do this as a solo parent/co-parent: it IS doable
Do you have family support, enough income to pay for lots of childcare etc

Not harsh at all @Blueberrystraw - sadly the answer is no, not really. I'd only just started working again recently and it was on a very small part-time basis. I can't even begin to imagine where I'd find the money for those things on my own with 3 kids 😞

Thank you @Flightorflounder x

Relationship aside- what do YOU want to happen? I know you said you can’t imagine where you’d get money alone for three. But your husband would be providing still regardless of your relationship status. And in fact I was better off as a single mum than when I got married to a FT employed Accountant initially! So don’t let finances be the reason you make your decision about whether to proceed with this pregnancy.

How it all came about is honestly not worth going over- here is the situation now, what to do next is the only thing worthy of time and effort at the moment. Not the blame game…

Youre not the first and won’t be the last…

Ok, if you search pregnancy options and your area then you will see where the local clinics are, call tomorrow and find out how to get an appointment, then they will talk it through with you; that’s what their specialist counselling is for, to help you decide

I wouldn't be having the baby personally and I did have an abortion when I got pregnant with a flaky boyfriend. I never regretted it, I already had one child and knew if I had two I would not be able to support them both on my own.
You need to think very carefully through your options and get some counselling.

This is my thought process @Gettingbysomehow - I just don't think I'd be able to support 3 kids on my own. It all feels really sad. DH is very adamant that we can't do it so I know the reality is that I'd probably have to be prepared to do it solo if at all. I'm just not but it's still heartbreaking and not a position I wanted to find myself in. I'm trying not to be angry with him about it, it's just wasted energy. But I'm struggling with the enormity of it and the grief I feel.

Thank you @fourelementary, this is something to think about. I find it hard to imagine DH and I surviving either way at this point to be honest - if we keep the pregnancy, I think we'll split up. If we don't, I think we'll still probably split up because of the turmoil it will cause. It's all awful. And I feel most gutted for my 2 kids - I've been trying to keep this all going for them for months. I feel such shame that this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back and throws a grenade into their lives 💔

i know your husband says he cant go through the parenting again but is a parent to your current children and hopefully would be the same 3rd time round. some of this will be the shock for both of you. and whilst says he is done with 2 kids in terms of not planning a 3rd, not having the 3rd is a different kettle of fish. my personal experience a few months ago was i listened to much to my husband not feeling able to do it again (despite never having bothered to get a vasectomy) and focused too much on the practical. making a pros and cons list and thinking about challenging cons can be useful- not to make you keep it but to get things down on paper. talk to a counsellor- there are charities out there as well as through the termination service. don't rush- i rushed my decision and didnt speak to anyone as just wanted a decision made and struggled so much after. it is a hard choice but its thinking about which one you can live with most. many people come out of their termination fine, some don't- feel youve taking the time to make the decision YOU can most cope with. also think about you as a person- i cut myself off from me and despite someone who constantly regrets my decision thought would walk out fine! many people do but think about your personality type. message any time- i regret not seeking advice before mine. its a tough situation to be in and one you dont think you will face when have your own kids x