Anyone else feeling like this?

[summerfruit28]

Hi.
This is my 5th pregnancy following a missed miscarriage earlier this year, which has just made me a paranoid bag of nerves. I have 3
kids; youngest just turned 12(!) so quite a big gap. I was 23 when I had him, I’m now 35. I don’t know if it’s the MMC or the fact I’m older and more aware of the risks and complications of being pregnant in my mid 30s, but I’m finding this pregnancy tricky. I spend a lot of time convincing myself I will have another MMC, that I will go for a scan to be told again there is no heartbeat. I haven’t dared tell anyone I’m pregnant, including my kids as I couldn’t bear the heartache it may cause if it’s another sad ending. In my head I’m thinking I’ll keep it quiet til I can’t possibly hide it under my clothes anymore, sometime after 20weeks. I’m not really showing much either, which isn’t helping my morbid thoughts and worries. I’m 16 weeks and I’m sure with my other pregnancies I had a definite bump by now! Yeah my jeans are tighter and my belly more sticky outy, but I just look bloated/overweight currently. It’s all flab anyway, after 3 babies and years dieting and then already being a stone overweight when I conceived, my stomach was already not in great shape, with excess skin and a layer of chub that I never managed to shift. I don’t look pregnant, I can’t feel baby move (I know it’s too early), I just feel fat and frumpy. I hate to say it but I almost don’t feel pregnant. I think the MMC has sort of made me go into denial and I’ve just kind of put this pregnancy into a little box which I’ll open when I’m as sure as I can be that everything will be ok. I’ve had 4 private scans since I was 8 weeks for reassurance, and one at the hospital when I was convinced something was wrong, plus the 12 week one, but the doubt and worry creeps in within days that something isn’t right. I really just want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy as it will be my last, and look to the future but I’m so worried I’ll jinx it. Like in my head, if I don’t allow myself to be excited about it then it won’t hurt as much if it goes wrong. Self preservation maybe. As the weeks go by I’m waiting for a bump to emerge, or to feel some flutters (I know this may be a while away yet!) but until then I feel like I’m in limbo. 4/5 weeks till my 20 week scan and I’ll be having another private one before then because I’m obviously hysterical and convinced something awful will happen before then 🙄
Please tell me I’m not the only one feeling like this x

Sorry to hear about your mmc earlier this year. I had one in March and I am pregnant again, albeit only 8 weeks. I had a scan at 6 weeks at epu as my anxiety was through the roof and the midwife asked if I wanted a reassurance scan. Seen the baby and a heartbeat so booked in a private scan for 2 weeks time which is tomorrow. I'm a nervous wrack and just have constant thoughts that the heartbeat has already stopped and I'm going to go to this scan tomorrow to be told bad news. My symtpoms were pretty much on and off until Friday night just there. Since then had no symtpoms at all and just really struggling. It's so hard trying to stay positive and it's all I constantly think of.

Sorry about your MMC. I have had 2 MMCs (both between 10-11 weeks) and the second pregnancy was awful. I had an early scan at 7+4 which showed it likely wouldn't end well, so I was prepared and just waiting for it to end really, not ideal! If I get pregnant again I know I'll be a wreck. Try not to let the mid 30s thing worry you too much, the risks are only slightly higher than late 20s. They don't start to go up properly until late 30s and into 40s.

It's definitely totally normal to be anxious in pregnancy after loss. You are past the most risky stage now, try to keep you mind busy and not thinking about the worries as much as you can (hard to do I know). x

Sorry for your loss. Unfortunately post miscarriage anxiety is horrific. I have had 4 losses previously across a few years, and no living children. I am currently 12w pregnant and I cannot get excited. My DH is very excited and we actually argue over this because I live in constant fear. I'm hoping that when u can start to feel movements that I might ease up a bit but I'll probably overanalyse every movement instead. I just wanted to write and let you know that what you are feeling is 100% normal right now.

@Jb2189 I feel like you just start to question everything. Am I feeling less sick? Are my boobs are sore as last week? Etc etc. my sickness is mostly over, i get headaches a lot this last couple of weeks which I’m assuming are pregnancy related but at 16 weeks there’s not much I can do apart from shell out for another private scan or wait til 20 weeks… even going to for another scan causes a ton of stress because I’m then thinking what if there’s no heartbeat. The shock and disappointment i felt back
in January laid there with my fella on the chair next to me with nothing on the big screen, and the embarrassment that came with it has stayed with me. I felt such a let down. I’ve got everything crossed for you. I was told when it happened to me that I would be veeeerrry unlucky for it to happen again. That’s what I’m clinging onto atm. They also say an early scan around 6/7 weeks showing a heartbeat carries a significantly lesser risk of miscarriage. I know it’s hard to be comforted or reassured. Hugs to you xx

@moosey89 bless you. Two MMCs. I was told it would be very unlucky to to have it happen again two in a row, so surely you’ve had your share of bad luck. I know what you mean tho. When you are having it confirmed that it’s a MMC you just think I’m never putting myself through this again, or I did anyway. I felt like a failure and that my body had just been so cruel in failing me and then carrying on with no indication anything was wrong. As grateful as I am that so far things are looking good, I’m aware MMC can happen in the 2nd trimester, so the worry is always there and the feeling I had when I went for that first scan in January to be told no heartbeat is as fresh as it was on the day. I wish you all the luck going forward. xx

Hi op

You've pretty much described how I felt to a tee. I spent so long after my mc thinking about getting pregnant again that I didn't put any thought into how I'd feel once I was pregnant. It's been brutal!

I'm 3rd trimester now and can feel myself relaxing a bit now I'm feeling regular movement, but this is my first pregnancy that I haven't enjoyed and I feel quite sad about that.

I had some counselling and what sticks in y mind was that we always know that these things happen, but once it happens to you that naïvety (sp?) that makes you think you'll probably be fine has essentially been taken from you.

@BudgetBuster four losses is unimaginable, I’m not surprised at all you’re feeling much the same. I thought if I made it to 12 weeks I’d calm down but two weeks later I found myself having another scan. I’m trying to pluck up the courage to have another but worried about looking OTT and also it will mean preparing myself in advance in case it’s bad news. Every scan I’m thinking this is it, this is where my luck runs out. Very morbid I know. My OH gets why I’m worried but I think like yours isn’t overly worried himself. He’s looking on the bright side. I guess they’ll never understand how it feels to have your body let you down so badly, or at least that’s how I felt. I almost felt ashamed and embarrassed which he couldn’t grasp because in his practical man brain he’s thinking “it was just bad luck”. Have you had any investigations into your losses? I agree it’s so hard to be excited. I want to look forward to feeling it move but like you I’ll just notice every time it doesn’t move. I want to look forward to the 20 week scan but if it’s anything like my 12 week one I’ll just lay there tensed up not daring to look at the screen too much. I really hope you get
your happy ending despite it all being so stressful xx

Thanks @summerfruit28 - I know what you mean about feeling like your body is failing you. I do a lot of strength and fitness, and to have something you have so little control over go wrong twice was really hard to stomach as I'm happy to work super hard in life for things I want, but this is something I really want and yet I can't control it!
I guess the other reassurance you can take is that you know your body can do it - you have 3 healthy children as proof 🤗hope your worries subside a bit soon. Big hugs xx