Should I wait to TTC DC2 or go for it now?

[Givemepickles]

My DS is 11 months. DH and I definitely want at least one more DC. The issue is that I am 38 and feel like we need to start trying soon and we agreed to try next month. But I hate the thought of being pregnant again! I had a good pregnancy first time but still had the usual issues, morning sickness, severe back ache in third trimester, swelling etc. I put on a lot of weight and am only just getting back into shape now. I have stopped breastfeeding and finally feel myself again and have my energy back.

I conceived quickly first time, in the first month. But I've seen women with secondary infertility and obviously I'm a bit older now too. I am nervous if I wait longer and then don't get pregnant or have multiple miscarriages I'll regret not trying now at this age.

Anyway I'm writing this because I suddenly realised this could be my last month not being pregnant and instead of feeling excited I felt dread and I feel so bad that that's how I feel.

Any thoughts on how I can decide what to do?

It’s a tough one, In an ideal world you could leave it maybe five years but if it didn’t happen how would you feel?

I was 29 when I had my first, started trying for a second at 33 but had secondary infertility and just now had our second at 38 after IVF…in my situation it’s worked out ok but it felt dicey for a few years and the pain of the thought of never having another was all consuming. But I felt like you at the thought of a second which is why we left it four years to start trying!

Sorry to hear about your struggle to conceive. Your experience is exactly my concern - second time around there's no guarantee it'll be as easy as first time.

If I waited and then didn't conceive I think I'd always wonder what if I'd gone for it now? But then I come back to worrying about how hard it'll be to look after a toddler whilst pregnant and then with a newborn. But I guess people do it and make it work?

Its really hard. I'm 38 also and have an 18 month old. I'm four months pregnant, and it has been tough being pregnant with a toddler and work etc. I feel like I've been more exhausted and sick in this pregnancy too, and it might be because of less downtime with a toddler.

Having said that, I wanted to get pregnant, and I wanted a small age gap, so I was excited to start trying. It happened quite quickly after stopping breastfeeding (2-3 months). If I felt like I wasn't ready I would probably have played it month by month. But I understand what you mean about the pressure because of age, and not wanting to leave it ages.

I had a small gap which I have always found good because after that that part of my life was over. I certainly didn't dread being pregnant again though. I did go off breastfeeding quite quickly in dc2s pregnancy.

I'm in your position but am 39 so do feel real pressure to get a move on. I adore my DD and love the thought of another but the reality seems really hard, just thinking about day to day and factoring a newborn in to our already manic lives seems impossible.

Buttttt I think sometimes you just have to dive right in? I think the chances of regret are very low once baby has arrived, despite how tough it might be.

I think if you're dreading the thought of pregnancy then you're not ready to try.

TTC is a complete set of unknowns. It could take you one cycle or 12, it could be a really easy ride or a really hard one. You can't really plan for those unknowns, you can only make a decision whether right now you want to be pregnant again and it sounds like you don't.

Your feelings could change really quickly and you might even find when your DS reaches the 1 year milestone that you get pangs of wanting a little baby again. Or you might not. But personally I would listen to what your heart is telling you right now and give your body a bit longer to rest and revisit this conversation with DH in another few months.

I kind of feel the same. I'm younger, but it took us us 4 years to concieve number 1 so I don't want to waste any time really. I have a 13 month old and we said we'd start trying to conceive again in September, but now September is nearly here, I am having a wobble. I'm not too bothered about actually being pregnant, it's the idea of going back to the lack of sleep etc when baby number 1 has only just started sleeping through most nights. I think we'll go for it, and hopefully we'll concieve quickly. I keep telling myself the first year with DC1 went to fast that the newborn bit that I found so hard will be done with again before we know it.

You could consider not having a second child at all. That's OK too.

I really agree with sugar plum.

For what it's worth, I got pregnant at 39 straight away.

I'm also really really glad I waited for a three year age gap. It's so much easier when the older one is a bit more independent.

@A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 congrats on your pregnancy! I also want a small age gap but logically know that means going through the short term struggle of pregnancy and newborn months for long term having 2 dc close together.

@Winnipeggy yes, totally agree with all you've said and I do keep thinking I just need to dive in. But then I get nervous that once I'm pregnant then the free time I do get now will be gone because I'll be feeling sick. Maybe I need to focus on the positives more?

@sugarplum33 this has given me lots to think about. I already do miss my DS as a newborn (though adore him as he is now of course) and I have loved the first year. But I guess I keep imagining second DC being more stressful and me being spread thin so I'm not feeling the same excitement. Perhaps that's a blocker for me too.

@BruinBear96 yes so similar to me! Now that September is round the corner I feel so anxious. Do you think you will go for it?

@OrangeySnicket I don't really know much about toddlers so not sure how much easier it is with a 3 year old than 2 year old. What sort of things could DC do at 3 that they need you for at 2? Did you still have to carry them much during pregnancy?

I've got a 4 year old and wanted about a 3 year gap as had a tricky pregnancy and DD was very tricky from 1-3, it's just stating to get easier now. So we waited but have now be trying for over a year for no 2, and I'm only 32. So it's a tricky one. If you feel dread about being pregnant then maybe wait a few months, but fully appreciate you worrying about time not being on your side. It's just impossible to know - you could fall pregnant first cycle again!

@Givemepickles yeah, I'm almost sure we'll go for it. It took so long to conceive number 1 I'd kick myself if we waited then it didn't happen. However I had a really bad birth with my first, and still have some issues relating to that now. Though I have some pelvic physio coming up that I hope will improve things enough that I don't have any issues second time round.

@Givemepickles having read your update and some of the other people's comments, maybe take the next 2-3 months off and reassess. If you've only recently stopped breastfeeding, it wouldn't hurt to get your hormones more normalised and to start taking all of the vitamins you need for preconception. Healthy eating and exercise etc. I actually was a bit depleted in vitamins despite taking a good breastfeeding multi vitamin - I know what you mean about feeling stronger when you stop.