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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Baby timing

13 replies

Elliemay96 · 12/08/2023 21:19

I've recently found out I am pregnant unexpectedly, me and my boyfriend are currently living with parents while saving for a mortgage and will have the money by next February but could be looking earlier and get the process going. I think the baby would be due mid april so it isn't guaranteed we will be in and settled by then. He thinks we shouldn't go through with it as he wants to have a mortgage and be in a completely stable place before considering it.

As much as i totally agree in an ideal world of course that would be the best option but it has happened now and I don't see the situation as awful enough to have a termination. My mum has offered a lot of help, saying she if there a couple of months gap I can stay here and she will stay out more at her partner's house, or she can be there to help. I can't accept the fact that a couple of months where things may not be 'perfect' is enough to give up my baby, especially as we may be in a house in time and then I can't imagine the guilt and grief i could experience.

We would be looking at a ground floor flat ideally as with the interest rates and maternity pay I'd rather have somewhere less costly for a couple of years rather than struggle, so that's another aspect to consider as a house would be more ideal than a flat and how much would I struggle with a baby in a flat.

He said if this happened in a year's time he would say let's do it but I can't get my head around how a year's difference can mean making that decision that ultimately I don't want to do.

If anyone has any advice, personal experience, or opinions i'd be really grateful as I want to do what's best but it is such a huge decision that I don't want to take lightly.

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ES1986 · 12/08/2023 21:40

If you don’t want to terminate the pregnancy, don’t. Don’t let someone make you do something you’ll regret for a very, very long time, just because the timing isn’t great. Is there ever an ideal time to have a baby? I’m not convinced there aren’t hurdles to overcome at any point in life.

I obviously don’t know how old you are, or your medical history, but you can’t presume that you would get pregnant again so easily.

The decision has to be yours. Your mum sounds very supportive which is great. Just be prepared in case boyfriend doesn’t want to stick around long term.

PickledScrump · 12/08/2023 22:00

The words “my baby” was enough to know that you already know what you want to do. It sounds like you want to keep it and the problem is telling your partner. If that is the case you should just sit him down and say that it may not be “perfect” but that you are going to keep the baby and that you will be able to work around it. It sounds like you have great support from your mum which is fantastic, just make sure you don’t let anyone force you into something you don’t want to do

SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2023 22:37

As soon as I got to "my baby", you can't have an abortion. You're already thinking of it as a child not just a pregnancy or a clump of cells.

I'd ask him directly what happens of you decide you can't and won't abort. Find out exactly where you stand.

You'll be fine in a flat with a baby. Plenty of people do it. Ground floor is obviously better re pram etc.

New babies can cost what you can afford. There's no need for everything to be new and cost £££

allgoodthings84 · 12/08/2023 22:46

Nothing in your post suggests you want a termination. You clearly want to keep this baby and if it’s what you want then you should keep your baby. There is nothing wrong with a termination if that’s what you want. It’s sounds like you’ve got your mums support so do what’s best for you

TeddyBeans · 12/08/2023 22:58

We live in a second floor flat (no lift) with 5yo DS and 5mo DD. It's absolutely doable - you manage with whatever you have. When DS was born we lived at my parents for 10 months before moving to a GFF. If you can get a GFF then absolutely do it, finding somewhere to put our pushchair where it's not going to get mouldy is a big issue at the moment for us (it currently lives in the garage but I worry about the winter). Keep the baby, it sounds like you've already decided this is what you want to do. People move at all points of pregnancy and with newborns, you definitely can too

ASGIRC · 12/08/2023 23:13

Why is a flat more of a struggle than a house, when it comes to the baby?
I live in a GFF and am now pregnant with my first baby, and I have zero plans on moving (ever)! The flat is big enough, and it being ground floor means I dont have to contend with stairs, so its perfect!

You dont want to have an abortion, so dont. Sure, in an ideal world youd be all settled, but the world isnt ideal, and newborns dont take up a lot of space, and dont even need their own room.
Youll be fine! tell your boyfriend it will be fine! good luck!

Original poster

Elliemay96 · 12/08/2023 23:19

I just always here people say it’s not ideal to have a flat with kids as no garden and smaller but yes totally agree with it all being on one level! I’m happy to work with what we’ve got but it’s just getting him on board so hopefully all works out, thank you :)

OP posts:

missmae · 12/08/2023 23:20

I totally understand how you must be feeling. I’ve been in a very similar situation. All I can say is there’s never a “perfect” nor “right” time to these things. Life is full of surprises and is never straight forward. I understand your partners view on wanting to be settled first but it’s honestly doable whether you’re settled or not. Its possible to make it work.
You sound like you already know deep down what you want, I feel you should stick with it. A couple of months will not make a difference.
I sadly ended up terminating my baby that I wanted very much but was pressured and being told I was ruining my ex’s life if I continued. I was already suffering with hg (severe morning sickness) so it was already stressful for me. But all I know is it was the worst decision I have ever made in my life and the regret and grief is unreal and like nothing I have ever experienced before. If you know deep in your heart you want your baby, then please go ahead with it. It’s not worth the heartache. Sending you hugs

ASGIRC · 12/08/2023 23:25

Elliemay96 · 12/08/2023 23:19

Thats a very british thing to think...
I have never EVER had a garden. Where Im from, people live in flats, unless they are either very rich (and then they have a villa) or very rural (where flats dont really exist)

If you dont have a garden, you go to the park. Youll go to the park anyway, to get out of the house. It is fine! You dont need a house to have kids in, much less when they are tiny babies!!!

MotherOfShihTzus · 12/08/2023 23:36

There's never a perfect time for these things, and there are always reasons to delay. As someone who tried to conceive for 4 years, and needed IVF, I would just think about the fact that's it's not always easy to conceive when the 'time seems right'. It can be so tough to imagine so much change, and it's positive that your partner wants those steady foundations, but as others have said, if it's something you want then not progressing could cause regret and resentment. And if you were still with parents - those extra sets of hands would be amazing! It may just take a bit of time for your partner to come around to things, but the apprehension is understandable. Also I have a small garden - much prefer the park 😂 our 16 month only wants to go in and out of the doorway - over and over again 😂

totallyaddictedtocheese · 13/08/2023 00:01

I was in a very similar situation this time last year. Baby was born a few weeks before we were able to move in to our new house so we were living at my parents for a while. It definitely wasn't easy to look after a newborn in my tiny, childhood bedroom but it was so nice to have my parents there to help. We have lived in our house for a year now and it all seems like a distant memory.

Loulai · 13/08/2023 10:48

I was in a similar situation, we moved into our house which needed extensive renovation and I fell pregnant by accident. My partner felt that the timing was terrible (it was), but I knew I wanted to keep my baby. Once he’d had the chance to get used to the idea he was fine and is now really excited/on board. I don’t think there’s ever really a ‘perfect’ time to have a child, there’ll always be something. Go with your heart and don’t let anyone bully you into making a decision you’re not 100% comfortable with.

Hankthehonk · 13/08/2023 17:25

When I was pregnant with my daughter, covid happened. My husband's career disappeared overnight and the purchase of the house we'd bought fell through - so we had to remain in the 3rd floor flat (no lift, no garden) we were in.
Before the pandemic hit we had everything planned out, I'm basically trying to say even when you think you're ready life can throw you curveballs and you just have to deal with them. I was devastated to have my daughter in the flat at first as it wasn't what I'd pictured and our financial circumstances changed so much it was scary. But we were very happy there for a year as a family then we were able to buy a house later.
Sounds like you have supportive family, income, and you'll have somewhere nice to live. Most importantly you'll love your baby. That's more than enough. It's clear from your post you don't want to terminate, so good luck talking everything through with your partner.

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