New baby & MIL problems

[greybear123]

Hey guys

First of all, I’m new to Mumsnet so excuse me if I’m doing it wrong! I’m looking for some advice on how to deal with my MIL and DH family. Get comfortable as this is a long one!

We have always got along well, but as soon she found out I was pregnant she became obsessed .. not with me but with my pregnancy. We told her about the pregnancy fairly early on and asked that the news was kept private due to other close family not yet being told. However, she proceeded to tell everyone - friends, work colleagues, etc. As a result, I had to tell other members of my family (who weren’t yet aware of the pregnancy) earlier than I was comfortable with, due to the fear of them finding out from someone else. This was where the issues started.

Throughout the pregnancy, MIL, SIL and MIL’s mother bought excessive amounts of clothing for the baby without checking if this was appropriate or what we actually needed. I was told ‘just get the boring bits like baby grows and vests’. This was my first pregnancy and first baby girl! From a young age, I was so excited to buy outfits for my little baby. Of course, their purchases didn’t stop me from making my own but it seemed silly to buy more when we already had so much and wardrobe space was limited. This made me feel pushed aside, even though it was my pregnancy to enjoy. From such an early stage, I felt as though DH family wanted to relive playing ‘mum’ but to my baby. MIL also bought a crib for her own house (we do not live with her) assuming that my baby would be having sleepovers with her. She also suggested it wouldn’t be used much as it would be likely the baby would be in bed with her! This is the point, I first raised the issue with DH. I communicated that it was unlikely LO would be sleeping over anywhere until she was much older and if she was staying with MIL, it would be in her crib and NOT her bed.

DH family did ask for a list of things I would need to buy for the baby and said that they would like to put some money together to help us out financially. This was greatly appreciated, however they excluded me from being part of this shopping and did it themselves. In hindsight, I would have loved to have be involved in choosing these things for my baby, whether that be shopping with them or using the kind contributions for me and DH to do this together, as mum and dad. The intention was for these items to be ‘gifted’ at the baby shower. DH family assured me they would plan the baby shower however it was never organised. Towards the end of my pregnancy they suggested we could do a last minute baby shower when I would be 38 weeks pregnant. I politely declined as 1) I knew my baby would be early (and she was) and 2) I wouldn’t enjoy it with all the lovely aches, pains and lack of sleep which come with being heavily pregnant. Truthfully, I felt disheartened that they were willing to put so much effort in for my unborn baby but not for the mother of that baby.

During the pregnancy, I was clear to both DH and his family that I would like some time to settle in as a family before we have visitors. When LO was born, SIL showed up at the hospital and on the day we were discharged MIL and SIL decided to clean the house and conveniently waited until we were home before they left. Of course they wanted to stay and hold the baby, right as I had got home from a 40 hour birth.. I was mortified, in front of my eyes my boundaries were being stomped all over. Later that evening FIL invited himself round for 5/6 hours. It hadn’t even been 24 hours since I’d given birth, I was tired, I was bleeding, I was in disposable underwear, my boobs leaking, I was hurting, my hormones all over the place. All I could think was why was everyone being so selfish and why didn’t they respect my wishes? I just wanted to be in my little bubble. The next day DH Grandma invited herself over and DH informed me she would be coming round. I said no as we had only just got home and our first day was taken over by his family. Luckily I made this decision as on our second day back home, we were sent back to hospital with the baby for just over a week. Our only full day back home had been completely taken over by his family to satisfy their own personal needs, with absolutely no consideration towards how the mother of that child was feeling. During our stay in hospital they continued to invite themselves and I was guilt tripped into letting them go up and see the baby despite her being so vulnerable and a few days old.

As soon as we were discharged, DH family persisted. Multiple times a week they would make excuses to come over to our house, whether they were magically in the area or needed to drop something irrelevant to our house. This happened on one of our first days home after the hospital stay. MIL asked to drop something round and ended up coming on our first family walk (which should have been just the 3 of us) and stayed for 3 hours wanting to hold the baby. In the end, I asked DH to speak to his family and let them know that we would organise to see them at times that would be appropriate for our family. This resulted in MIL complaining that she had barley seen my 4 week old baby, despite the fact she’d seen her 5/6 times! SIL tried to help set boundaries by asking MIL to give us some space to which she responded ‘if MY son says I can see MY granddaughter, then that’s ok with me’. Both of these comments really upset me, as despite not long giving birth, I was making a conscious effort to see DH family weekly and it was never enough. Her comments also suggested that my stance on visits didn’t matter, even though I was still very early in the postpartum trenches. This resulted in a number of text messages exchanged with MIL where she patronised me by telling me ‘from my experience, when there is a new baby people go to visit them’ and also said she had assumed she would see LO at least twice a week (bear in mind she was only 4 weeks at this point). Personally I think this is excessive given she works full time, as does DH and I’m on maternity leave spending time bonding with my baby and planned to get her on a schedule going forwards.

The following weeks and months have been difficult. I’m navigating life as a new parent and with that comes difficult conversations when DH family are doing the ‘wrong’ things with my baby. For example picking her up when she’s sleeping and waking her up, over stimulating her when it’s time for a nap, not respecting my baby’s schedule, inviting other people to MY house whilst babysitting, offering other people to hold, feed and change the baby when me and DH take LO for visits, the list goes on. When DH has communicated these things with his family, they act differently with me, ignore me, cry to DH and say they don’t know how to act. I just don’t know what to do anymore as I feel uncomfortable being around them and my baby being around them as I’m seen as the villain when I politely reinforce boundaries.

The latest is MIL has communicated she want to be a full time nanny for my baby and suggested me and DH should go out more so that she can do this. I am mortified by this prospect for multiple reasons. 1) she is aware I am in the process of setting up my own business so that I can spend more time with my baby, not less. 2) there have been issues in the past when I’ve communicated how I want LO to be looked after.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like MIL is taking over my life and I just want space to adapt to being a family of 3 and to bond without the pressures of DH demanding family!!

What the hell does your DH think he's playing at?! He KNOWS full well what his mother is like. HE should be standing between you and her - and the rest of his boundary-trampling relatives - being firm and ensuring that you and your baby have the space you need. He's failing you both.

If he won't/can't step up, then I guess you'll have to be a lot blunter and more assertive on your own behalf. Don't worry about being rude or upsetting them - DH can field any of that nonsense. Point out to him that if he'd stepped up to manage his own family and stop them from suffocating you, you wouldn't have had to assert your boundaries so frankly.

You need to divorce yourself from any notion of having to appease these people, because they aren't reasonable and they won't respect you for it. Decide where and what your boundaries are, and enforce them ruthlessly. If they don't like it and get upset/aggressive - that's DH's problem. Invest in your boundaries NOW, because it's gonna be a long 18 years if you don't!

You need to stop relying on your DH to speak for you. Yes, it’s his parents but they are doing this to YOU, and YOU are upset by it.

There is no way you can establish your boundaries without upsetting them. Accept this and everything else will flow. It’s a big thing to accept, if you’re used to not upsetting people (who is?!) but it’s part of being a parent. It’s a lesson you learn quite early on that your priorities have changed. The child comes first.

And in your shoes that how I phrased it. Such and such is not in the best interests of the child. Period. I’m many many years out of all this now but reading about your MIL lifting the baby up when she’s asleep, riling her up before naptimes - oh that brought it right back! It’s the height of selfishness.

So, I suggest you set boundaries firmly and clearly. This and that will not be happening because it’s not in baby’s best interests. This is how we do things in our home because of our work patterns. We’ll be doing this because baby will be going to nursery eventually and we want the transition to be smooth.

With some MILs it never ends. Like I said, I’m well out of it now but every Christmas is STILL a battlefield with MIL expecting to have all her grandchildren every year and every pout and sulk imaginable if I dare suggest we want Christmas at home or (god forbid!) with my family.

Start as you mean to go on. That’s difficult with your first because you don’t know what lies ahead probably. But firm, compassionate, focus on priorities rather than personalities, and don’t rely on your DH for anything (because really what you’re asking him to do is reject his mother’s overwhelming love. It’s different for you, she’s not your mother, she doesn’t understand you and you can’t be Frank with her.)

100% agree with pp. your DH should be putting an immediate stop to this. Boundaries should have been set up before baby was born and reiterated afterwards. If he’s too spineless to stand up for his wife and daughter then you need to. Let them cry and whine but don’t fall for their manipulative tactics. Stand firm and go low contact if necessary. This time is so important to you and your baby and they’ve taken so much already.

You have a massive husband problem, and if you don't start asserting yourself, and if he doesn't pull his head out of his arse, you will be headed for a divorce. I am not being flippant. Your resentment and anger over him choosing his dreadful mother over you will destroy your marriage.

It's time to get really, really tough and stop being a doormat. Tell all of them exactly how things are going to be, and don't give a single fuck how they feel about it.

You will probably get lots of comments (as most of these posts do on here) saying it’s her grandchild and she should be allowed to see her, it was nice she makes an effort and bought gifts etc.

I have been in this situation though, fortunately mine lost interest as soon as the baby hit 2 months old but I am still mentally scarred from that period when it was otherwise lovely. Even before the baby was born I started to feel like they were treating me as some sort of vessel for growing ‘their’ grandchild. When baby arrived my husband made it clear we’d let them know after we got home when we’d be up to visits but it would be a few days at least. They continually pestered us and sent texts multiple times per day asking for pictures, when at this point in time we were just in survival mode and I was barely able to stand up or keep my eyes open let alone repeatedly send someone pictures (obviously we sent some now and again but it was constant).

My husband ended up having to say that I was still too unwell, when they wouldn’t stop asking when they could visit, and they replied as if it was a joke saying they weren’t coming to see me 😳 At this point I really wish I’d stood up for myself and said don’t come then! But no, let them walk all over the top of me and in they came. They stayed for over 4 hours, kissed the baby’s face and I wasn’t able to get a hold of my own baby the entire time to even be able to feed them. I cried after they left as I just felt so trampled all over. They couldn’t have cared less about the fact I was sitting there in agony and desperately needed my bed. My MIL had brought a big digital camera and continually took photos the full visit. My husband agreed when they were away that it wouldn’t happen again and it was far too much. They persisted with the daily texts looking for pictures and did the exact same overly long visit a few days after the first one. It was genuinely unbearable and I felt so trapped. As time went on they started coming and just lifting baby out the Moses basket when id asked them not to, they’d answer me back anytime I politely asked if they wouldn’t do something and just completely disregarded any (perfectly reasonable) boundaries I tried to put in place.

Years later I still feel really quite traumatised by the whole experience. If it was my own family it would never have happened because I would have snapped right at the start and never allowed half of it but because my husband was so easy going about it, it just all kept on happening.

I think the quote about the person giving up their control is the person not realising how much they have or something is very relevant. It’s your house. There is a lock on the front door and your husband should say that there are set visits and they must be prearranged. If they try to come outwith these times just keep the door locked and don’t answer. I think you just need to be ridiculously blunt and strict with people like this. It is physically impossible for people to trample over your boundaries if you put them in place extremely clearly and pull them up over each one that’s crossed. I’m also planning to start doing this myself! All you can do is really try to be in control of things so that they aren’t able to escalate and don’t be tempted to go along with things you don’t want, even if you think it’s just one minor issue

You need to stop relying on your DH to speak for you. Yes, it’s his parents but they are doing this to YOU, and YOU are upset by it.

I agree with this. You need to establish your boundaries. Stop expecting or waiting for your DH to stick up for you. Stop giving your in laws so much power! Take it back.

Firstly, I am so sorry that your boundaries as a new parent are not being respected.

to a much lesser extent I’ve had a similar experience with my MIL and was reduced to tears by her actions several times in the early weeks postpartum.

I had a very firm conversation with my partner that while his family are important, his immediate family were now me and our baby and we have to be a UNIT. What this means for us is that where a boundary is set, we discuss it, and agree on it and we both are firm with our respective families. Where he was saying things like “I’ll ask mammybird about X or Y”, like it was my sole decision (and I was the barrier) he needed to rephrase as “We will let you know”…….as in he needed to outwardly be on my side and not hers.

that doesn’t mean we don’t disagree, we just do it behind closed doors to prevent others getting involved in our decision making as parents.

the first few months are so difficult and you’ll find boundaries you didn’t expect to have but remember you are making decision that are best for your family and allow that to give you confidence to stand up for them 💕

Tell them to fuck off to the far side of fuck. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for letting that nonsense happen to you.

Your DH is going to do precisely.nothing.

So you need to hit the nuclear button and just let rip. get it all out tell them all to back off and then set your boundaries up and yell everytime its overstepped.

I did this and itwas abit rough for a month or two but panned out quite well for me. My mil has a lot more respect for my boundaries and the rules of engagement. My dh is also on the same page as me now

Practically your DD is still young re:clothing.
If you like it use it if not... I would put the outfit on either: when thry visit or just baby take some snaps in the play room, a few in the living room one in the garden then get the outfit in vinted and sell it.
When questioned sadly it was destroyed by a poonami. Every time.

Give away / sell everything you dont want. I regifted and donated left right and centre. My mil now buys from the amazon gift list or we go out shopping together and pick outfits. The penny has dropped these items survive a lot longer.

I agree with pps. You need to make it very clear to your husband to sort it out and if he doesn't you do it yourself. Don't let anybody walk over you. X

op i feel so sorry on you. i work in an operating theatre in maternity and i hear this happening so often, like woman literally happy to get to theatre for a section just to get away from dh mum in the delivery room.
stick to your guns. as pp said, just don't answer the door. don't let them in. this is YOUR baby. remind them every single time.
make it clear your baby will
be going to nursery/wherever as long as gp knows she won't be the nanny, what a joke. this behaviour is sooo uncalled for and they are being really awful. how dare they do this to you, so bad. you really need to just make it clear tho that you need time
to yourself and no one is welcome till you say otherwise. your poor baby is not a toy for them to entertain themselves
with. put a sign on your door saying new mummy and baby resting. please respect we need peace and quiet. and don't answer that bloody door!!!! cf's all of them!!

A few years ago I had a work colleague- she told me her daughter was pregnant and she started talking as if the baby was hers ! It was bizarre she told me that she had a spare room full of clothes she had bought - she insisted on going to all the scans - she was annoyed when her daughter told her she didn't want her at the birth as a birthing partner as she was with her husband.after the birth she retired from work to look after the baby when her daughter went back to work,but she would come in to work to update us and was upset that she couldn't see her grand daughter during school holidays ( mum & dad were teachers ) as they had time off and went on holiday without her and took baby to visit the other grandparents who lived a long way away. She was completely obsessed with her granddaughter.

Good God they sound absolutely dreadful.

Your DH is a spineless man who needs to stand up for his family, that’s you and his new baby.

Stop worrying about these people and what they want. Say no. No and no.

Sounds horrendous so sorry

Have MIL who is acting the victim. Just had baby boy three weeks ago. MIL forced her way to come over two hours from being discharged from hospital. Then she keeps asking for photos to send her family. I’ve already told her we hardly have chance to take photos let alone send them. She then calls my mum and cries over phone saying she so upset that I refusing to give photos. She then says she had shingles a month ago and didn’t want to worry us! We have seen her last few months and I was heavily pregnant with an older child!!
I have lost all respect for her. She hast even asked me how I’m doing after birth and keeps demanding video or photos. I’m exhausted and still adjusting to life with two kids. I’m borderline depressed already and had PND last pregnancy.
She doesn’t understand and I just need space from her. What shall I do?

Your MIL sounds absolutelt delightful!

I agree with others you need to hit a nuclear button. But from personal experience, i wouldnt approach them. It is all very emotional and likely to implode and make you more upset. You need to make sure your husband understands no means no. You need to lose you shit good and proper with him.

That being said, it isnt that easy. I have a very hands off approach. I never speak to my MIL alone or call her or text her. My DH and I nearly got divorced over his family. He deals with them and i dont have any hassle. We do this because it is easier this way.

Your MIL is walking all over you because you are letting her. Sometimes you just need to be a mean to get the point accross.

Stop answering the door and being nice
Stop answering messages straight away and give them a bit of the cold shoulder. Let your DH deal with the back lash. You got enough on your plate.

Stop letting people cross boundaries Including your DH. Give yourself a voice and be as difficult as you need to be. She is your LO. No one else's !

Oh and when your MIL says stuff like... the LO is going to sleep in my bed or i am going to be full time nanny.. you need t not get upset but fight with fire and wind her up...

Or... the baby only sleeps well because i sprayed my boob milk all of her sheets and the sofa and my clothes. Would you mind me spraying at yours?

Alot of the time, i let my MIL talk because it is 100% BS and if she feels empowered by telling me something and knowing i will ignore her then she really likes to waste her time. Overtime she has learnt to talk to me less and less

@jiashah See my advice above

If you want space... then just break off communication and explain to DH. He should be fronting this. Not you.

Being nice isnt getting you anywhere, so stop being nice

Zombie thread! Interested to know how things are going 6 months on OP?

@greybear123

Bloody hell, I've got no idea how you've tolerated this for so long you poor thing. They are all being completely disrespectful and thoughtless- not giving you any peace or chance to be just the three of you after the birth?? Your partner absolutely needs to put his foot down and advocate for you. They have stepped way over the line. Re presents/baby clothes I had to ask my MIL politely if she could just buy a few things a year for the kids - I didn't want her to not be able to enjoy being a grandparent but at the same time I felt like the kids had no clothes that I chose them as their mum? I think you need to have some strict words and they need to behave far better than this!