Pregnancy after baby loss. Desperate for a chat and some advice

[Shrillwaffle]

Hello all, first time posting. Last year I lost my baby girl at 23+5 weeks totally unexpectedly. After the autopsy they discovered she had a hypercoiled cord and put the loss down to that she must have had blood supply cut off. I’m pregnant again and I’m 14 weeks.

I have suffered with BPD since I was 13 and honestly I believe I have PTSD from the loss. Everytime I hear a baby cry I feel as though I’m going to have a panic attack. I’m so terrified the same will happen with this baby. For example today I have a really bad headache and my first thought is something is wrong.

I’m confused about how much support I should be receiving. After my loss I was promised extra support in my next pregnancy but I feel as though I’ve had none. I’ve seen the midwife once and had my 12 week scan. I have no other appointments until the 20 week scan and I’ve been trying to chase up my referral to the perinatal mental health team. I could really use some encouragement or advice as I currently feel as though I’m just waiting around until I find out my baby has died and it’s becoming rather intolerable these feelings.

I have had therapy for my BPD in the past which really changed my life but I feel as though all my previous coping strategies are obsolete because NOTHING prepares you for finding out your baby has unexpectedly died and then having to give birth on the labour ward whilst hearing women give birth and babies crying. I feel like when I call up they are irritated that I’ve called. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life. I also feels guilty as I’ve only managed to go down to my girls grave once because I just can’t deal with the grief and thinking my baby will be next to her there. And I also feel guilty about even maybe having this baby like I’m disrespecting her honour in some way (which I know is a ridiculous unfair thought to have) Please help.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and that you're experiencing such anxiety in this pregnancy. Of course you are.
I am afraid I don't have much advice except to keep pushing for support and perhaps if you can afford it seeking out some private counselling?
I also know that Tommy's and Sands are two fantastic charities that my friends have found helpful (their son was stillborn at 26 weeks). I had an early miscarriage at 8 weeks and I found the Tommy's resources helpful but I believe they also have a helpline and Sands does support groups.
Sorry if I'm telling you things you already know. Sending a handhold x

That sounds absolutely traumatic, I am so sorry for your loss of your little baby girl and can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. As PP mentioned there are charities if you would like to get in contact with in the meantime while you wait for your referral, though you shouldn’t have to chase up this referral 😔

Pregnancy is already isolating, I can’t imagine how you feel currently and reading how alone you feel breaks my heart. It’s so unfair what you have experienced, I really feel for you.

I don’t know how the mental health team works and whether you be able to access any extra scans from NHS for reassurance via them? If not would you be able to get any private scans? I’m 17 weeks atm, and I had a MMC at 12 week scan previously (nowhere near the same thing as what you’ve experienced of course) and I’ve also had those feelings of disbelief that things could be fine this time - I have them every day pretty much all day, as you say just waiting for something bad to happen - so I can’t imagine how anxious you must feel. I have heard of people getting scans through Tommys but I’m not sure if it’s just certain locations or how it all works but it might be worth reaching out to them for some support in regards to getting more scans.

The only advice I can give is something I’ve seen from a few posters on here which is to count every day as “right now I’m pregnant”, so every day without any bad news is a step in a positive direction.

Please never feel guilty, nothing you ever do is disrespecting your daughter 🩷 You loved her, you grew her, you cherished her and you clearly miss and grieve for her. No matter how you grieve, there is no right or wrong way.

I hope you are able to access some help. You’re in my thoughts x

I’m so sorry to hear about your devastating loss, that must have been absolutely horrendous! No wonder you’re so anxious.

I had a miscarriage shortly before my successful pregnancy and found Zoe Clark Coates’ book ‘Pregnancy after Loss’ invaluable - it really supported me during my lowest moments and I highly recommend it!

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy xx

Thankyou, I can’t afford private I used to get it but it’s untenable unfortunately, I think I get in touch with a charity if I don’t hear something soon, I just more rely on the NHS as unfortunately charities I’ve spoke to in the past don’t really understand my mental health condition. I’m wishing you all the best too we deserve some good karma x

That’s some good advice thankyou taking each day as it comes, I can’t help my mind from racing forward. After my loss I have it in writing I should be receiving extra scans but when I call the gp it’s just like ‘wait be patient’ and unfortunately I cannot be patient lol I feel like i need the help right now right this second

Thank you, it has been horrendous. The moment they told us I felt not on this earth like my body was levitating off the bed, I couldn’t tell you who was in the room and what happened my heart broke physically and emotionally. Like after we found out I remember getting some shut eye for about an hour and got woken up by a crying baby being rolled past my room I genuinely thought I was going insane, I went outside for air I just wanted to run away far away. A lot of the time I had to check with my hubby if he heard crying too because sometimes I heard it and there wasn’t crying. :( I just constantly think ‘I can’t go through it again’ I genuinely believe I’ll have a psychotic breakdown, I don’t think my brain can protect me twice. I feel like when I get emotional and overwhelmed by it I can’t see hear or think and then I’ll snap out of it and be completely numb and emotionless which I feel is my brain protecting itself. This is why I want the perinatal mental health support now to prevent it happening during or even after pregnancy. Like my baby was a baby my husband was born with extra fingers and she had extra fingers and an extra toe :’( she was born 10/05/2022 at 8am on the dot weighing 700 pounds exactly

OP, my heart breaks for you. I have a similarish story, at my 12 week scan they found that my baby was “not compatible with life”. I had to have a termination at 13 weeks. The lovely consultant spoke to me and assured me that next time I’d have an extra scan at 8 weeks for reassurance.

got pregnant 9 months later, and was told nope, no extra scan needed. I felt this consultant was quite dismissive.

i did have the means to pay for a private scan, so did. It was helpful. But only for that day really, I still worried on all the other days!

something I read on here once was to look around next time you’re out and about. Everywhere you look there are people who are the results of healthy pregnancies. I found it quite comforting.

My heart goes out to you. I also lost my baby (my son) and my second pregnancy with my daughter was incredibly hard, isolating and full of the grief and anxiety you describe.
In terms of practical advice, I would encourage you to ask your hospital if they have bereavement midwives. They should be able to help you get the care you need. If not, keep pushing and go via PALS if necessary.
I would also encourage you to keep pushing for bereavement counselling via the NHS. It has been so very helpful for me in processing everything.
Wishing you the very best in this pregnancy. Take it one day at a time.

Oh my heart absolutely breaks for you. I also remember the moment I found out - I’ll never forget it! Thank you for sharing details of your little girl ❤️
Pregnancy after loss is so so hard. In hindsight I should have sought help for my mental health during it - I ended up in triage being assessed a ridiculous amount of times because I was so convinced something was going to go wrong.
Take it one day - even one hour - at a time. Lean on people for support and make use of the maternity services. Get checked as many times as you need, in my experience they have generally always been happy to put my mind at ease. I really hope you get access soon to some good quality mental health services to support you during this pregnancy xx