Recently pregnant but don't think I want this

[Notsureifiwanttodothis]

I am 31 and married for 2 years, we've been together for 5 years. We love each other deeply and have a very good relationship. He has always wanted a children and since being with me is sure that he wants to have a baby with me, I'm the right person, etc. He is nothing but loving and supportive.

I thought throughout my life that I'd probably want to have children at some point but there's been a lot of sadness in my life the last few years and it's only really since this Spring that I feel a bit back to myself; my career is taking off, I've started a business which still needs an awful lot of work to get off the ground, I do things for myself that I used to do but had stopped doing the past few years, I see friends, starting to save a bit of money properly again, love my body and am proud of it.

My husband has been asking me to start a family for a couple of years now and when we were on holiday a few weeks ago I finally told him I was open to the idea more now. I'm fairly certain that the next day when we made love was the time of conception.

I was open to it. But I thought I'd have a few more months to really come round to the idea. So it was sort of planned but not really.

Now, I found out I am pregnant the other day and I'm a month in. My husband is beyond ecstatic. When I took the first test I was immobile with fear, then shaking and sobbing uncontrollably, took the car out for a drive and didn't really know what I was doing.

Prior to finding out I was pregnant, I always thought pregnancy was revolting and like having an alien growing inside you. I thought those feelings would change once I found out I was pregnant but I've just spent the last two hours sobbing my eyes out. Which has led me to finding this website and posting this post.

I am absolutely utterly terrified. I am terrified of losing my freedoms and indepence when the baby is here. Of being pregnant mostly and already I have spent the last week in agony and sick and miserable and zero energy. I don't want a huge belly with something growing inside me. I love my body and it's going to get flabby and fat and the excess skin I'll have will break my heart. I used to compete in bodybuilding and I have spent years making my body into my idea of beautiful. To have it all taken away so that I can bring a baby into our lives makes me angry. I'm already resenting that I'm pregnant and he's not. He doesn't get it or understand, regardless of what he says, because it's ME going through it, not him. It's already a miserable journey. I don't want to lose my career, be replaced, be forgotten. I am selfish really and I'm okay with that but my nights on the sofa with meze and Netflix, binge watching until the sun comes up - I won't be able to do that anymore. Instead it will be crying, screaming, snot, dirty nappies, a load of mess... I'm house proud and love my environment to be clean (not crazy clean but tidy) and beautiful. That's all going to go away. I just don't know what to do.

My Daddy died a couple of years ago and I hold huge regret that I didn't have a baby before he went away. He was my best friend. He was everything to me. He'll never get to see my baby. But my Mummy, my other best friend (we talk every day, we have such a strong healthy relationship) is here still. And I don't want to be riddled with further guilt because I took too long to decide to have a baby and then she goes away too. Then, what's the point. I want her to see her grandchild and to be happy and I know she's supportive of me whatever I do - she tells me to have a baby for me, not for her etc etc.

I do want a family with my husband. But the reality of it is so different. I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to lose my body, my life, my freedoms, my career. I have zero interest in breast feeding because I don't want my breasts to sag and become loose and horrible because I will never ever have plastic surgery to fix them. I also don't want him to love the baby more than me. However dumb and selfish that sounds. I want all of his love still. And I won't have it, the baby will be more important than me. And I don't want to have to do all the stupid mum things thst are expected of me, like go to groups and talk to other mums and PTA meetings and it's all so revolting to me and puts me off and makes me want to run for the hills.

I do think that if I have an abortion, that no matter what he says, my relationship will eventually come to an end because it will break his heart.

I really really really don't know what to do. I'm utterly terrified and now I've got something I thought I sort of half wanted, I don't know if I do or not.

Please please please be kind. I am so emotional and low and I'm alone as he is away for work for the next 10 days and none of my friends are close by. I know I'm selfish and I don't need to be told that the things in my life that I love are superficial.

Any help or advice is so appreciated... or reassurance that pregnancy is okay. Or that I'll feel better. Or that my breasts won't sag. Please.

Love and thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to reply to me. X

Could you perhaps get therapy for feeling this way? Might help you understand what you are feeling and techniques to help you cope with the changes.

Wow, you probably really should have thought better about conceiving if that's how you feel but that's done and I'm not going to judge you for that. Pregnancy isn't as awful as your idea of it. Seems like your body is your main focus which is understandable if you're as fit as you say. But look, I was a nice size 10 before I got pregnant and figured I'd end up a 12 after most likely but I ate healthy and did alot of walking whilst pregnant and I think it helped keep my body fit. My LO is 10mo now and I'm a size 6 now and believe me I'm not doing any exercise other than walking the buggy round and chasing after baby. I didn't bf so can't comment but formula feeding isn't a bad thing so you could do that. Of course it's a massive life change but it's worth it. Though you can't see that right now, because of these worries. I think you need to have a really good think about what you really want to do as tbh you don't really sound like you want a baby at all. Sorry if that wasn't what you were looking for. Hope you find what you need

I know the idea of having a baby or your first child is very scary and overwhelming - there are a lot of unknowns and yes your life will change. But it can really change for the better and be a positive experience when you look at it in a different way. Think about how much you could love this baby and not just your partner's feelings. You said your mum was one of your best friend's and this baby could also be yours.

Relationships do change and alter with a baby but your love could grow even more and the team you create even better. It can be lovely to watch your partner become a parent.

I get the alien in your belly thing. I think I've found when you do feel them inside it actually brings a lot of comfort and love. You know they are OK and happy in there.

I was like you and loved a good binge watch till all hours before kids came along too. You can still do it but on a different scale and for not as long ha. But it won't be like that forever. They grow up before you know it.

You can keep fit whilst pregnant and look after your body too. Because you do put that effort in, I bet you bounce back quickly. You don't have to breast feed so don't let that worry you. Maybe you will love your body more for the miracle it has created.

Like I said, I know things seem scary now... but see if you can think about them in a different way with a bit of time. It doesn't have to be a negative thing and could ultimately be the best thing that ever happened to you. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Sending love!

Hi,

I absolutely am not judging you for those ‘superficial’ things being important to you - in fact you’re voicing a lot of the things many women have felt at one point or another. I felt that way at one point. And it makes sense - these ‘superficial’ things are just external evidence of what you’ve internally worked so hard for. They represent your identity and the things that have shaped your life and brought you happiness. It’s clear that at this point having a baby would feel like a clash with those values and things that give you stability and give you a sense of self. It’s difficult, especially when you’ve gone through a rough patch (I’m sorry to hear of your Dad’s passing) that when you finally get a sense of who you are again, it’s in upheaval and now on the precipice of the hugest transformation you’ll probably ever go through.

I used to feel that way and some women, I imagine, still might feel that way. But for me things did change. I had no pressure to change them, so there is that. I know my parents wanted me to have a baby but they supported me anyway. I had even told my partner that I’ll never have kids (he wanted them but was fine with my decision). But then as time went on, those things I tied my identity to started to morph. There’s no ‘mum’ gene or identity, and it definitely didn’t just ‘turn into that’, but what happened was I just got a lot more comfortable with myself and with the idea that who I am and what I want can be fluid and can interlink with different things. For example, I’m also heavy into fitness and worried about changes to my body. I started to become more confident in my body’s ability to get where I want as long as I work on it (baby or no baby). I also worried about my mental health and passing on my trauma stuff to my baby, being unable to deal with tantrums and crying etc. the therapy i had made me more skilled in my ability to handle that and realise I can change.
there were so many other things I realised were not as rigid or as fixed as I thought they were - even when we want stability, we are still always changing and growing and learning.

This is all to say - it’s not actually as bad as you think it is. Your fear of it makes it worse, but in reality you can still have a healthy, fit body, and you can still have a nice clean house (I have legit OCD so I can relate), you can still have the love with your partner, you can still have Netflix on the couch with meze. The only difference is you’ll have something else too, an addition not ‘take away’. All it would require is a shift in how you do things. If you’ve ever had a dog or pet you’ll understand.

it will require better communication with your partner to ease your fears about love. It will require you educating your child in the way you want, so that they’re not having tantrums, so they learn the value of cleanliness etc. it will require doing Netflix around a diff schedule or perhaps allowing your partner/family/baby sitter to give you that space.

people have been having kids for centuries and have had their own businesses and cared for their Health at the same time. This must mean that there is a way to balance it and that it’s not actually all doom and gloom. When it’s your baby, you have it how you want, and you do the things you want, in your own way. Don’t feel disempowered - you are empowered, whatever you choose. You have the power to shape it how you want

consider that… if you’re someone who likes challenges, you can see this as another challenge, rather than a death sentence. This is not something you have to roll over and let happen and let chaos ensue. You are in control of how it will all go or pan out.

As for your family - don’t do anything out of guilt. But at the same time - perhaps that might be coming from inside you as well - is there some part of you that wants to be ready even though you’re not? Think about what’s stopping you, try to figure out if that’s something you can fix. And then if you want to.

there’s a lot of emotions and a lot of fear, but remember that no matter what happens, you’re still you and you can still have your life no matter what. A baby/child isn’t all bad. Especially when it’s yours and you raise it how you want. There is a type of bond on offer here that you can’t have with anyone else ever. Think about all the potential and don’t be pessimistic about it, so that it’s a fair decision you are making. Try to avoid black and white thinking when making important decisions, that is my biggest advice

if in the end you decide you want to abort - your partner, if he truly loves you and you do a good job of communicating all these things with him, should understand

Oh OP I'm sorry you feel this way. I am pregnant with a very much wanted baby and I am also struggling with body image issues and anxiety. I think they're more prevalent than we are led to believe and women are discouraged from saying or even thinking anything negative about our bodies during pregnancy because we are suddenly meant to turn into mother earth vessels whose only purpose is to bring a baby into this world. After 30+ years of indoctrination on body image and what I "should" look like, I am struggling with my expanding body, despite DH being very supportive. I realised it's not about what DH or other men think, it's about how I feel about myself and I've allowed myself grace during my pregnancy with the knowledge that my body will be mine again soon.

Please don't think those thoughts mean you aren't cut out to be a mother. The same with not thinking you can be a "mumsy" mum who lives for PTA meetings and baby groups. Plenty of my friends have kids and have retained their identities, their successful careers and their ability to hold a conversation that doesn't revolve around their children. You can carve your own path.

What also helps me is looking forward to when they're older. I'm not very into babies or children, although will do my best, but I can't wait to guide my kid through their adolescence, through first boyfriends/girlfriends, school discos, helping them shop for outfits and yes, being shouted at for being a crap mum who doesn't understand them. I feel like I'm more suited to being a parent to a teenager than a baby or small child, that's what excites me (mental, I know). I visualise my kid as the person they will be - they might be funny, clever, alternative, nerdy, a loner, popular - whatever they are, it will be theirs to own and I can't wait to see that. It might help you to think of that stage you would look forward to, when you can start to relate more to them. It sounds like we are similar in our ambivalence toward the baby and toddler stage, but that doesn't last long.

You are struggling, but you can do this. You will have faced so many other challenges in your life, and I can't help but feel you will regret it if you abort this baby (which you are entitled to do if that is what you want). You have people rooting for you.

Yes I just want to second - I hate those mumsy groups and PTAs lol. There’s all types of mums in the world!! You don’t have to be that one. You can be a mum who doesn’t do that - you be how you want to be. All your baby would want is your love and care, but who you are can stay the same

Just to reassure you, I was very physically fit before getting pregnant. Had baby and was very "flabby" as you said but when she turned a year I decided to shape up again. Baby is a year and a half now and my body is as good as it ever was. I have no stretch marks, no flabbiness, no excess skin (which is what I was worried about, I started at 58kg and went up to 95kg and was worried my skin would have stretched when I shrank down) and am the exact shape I was before. It was actually really rewarding to get there too! To see my body change so much for the better made me feel so good. I've always been into bouldering and running and loved my strong shoulders and they're back! If you're fit now, you'll have the discipline to get it back.

Baby sleeps all night and we get to watch entire series after she goes to bed at 7, we have the whole evening to ourselves. My career hasn't taken a hit- my mat leave cover was so useless that they couldn't wait for me to get back and gave me a pay rise as well to make sure I knew I was appreciated back! We have regular child care so we can enjoy days off together and still be a couple, knowing baby is safe.

I know it's easy to focus on the negatives but trust me,it can be so positive. Even at 1.5 years our daughter is so independent and seeing her happy honestly is the best thing in life to me. Your happiness doesn't come at a cost here, having a baby can also boost your happiness.

It's not easy, but what worth having is?