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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Is there ever a 'right' time to get pregnant?

23 replies

SarahCrowcombe · 04/08/2023 12:22

Hi, I am not sure what I am trying to say here, but maybe I just want to speak to someone?

I am 30, my husband is 33, and we had always talked about starting to try for a baby in 6 months or so. My husband's parents were much older parents, and he is pretty keen to not wait too much longer before we start trying for a baby because he really wants our future kids to be able to meet/have a relationship with their grandparents. I am also keen not to wait too much longer - it feels like we have delayed it so much, and waited for so long because of so many reasons. We have been happily married for 2 years, together for 8, own a house, have loving families, got no debt etc, so on paper, there should be nothing holding us back.

However, I was a teacher for 5 years, but left last year due to the job killing me (I have no regrets leaving teaching). I started a new entry-level job in marketing which I don't love, but don't hate - its manageable and I don't mind it. But, the pay is appalling - I have taken a £10,000 pay cut from last year which, coupled with the cost of living rise, has been a challenge. My plan was very much to take the job so that we had some money coming in, but to look for other, slightly better paid roles in the meantime.
However, I am really struggling to find/get another job. It is all very disheartening and feels like I have taken massive backwards step. I have recently had 2 interviews and were told that I lacked the relevant experience for the jobs. However, I feel like I don't have time for all this - not only are we really feeling the squeeze with my pay cut, but I also feel like I don't have time to gain x number of years of experience if I want to start a family - I am not 21 any longer.

I am also putting so much time and energy into these applications and prep for interviews, and it feels like a real blow each time I am unsuccessful. I was successful in the teaching world - I had a really good job that I left, so it is really knocking me. I feel a lot like a failure - I am back to square 1, and really stuck in a rut. Coupled with this, this is a time where all my friends are really starting to blossom in their careers - get promotions and receive big bonuses.

It is SO hard to plan at the moment - I don't want to start a new job and immediately get pregnant, and I also can't keep applying for jobs once I am pregnant - this will definitely halt the process. But, I am really feeling the pressure of time ticking away, not finding a job that pays enough, and not wanting to delay our family plans for much longer.

My husband thinks we should just start trying for a baby in the winter regardless of where we are at then, and just 'make it work', but I am more leaning towards delaying it until I get a better paid job - but who knows how long that might take?! I think my husband is worrying that I am constantly waiting for the 'right time', but there might never be the perfect time and we just have to go for it.

Apologies for the long ramble. I guess I just wanted to get my feelings out, and reach out to see if anybody else has experienced anything similar. If so, what did you do?
Thanks so much in advance.

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DuploTrain · 04/08/2023 12:28

In your situation I would wait until you had a better job and have been in it long enough to get maternity pay, even if that takes a couple of years. My advice would be different if you were 35.

It’s okay for your DH to say you will make it work, but realistically it’s your life that will change dramatically and your career prospects that will suffer, not his.

I do agree there might never be a “perfect” time, but there are definitely some wrong times, and for me this would be the wrong time. Having a baby can be quite stressful, so adding money worries will make it much worse.

thenervesgotme30 · 04/08/2023 12:31

I would not delay it any longer.. there is always something that pops up. Also it could take you a while to fall pregnant. It took a year for Dh & I.. it was sole destroying every month. If i were you I'd relax.. start trying & hopefully it happens soon. We currently want a second but just being relaxed about it as I am also looking for new jobs and going to interviews too. Good luck & hope it all works out for you 🤞

AnxiouslyWait · 04/08/2023 12:32

I personally wouldn’t delay. We’ve set a date to start trying and will do so regardless of where we’re at.

WAC1 · 04/08/2023 12:34

I wouldn't delay , there is never a good time. If you move jobs you might need to work for a year+ to be eligible for maternity pay. It might take ages to conceive. So many unknowns!

DuploDuplo42 · 04/08/2023 12:37

I was in a similar situation when we started TTC our first. Married, owned our home but I was in a job that I disliked and the hours were terrible. We made the decision to go ahead and I had DS at 29. I ended up getting a new role towards the end of my mat leave so it worked well for us.
It's so difficult because you could conceive immediately when you start trying or it could take some time. I would think about how you'd feel if you waited and then it did take longer than you planned?
I totally agree that there's never a perfect time though!

lavenderdilly · 04/08/2023 12:37

I actually think it sounds like a good time to have a baby tbh.

You might wait for a good job and then have to wait another year to get the benefit of any enhanced maternity pay and then who knows that happens in that year.

There is no RIGHT time, but there is a wrong time and you guys seem to have nearly a full set of cards so I'd go for it. Life is unpredictable anyway.

And honestly, other than the cot, pram, car seat - babies are surprisingly af
fordable.

Un7breakable · 04/08/2023 12:38

I wouldn't delay. You'll make it worse. We delayed and then things came up, and it meant a three year wait then it took us a while to get pregnant. The heartache and what ifs are not worth it

DuploTrain · 04/08/2023 12:42

lavenderdilly · 04/08/2023 12:37

I actually think it sounds like a good time to have a baby tbh.

You might wait for a good job and then have to wait another year to get the benefit of any enhanced maternity pay and then who knows that happens in that year.

There is no RIGHT time, but there is a wrong time and you guys seem to have nearly a full set of cards so I'd go for it. Life is unpredictable anyway.

And honestly, other than the cot, pram, car seat - babies are surprisingly af
fordable.

The childcare is quite expensive though.

I seem to be the only one in the delay camp, and I can see the pros of cracking on.

But I’ll just add - not everyone has trouble conceiving. So if you do start trying, you need definitely want to be pregnant straight away. For me it was 2nd month with my first baby and 1st month with my second.

Also, and most importantly, from what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound to want to start trying straight away - and that shouldn’t be ignored.

Summer2424 · 04/08/2023 12:43

Hi @SarahCrowcombe don't delay having a baby x

TheIsleOfTheLost · 04/08/2023 12:45

There is never a right time. Do you actually want to get into marketing, or is it just a different thing than teaching that came along at the right time? You are an experienced teacher, so you could go back to that just for the money and get maternity pay then leave again.

lavenderdilly · 04/08/2023 12:46

@DuploTrain that's true, it is expensive, but I guess that's a bit later down the line depending on various factors!

Welcometothehumanrace · 04/08/2023 12:47

Another vote for don't delay. I was in the position of your friends, career doing well etc. - which is great in terms of money but there was no chance of going part time of taking my foot off the gas once I was back off mat leave trying to be a new mum. I felt a lot of pressure to go back to work full pelt and keep my career going to make sure we could continue the life we were accustomed to. It was hard at first. I often wonder if I'd had kids earlier in my career if there would be less pressure. Again I agree there's no right time - pros and cons in most situations - but I don't necessarily think having a great well paid career makes it easier.

Peony654 · 04/08/2023 12:48

I’d be looking to get any job for now, at least you get statutory maternity pay. But if you can live off DH salary then I’d be less concerned. You cannot expect to plan anything when TTC.

Strawberry06 · 04/08/2023 12:49

I very much felt the same as you about a year and a half ago ago except I am 6 years older! Granted I've been in the same job for 6 years and I am the breadwinner but I felt like I was stuck in a rut. I had a few unsuccessful interviews to try and 'get out' but ultimately I decided to stay in my job and try for a baby instead as time was ticking!

I had a MC start of the year and then 20 days before my 36th birthday I found out I was pregnant again. Its a huge deal financially as I don't get enhanced maternity and I'll be living off just SMP and it will be tough but we'll manage. I have the same 'we'll make it work' attitude as your husband!

To me, you have the luxury of just being 30 so I'd say you still have another year or two where you could try for another job. But as others have said, you just don't know how long it can take to conceive.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2023 12:55

I definitely wouldn't wait. I'd be trying for a baby right now.

Bizjustgotreal · 04/08/2023 12:57

I got made redundant while pregnant and had to find a job while expecting. I went onto maternity allowance and the business kept me on after mat leave.

No job is guaranteed. Don't put your life on hold for work.

moosey89 · 04/08/2023 12:58

Don't wait around - you don't know how long it'll take you. My first pregnancy took 2.5 years, then a big gap of not trying for various reasons, then 6 months for my second - and both ended in missed miscarriage so 7 years after I first tried for a baby I still have no living children. It's not worth delaying it, things could get better or worse over the coming year.

PickledScrump · 04/08/2023 13:00

There is never a perfect time. Something will always come up that you could argue makes it not a good time. I think you just have to bite the bullet and say let’s do this. Also bear in mind it can take a healthy couple 12 months to conceive and if any fertility issues come up it could be longer.

Thankyouthankyoujellybean · 04/08/2023 16:47

If you've been there long enough to get maternity pay, I say go for it too. I had my first at 32 and wish I'd started earlier as I'm now 38 with #3 on the way.

Olika · 04/08/2023 16:59

My advise is not to wait. You are already 30 so it's better to start trying now. Good luck

Mangotango39 · 05/08/2023 00:48

No right time.

I got very broody quite quickly . After already suffering two losses through accidents I didn't know what lay ahead.

Technically waiting an extra year would have put us in a better position money wise BUT that's on paper and 'in a perfect world' because who knows what lies ahead in a years time.

Anyway, we bit the bullet and fell first try. Now 12 weeks. No regrets at all.

You may want to go back part-time so that might be the perfect opportunity to apply for some other different roles?

Xcv · 05/08/2023 07:45

I have nothing useful to really add but just wanted to comment as I saw you’ve also escaped teaching! I was in it for 5 years too and now feel like a different person (although worse off financially). When I was on mat leave with my first I started a little business from home to make a bit of extra money. If you could do something like this after the first couple of months it would maybe help and also help your longer term situation? There are so many things you can sell online, especially with teaching skills

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 05/08/2023 08:25

For me it was hugely important to be in a good financial and career position before. Cost of living and cost of childcare has gone up, cost of things for children have gone up, and I want to be able to provide stability and everything they need as they grow older. It's been the right decision for me, as I have a well paid job now and both my partner and I are senior enough to have flexibility in our careers and with our time which has really been invaluable.

I was 36 with my first and currently pregnant with my second. Childcare for two for example will be £3700 a month.

I wasn't ready at 30, I had more things I wanted to achieve and experience first. However we're all different and I think it's worth really sitting down with your partner and planning finances before for all eventualities (leave, enhanced pay, childcare, mortgage increases etc) and going through the pros and cons of now or later in detail. It's probably the biggest decision you'll ever make, so I think it's worth taking a bit of time. It may be that now is the perfect time.

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