Dealing with death whilst pregnant

[colourPink]

I'm not even sure this is the right "topic" but I couldn't find one of death/grief/loss in general.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow and my mother has just unexpectedly passed away on Friday. Her partner woke up and she was dead on the sofa.

I'm worried about the stress of the loss on my pregnancy but I'm more worried that I feel NOTHING. I keep waiting for this feeling to hit me, for me to start crying etc but I feel fine. I just feel normal. I get moments where I start to think I'll cry/feel something but then it just stops or I "pull it together". But I CAN pull it together.

Is this normal?

It's only been four days so I'm trying to tell myself to be kind but I'm worried that once I have the baby the hormone surge coupled with this loss will be overwhelming but yet I can't seem to let myself feel it now instead.

I know I feel sad that she'll never meet my son but I also don't actually feel the sadness - does this even make sense?

Everyone is treating me like glass... dealing with a death of a parent whilst heavily pregnant and I keep telling them not to. Because truly, I am coping okay. It's making me feel abnormal or as if I'm not upset by her death. But again, I know I'm sad and heartbroken I just can't feel it.

I suppose I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here... has anyone else experienced loss whilst pregnant? Has anyone experienced loss and felt like this in general?

My baby shower is supposed to be next Sat (12th) and I feel conflicted. I don't want all my corned around me hugging/asking how I'm doing/coping. The idea of it makes me squirm but friends/family think I should go ahead with it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.💐

Give yourself time and grace. There is no set grief playbook. Emotions can hit at the strangest times.

As to the baby shower, you could make it a no death talk zone if that's what you want. Do what works for you.

I think you may be slightly in shock. I had this when I lost my baby at 14 weeks. Different scenario of course but I kind of just focused on my living soon and coped too well ... I did eventually have moments where I broke down but it took atleast a week for that to kick in. Sometimes I forced it too, I sat and thought about it and made myself cry because I thought it was unhealthy not to be suffering .. so I get what you mean. It's a weird feeling!

And also so sorry for your loss x

Aww I'm sorry to hear that. My sister died last year while I was 8 months pregnant. She missed meeting my daughter by 20 days. I actually planned her funeral and registered her death as I didn't want my Mum to have to do it. I did cry but then just went into survival mode and still don't think I've processed it properly. It's nice to have something positive to focus on at such an awful time but you can't help but feel like you're not upset enough. I thibk it's because you go into self preservation mode for your baby. Give it time. I'm sorry for your loss.

Hello @colourPink my mother died whilst I was pregnant (earlier than your stage). It's a very difficult thing to go through (anyway) made more complicated than usual by the focus (by you and others) on your soon to be born baby which can impact necessary grieving process. You sound as though you're in shock which is fine, but you need to tell your healthcare provider and be prepared that sooner or later it will hit you. I am terribly sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad in similar circumstances. I did not cry either. I told myself that he loved me so much that he would not want to see me unhappy.
I don’t know what was driving me, I look back now and think it was just too awful for me to cope with. A survival instinct to protect my baby possibly.

I think you have to allow people to cosset you . you certainly don’t need to put on an act for others.

Hi op sorry for your loss. My mum passed away a week before my son was born. I felt a lot like you are describing - I didn't feel the loss initially and just kept going. Everyone is different. Just take each day as it comes and let yourself feel however you feel. I found it helped to have a new baby to focus on. It kept me busy and it was something happy in a sad time. It did take me a while, probably a year or more, to start to grieve properly. I accessed some grief counselling through the NHS which was really helpful. xx

I'm so sorry. My Mum and Dad both died when i was pregnant with my daughter in 2017. It was the worst time of my life. My daughter is 5 now and completely unaffected. It did delay my labour though - the MW put it down to the stress as my body was so uptight my cervix stayed closed - i needed to be induced.
Try and look after yourself.

Thank you everyone. I probably am in shock but it's funny as I don't feel as if I am.

I'm just being extra mindful to clock how much I'm feeling baby etc to make sure the stress isn't getting to me.

I appreciate all your kind words.

Give yourself space and time, we all grieve differently, the shock means it can take time to process the permanency in some ways. If you have good support to be there for you that is all that matters.

Btw don't believe what you see in movies, not everyone cries and howls, it doesn't make it any less of a loss, I was more numb when I lost a friend suddenly, I was relieved when my (very ill) grandparents died.

Don't be afraid to turn to professionals if you need extra help down the line

@colourPink hi op. I'm really sorry for your loss. I was in a similar situation as you in 2021 when I was pregnant woth my son. I lost my 2 brother in laws in the space of 4months.
I was in complete shock as they both came outnof no where. However I just had to think about myself and my baby at the time and grieve after. However your situation is completely different to mine. I think grieve how you want to. It's going to be hard of course. You will have loads of support around you. Speak eoth your gp or midwife.

Once again I'm really sorry for your loss. 🙏🏼❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in late pregnancy and relate to your feelings of shock and auto-coping.

My DD was born 9 days late perfectly healthy, babies are entirely resistant to maternal stress so pls don't worry, you're actually less likely to go into Labour when stressed and your body releases adrenaline that stalls Labour- because it doesn't want an unsafe environment to give birth in

Hello, not sure if you can see my posting history but my dad died when I was pregnant and it was a really weird time. I loved him so much but I couldn't feel it properly.

I did end up having my baby prematurely and have wondered if there's a connection but I think on balance there isn't.

I've had times since my baby was born when I've longed for my dad but at the time it was just like adrenaline carried me through.

I hope you're ok as possible. It's ok to feel however you feel, there's no right or wrong or supposed to with something like this.

Keep attending all medical appointments and it's very very likely your pregnancy and birth will be fine.

@theotherfossilsister @HopelessEstateAgents

So sorry for your losses. I think you're right - having the pregnancy is almost a blessing as it gives you something to preoccupy your brain with.

This is my first baby and I feel so weird knowing I won't be able to just call my mum for advice. She had 5 children and would have loved to meet him. I think that's what I'll struggle with the most - I spoke to her just the day before and she couldn't stop talking about how close we were to meeting my son and now she never will.

A big part of your loss is the regret that your mum won’t be in your child’s life. I talked about my Dad a lot to all of my children. The worse part for me was not my own loss but theirs. I was determined to give them the life that he gave me.

Mine are all adults now and they are raising their children in exactly the way my dad raised me. It gives me so much comfort, seeing him live on through his grandchildren, great grandchildren and now a great great grandchild.