Missed Miscarriage

[SPink91]

Hi All

So some days ago I made a post about going for a scan and then dating me weeks earlier and the gestational sack being empty. It is now confirmed that the baby stopped developing and it was a missed miscarriage. After 3 weeks my body has finally caught up with what’s going on and I am actively going through the process, it began last night, I haven’t had any significant bleeding as yet.

I have a few questions I guess -

1. how painful should it be?
2. how long should it take for me to pass all the tissue?
3. I am thinking of taking some time off work, what did others do?

Thanks guys. I just want the physical bit done so I can begin emotionally healing as I know that will be the hardest part.

So sorry you are going through this. I had a mmc about ten years ago. Hope the following isn’t tmi, really sorry if it is. Baby had stopped developing around 7 weeks, sac was bigger than that. I bled for a few hours before passing the sac (which didn’t break) and fetus. I caught this in a bowl as didn’t want to flush it away. Pain and bleeding was similar to the most painful, heavy days of my period. There were some gushes of blood and fluid for about an hour after, then it settled to heavy period type level, tailing off over about 5 days. My local early pregnancy unit were helpful with advice over the phone when I had questions about what was normal.

I took a week off work, I’m a nanny and really should have taken my bosses up on having longer, it was hard going back even though they were lovely. Kids too even though they didn’t know what had happened. It was good to get back into normal routines though.

@SPink91 hi me again. Hope.you are doing ok.
I think its difficult to answer your questions because everyone is different and every miscarriage is different esp depending on how far along etc. Im not going to lie one of mine was really painful, ive never given birth before but id say i have experienced contractions! BUT it wasnt intense pain for very long for me. The most of it was like bad period pains and was manageable. In terms of time it takes again i think they all differ. My first one was medically managed so they gave me pills and pessaries to speed it up and it took all day to finally pass it, then i just had a normal period for about 7 days after. I also had another mc that was less blood and quicker than a normal period so they really are all different! Sorry if thats not much help.

Thank you for your reply 🥰 I really appreciate the info and thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share it.

It’s now been around 36hrs since my bleeding started, I still haven’t had anything heavy, I experienced some intense pain last night and passed a few very small clots but that’s all at this stage. I just want it to be over, I know I’ll bleed for a while after but I want the actual tissue passing to be done.

take care of yourself and thanks again x

Hey Hun,

oh I know, I guess I was just looking for some kind of info on what’s deffo not normal type thing. Thank you for replying and sharing that info with me, I really appreciate it 🥰

My next question for you guys is how did you take care of yourself physically and emotionally in the weeks/months after your loss?

@SPink91 honestly. I didnt. I didnt take care of myself. I didnt process it properly and i didnt talk it out with anyone. Please dont be like me. Please look after yourself and properly grieve because i didnt. I just got crazy in a hurry to try again because i thought the only way i could get rid of the numbness and the pain was to be pregnant again. I drank lots and ate crap and felt crap. If u want to chat at all feel free to msg me. I didnt have anyone and it is the loneliest xx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have had 2 missed miscarriages, the first I had surgical management (had no natural bleeding), the second I had surgical managment again after 2 weeks of light bleeding/spotting which never developed in to managing itself.

In terms of how I look after myself after miscarriages - firstly, take time to process and grieve. It's a horrible thing to go through, what you were expecting has been taken away from you, and it's going to feel crap for a while. Second, do things that make you feel good. Get signed off from work for a couple of weeks (if you're comfortable doing so) and don't feel guilty for taking time to look after yourself. For me this is walking, going to the gym (as soon as I was comfortable, so a couple of days after surgery), seeing some close friends, playing board games, spending time with my dog etc.

After my second loss which happened this past month, I have put a focus on eating nutritious food balanced with other things I want to eat that make me happy, taking all my vitamins/supplements etc (so that we're ready to try again). I've also stayed off caffeine and alcohol completely as I was feeling better without it so I thought why start drinking either again!

I will be honest though - I didn't handle my first loss anywhere near as well as I have been handling this one. I withdrew into myself, tried to tell myself it wasn't a big deal etc and that was a really bad idea. You need to let yourself feel whatever you're feeling and work through it.

Hope it resolves soon for you, and you can start healing xx

I suspect most people are the same hun. At the moment I just feel totally numb, earlier on I sat drinking a coffee and thought “why don’t I feel anything?” It’s the strangest thing, I suspect once it’s physically done the emotional will kick in. Thanks hun, I really appreciate that and will likely take you up on the offer - likewise feel free to message me xx

I am so sorry you’ve been through it twice 😔. I had never even heard of it until it happened to me. I will keep an eye and if I don’t feel my body is doing what it needs to I will go to the doctors.

I am in a bit of a conundrum, I have a weeks annual leave starting 7Th, we are due to go to Paris and as long as I’m physically ok I’d like to go as I feel it is right for my mental well-being, however I worry if I get signed off for a number of weeks which is what I feel I need, that they will frown upon me if they know I’ve left the country - although it’s what my mental health requires.

thank you for the tips hun, I think I need to pour into my cup as you say and do small things to help me heal. I think I’ll also look into some counselling. Xxx

@SPink91 i also found the Miscarriage Association charity to be helpful. Theres lots of info on their website. Ive yet to ring them though.

Dont worry about work. We as a nation worry far too much about our work. If you left tomorrow they would replace u in a heartbeat. Get signed off and dont feel guilty about it. Talk to your doctor about it, they will support you im sure.

@Flowerlover010 definitely agree with this! I was made redundant twice in 14 months - changed how I viewed work as a part of my life, it's no long anywhere near as important to me as I know I am easily disposed of!

@SPink91 it's definitely something women need to be made more aware of for sure. In terms of leaving the country, when you're signed off from work it's because you're unable or unsafe to do your work duties for that period of time. If that's for emotional or mental health, there's no reason you couldn't travel even if you aren't able to work. Perhaps just keep it off social media if that makes you more comfortable. Outside that they don't need to know if you go or not.

Counselling is also a great shout - I always forget to suggest it because I've been in and out of therapy for years for a few different things but I always find it helpful xx

Look after yourself and grieve exactly how you need to (as long as it is not harmful of course), if that’s a holiday and then being signed off work that is fine. Mental health needs different treatment to a broken leg or flu.

I didn’t handle it very well, I should have been far more selfish and taken better care of myself. My now XH did not handle my grief well, worried about the neighbour (single man, total arse) getting cross if I cried too loudly, called the police claiming I was a risk to myself when I tried going out in the car instead. Church we were in at the time just thought I should get over it, lots of ‘god’s will’ talk. My father decided it was a good time to end his 40 year marriage to my mother who ended up leaning heavily on me for support. I ended up on antidepressants I didn’t want because of other peoples attitudes to my grief and anger at the situation. Hope you are surrounded with more supportive family and friends.

I did go on to have my DD, now 8, before leaving XH for continuing emotional abuse and controlling behaviour when she was 2.

Hi All,

an update - called the EPU this morning, they were mortified that neither the private scan nor the GP had referred me. I’m not supposed to be able to self refer but she’s unhappy I haven’t been referred and wants to see me so I go in tomorrow. I still have bled much, so they may need to help push me forward but she did warn they will have to scan and then potentially go back to scan again before they intervene.

@Flowerlover010 Thanks hun, I will have a look into that charity :-)

@moosey89 You are absolutely right, and as a manager I would say the same to my team. I’m not 100% sure I’ll physically be up to going but I’m going to wait until say Thursday to cross that bridge! I have been to therapy because and it’s honestly a god send, just very expensive!!

@SorryIDoNotKnowThatOne Oh my goodness, it sounds like you had a really tough time, I’m so sorry to hear that, but very happy to hear you went onto have a successful pregnancy. At the moment I’m filled with numbness, it’s so strange, but I think it’s because I’m so concentrated on the physical! I am very grateful to have a wonderful support system, my BF has been a real blessing, I know I’m very lucky.

@SorryIDoNotKnowThatOne my story isn't as bad as yours, but my ex husband gaslit me, telling me he wasn't able to grieve because was too busy supporting me, thought I was being over dramatic/selfish etc too. The miscarriage was the start of the end of our relationship. Plus my mum had a breakdown at the same time and turned up on my doorstep wanting somewhere to stay the day after surgical management (she didn't know I was pregnant/miscarried and when I told her then and there she didn't have any reaction, just a blank face, then went into a rant about how she 'just wanted someone to care' about her. I completely lost it and had a full on panic attack). Not a good time in my recent-ish life, and I also ended up on antidepressants.

I'm very lucky that this time around I'm supported by a wonderful partner, brilliant and understanding friends and it's a very different experience. I feel like I'm recovering much better this time around.

@SPink91 definitely make the decision only when you have to, I have been up and down and felt much better than expected some days. I'm lucky that in my area we have an NHS scheme called 'Mind Matters' which is self referral to therapy, I had a 3-4 week wait before I got a call to arrange an appointment (I was pregnant at the time so counted as priority!).

@moosey89 Thanks honey, I have an appointment at the EPU tomorrow, not sure if you saw my update but I called them this AM as I’ve been cramping since Thurs and bleeding since fri with no real event, they were disgusted that the private clinic and the GP hadn’t referred me and while they don’t do self referral she was so kind and booked me anyway as she said I should be under their care. They will scan and bloods tomo then if they see the same as the private scan I’ll have to go home and go back a week later so they can then medically help push me along if I still need it x

@SPink91 I'm so glad the EPU are helping - I agree it's mad that the GP and private clinic didn't refer you! Hopefully it resolves quickly either way. Really sorry you're having to go through this, just know you're not alone and there's lots of us here who give each other support and virtual hugs when needed x

i Think I’ve just passed the tissue 😭, I will call the EPU in the morning and see if they still want to see me. They did say they want me to do a test in the morning and if negative I won’t need to go in.

@SPink91 so sorry....hope you're ok. i would just still go to EPU tomorow because they will scan u to ensure its fully passed. Just tell them when u get there u think u might have passed it now. Its good to be scanned anyway as u dont want any retained products

@Flowerlover010 So I tested pregnant still this morning which wasn’t a surprise, but very horrible to do. Anyway I called the clinic, they think I have miscarried now but they’re worried about the time it took and the pain, said it could suggest it was stuck so they want to scan me but said today is too soon after the event so we’ve moved it to next Wednesday.

In the meantime I have asked my doctor to sign me off for 3-4 weeks to allow me to complete this process but then also do some grieving before I go back to managing 15+ people and travelling up and down the country every week, as I know as soon as I go back my well-being will go out the window and I will be in work mode, which means I won’t grieve and it will bite me on the ass months later.

@@SPink91 im glad they agreed to still scan you as it is important to check its all passed. So glad you have taken the time off work too, so important. Look after yourself x

@Flowerlover010 honestly the EPU have been beyond helpful, I can’t fault them - it’s a shame it took me to call them direct to get the support I needed but hey Ho!

Yes, I think it’s super important. I’m trying to urge my BF to also take some time off, as I know he isn’t doing so great either.

Glad you are taking some time off, hope your BF does too. Hope all goes well at the EPU and you can put the physical side of things behind you at least.

@SorryIDoNotKnowThatOne

thank you! Doctor has signed me off for a month, seems a lot and I may go back before then depending on how I feel. I’m still currently passing lots of clots so I dunno what that means? Hoping and praying I’m physically feeling better for our trip, although it won’t be as easy as if nothing happened, it’s so important to my step daughter id hate to not go. My BFs work haven’t been so considerate unfortunately x