Single mom by choice?

[Lisachloe32]

Hello I’m Lisa I’m 32 I’m on here basically for some advice I’ve recently been told by my doctor I may be going through premature menopause after having a series of symptoms I’m currently being checked for this however it wouldn’t be shocking as it happened with my mom.

I’ve always wanted children and my doctor has advised a number of things however I have wondered about going through ivf alone and doing it with donor sperm.

I haven’t been in a relationship for two years after leaving a abusive one. I’m on dating sites currently but it’s just terrible most of the guys on there are interested in one thing and most of them live so far away from me the one guy I am speaking to seems such a bore he also admitted he gets angry very easy and I’m scared I’ll be putting myself back in the same position I was in two years ago. I think right now my priority is having a baby and I feel I could always date later on and not feeling like I’m rushing myself.

has anyone ever done a single by choice or know anyone that’s doing it I’m just looking for advice

My sons father passed away before he was born and I raised him alone.
He is 15 this year.
I have tried dating but have been hurt massively and it does have a mental impact onthe child believe me.
By all means go it alone but realise when it comes to dating later on it will still be just as hard.

Financially too it is tough.
Make sure you are mentally and physically prepared but don't doubt yourself.
I did and my friends and family have always said I am an amazing mum, my son is themost loving kind hearted and clever boy too.

I haven't, but one friend has (another in the process) and 3 acquaintances have done. They seem to be delighted. I was considering it before I met my partner (aged 39).

I followed The Stork and I on Instagram and Facebook. There's also the Donor Conception network and maybe something called Single Mothers by Choice?

One thing that has struck me is how strong the networks are - everywhere in the country there are SMBC, they do meet-ups etc and it seems like a hugely supportive community.

I'm a SMBC. You'll find more stuff on the IVF/donor sections of mumsnet. I've got two girls and am currently expecting a son, all with (same) donor.
I've no regrets, but it's not for everyone, and financially it's a killer.
The first thing is to freeze your eggs. Then think about whether you want to do this now, or wait until you are older/in a different situation/may have found a partner. 32 is younger than most to embark on this, but that's not a reason not to if you are set on it.

I take my hat off to you my mom was a single mom and there was 5 of us my father has never been part of my life I’ve only met the man once and it wasn’t a very pleasant meeting

im not expecting it to be easy I know it’s going to be a very difficult road by I do know it’ll be worth it

That’s a really nice thing to hear sometimes what you lose in a partner can be made up with friends support

I can’t see me meeting someone and if I did they would have to accept I want a child within the next 12 months.

do you mind me asking how old you are? And how you make things work?

Yes. There's no denying it's challenging but for many women it's preferable to reliance on a partner.

Obviously have a strong financial position helps as does having a good network of family and friends, and local community.

I'm 41. Had my daughters at 38 and (almost) 40.
Luckily (!) I had a mass of good quality eggs frozen when I was 31 on NHS as a part of cancer treatment, so getting pregnant at whatever age has never been a real consideration, although I didn't want to leave it really late.
It's hard, not being able to share every little thing your child starts doing with someone who's interested, but the financials and never ever having a break are the hardest bits. I do worry about one of my kids having SEN, which I think would push me over the edge, and not being able to support them as adults as I was (generous help with uni, house deposit etc). Ultimately my girls are easy children, and I have taken to motherhood easily. It's just always been what I have wanted to do and I've no regrets. I think I'm pretty unusual though, at least in having 3 in less than 3 years by this route! Ask me in 10 and 20 years time about it. It's all a whirl, but I love my kids more than anything and right now wouldn't change anything.

I’m happy for you I think my main concern is possibly giving birth alone most of my friends and family that I’ve spoke to have said they know they wouldn’t cope if they were there but I suppose I wouldn’t be the first or last to give birth alone.

im honestly not expecting it to be easy my mom raised 5 kids alone from a young age and my sister even though she has a partner she’s doing it very much alone with my nephews who are both special needs.

do you have any plans to date or will you stay single until there older?

No plans to date until they are in at least their teens, ideally out of the house!

I think that if it's now or never and alone then absolutely go for it. Being a mum is a wonderful experience and you are certainty able and strong enough mentally to do it. I have 3 children on my own, dad not interested and although it's tough it's wonderful and something I absolutely would of regretted had I not had the opportunity. X

there is a big community I have two children now via iui and clinic. I don’t regret my decision and am in a place that I can afford to have two children as a solo parent.

We have gone on holiday with a group of solo mums and has play dates etc. I do have support via family and friends as well.

I had my DS via donor sperm after similar health issues. It is worth considering embryos freeze much better than eggs (or more to the point, defrost much better).

Im still on maternity leave but I am so grateful I was able to do things this way. I’d like another (well in reality I’d like 3 or 4 children but know that’s not doable for me) and think in many ways it’s easier than ‘managing’ an unsupportive partner.

ultimately my decision came down to knowing I’d never regret my child but would massively regret things if I never had children.

I think if you want a child in the next year it's preferable, to be honest, to go it alone if you can afford it, rather than saddle yourself with a partner you have tried to secure in a rush - particularly if you've already had experience of an abusive relationship. I say that having had to rush to find a partner for the same reason but much later in life. I felt sure I'd found a good one but I really hadn't. In retrospect, I would say it's very difficult to tell that anyway, in such a short time scale. Much easier to do it alone than have all the hassle of breaking up and all the issues with access etc to sort out.