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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Telling a friend going through ivf

21 replies

MamOMam · 23/07/2023 07:19

Hi all,
DESPERATELY after some advice….. we’ve just found out, as in yesterday that we are pregnant with our third, only a couple of weeks according to clear blue. We were really shocked as although we haven’t used protection at times, we had IVF ICSI after failing for years to get pregnant with our ds1 and then fell pregnant with our ds2 naturally but while I was bf so assumed hormones etc had something to do with it, clearly not!

we are going on holiday with some of our closest friend in a week and I have no idea whether to tell them or not. They have been trying for a year and are now going through IVF. Do we tell them before we go or not? And try and hide not drinking……. Which will be difficult. They know we were trying and that we weren’t closed off to the idea of more children but I also feel like they might need some space away from us so telling them before a holiday could be the worst idea.

many advice at all would be greatly received!

many thanks xxxxx

OP posts:
Bumbers · 23/07/2023 07:22

I would tell them ASAP (via a message, not in person/via a call) so they ha e time to process on their own. They will notice you not drinking and know/suspect the reason - don't let them find out on holiday with no space to process.

TidyDancer · 23/07/2023 07:28

Oh this is hard. If there was any feasible way to hide it for the holiday then I would. Are you big drinkers? Tbh I think this is likely to make it very difficult for them if they find out now so close to it or on the holiday itself.

Definitely don't do a big thing of telling them. This has come up a lot on here for obvious reasons and being told by text message has generally been the best way to hear potentially difficult news. You have time to process it in private that way.

If you had longer before the holiday then I'd say tell them now for sure. But this is tricky.

Addicted2Sugar · 23/07/2023 07:30

The fact that you have gone through the IVF process previously yourself, will I'm sure soften the blow. Have faith, they will be fine with it.
You are lovely to be considering them.
When I was going through IVF my sister in law told us that she was pregnant. I was thrilled for her, a little jealous as well. I said "Thanks for telling us so early on, I know that must have been difficult because of our journey" I am still haunted to this day by her look of shock , it hadn't occurred to her!
I felt a right self absorbed idiot.

Original poster
MamOMam · 23/07/2023 08:04

Thank you, much appreciated. It’s so difficult 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
MamOMam · 23/07/2023 08:07

We do like a drink…. But I’ve never been good in the heat so holding onto this…. I totally understand your point about letting them deal with it privately but also feel it’s a little impersonal and that we’re close enough that I should tell her/them to their face….. it’s such a hard situation. I’m going to tell another friend and ask her advice I feel I need to gather and try and decide as if we’re going to tell them it has to be in the next couple of days, I am definitely honking not to tell them though. Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
MamOMam · 23/07/2023 08:08

Totally a valid point and this is what I thought about them finding out while we’re away that would horrendous!!!! And spoil it for them I just know it. Thank you!

OP posts:
Bumbers · 23/07/2023 08:09

Honestly - whenever they find out, face to face is generally the worst way. Search for threads on here.

Overthebow · 23/07/2023 08:11

You need to tell them before you go away. They will likely guess on holiday if you’re not drinking and not feeling yourself, and that would be really bad.

Gardenlady543 · 23/07/2023 08:13

MamOMam · 23/07/2023 08:07

We do like a drink…. But I’ve never been good in the heat so holding onto this…. I totally understand your point about letting them deal with it privately but also feel it’s a little impersonal and that we’re close enough that I should tell her/them to their face….. it’s such a hard situation. I’m going to tell another friend and ask her advice I feel I need to gather and try and decide as if we’re going to tell them it has to be in the next couple of days, I am definitely honking not to tell them though. Thank you!

This will be your third child though and presumedly they are going through IVF for their first, as someone that has gone through years of IVF and faced a potentially childless life, triggers are really hard. Being told someone is pregnant (especially with a third child) isn't something I would have wanted someone to do face to face, it's important to give them space to process this. Maybe they are different, I don't know but it's a lot for them to take on. They may not want to go away with you, and that's completely their choice. I wouldn't have wanted to go on a holiday with a pregnant person when I was doing IVF. Also don't hide it for the holiday, I would have felt really deceived if someone did this.

Libelula21 · 23/07/2023 08:14

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP

When you go on holiday with them
you will be less than 4 weeks pregnant?

Say nowt, wisest course. You can say you’ve been doing Dry July and feel the benefits, lots of people doing sobriety these days.

Libelula21 · 23/07/2023 08:16

Or saying you’re trying for another, it starts to prepare the ground.

4 weeks in is too early imv. If you had the sadness to miscarry you’d potentially upset your friend twice over if you told them x

staybyyou · 23/07/2023 08:26

Tell them, before you go and not face to face. She will guess in an instant if you don't tell her, and then she will be obsessing over it for the duration of the holiday trying to 'notice signs'. Telling her is the kindest thing you can do, and then not making a huge deal about it when you're there. Congratulations OP!!

CR7 · 23/07/2023 08:28

Libelula21 · 23/07/2023 08:16

Or saying you’re trying for another, it starts to prepare the ground.

4 weeks in is too early imv. If you had the sadness to miscarry you’d potentially upset your friend twice over if you told them x

Totally agree with this. It's too early x

CR7 · 23/07/2023 08:30

Regardless of what you decide to do, don't do it face to face. I had a four year ivf journey in which it seemed like everyone I knew got pregnant. It was impossibly hard when people told me their news face to face.

Whataretheodds · 23/07/2023 08:43

CR7 · 23/07/2023 08:28

Totally agree with this. It's too early x

Show quote history

Yep.

Unless you know from your previous 2 pregnancies that you're likely to spend the week 🤢 at the sight of food, then I wouldn't.

Or similarly - is there going to be a charcuterie plate every day, will you have to opt out of SCUBA every day, or otherwise do thing that will signify pregnancy without telling her?

If it's just booze, wait to see if the pregnancy is viable.

Otherwise she'll potentially have to put on a brave face every day.

JenniferBarkley · 23/07/2023 09:07

I would message and explain you're telling them because they'll guess on holiday so you'd rather just say now. But that it's very early and you wouldn't be telling them if not for the holiday so you don't want to be making a big deal or talking a lot about it yet.

That's what I did when spending Christmas with a cousin who had been unable to conceive with his wife and his mother who was less than sensitive about that. Any time they mentioned the pregnancy I just said "thanks but it's so early I don't want to get ahead of ourselves" and changed the topic.

Awful to say nothing and have them realise while on holiday and unable to get a bit of space to process.

cherrypied · 23/07/2023 10:54

From an unsuccessful ivf experience and 3 miscarriages and i have no children

Send a text. She will tell. Tell her and only her not the whole group as there is nothing worse than a whole group of people gushing about the prefancy excitedly.

Don't lie and say you are ttc as id immediately cotton in that you were pregnant when we were on hols.

"Hi Amber, I've had a bit of a surprise and found out i'm 6 weeks pregnant. I haven't told anyone else yet and don't plan doing until we are past 12 weeks but I thought you'd want to know, even tho its very early days xxx"

she doesn't need to know it was planned and i'd keep it as a total surprise.

Amyjones86 · 23/07/2023 11:38

Completely agree with @cherrypied response. Absolutely do not tell them in person. They will be so happy for you but at the same time, sad for themselves. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy @MamOMam X

Original poster
MamOMam · 23/07/2023 13:59

She does know we have been trying for the last year 👍 it seems to be most people say message her thanks

OP posts:
UsernamePain · 23/07/2023 14:04

My friend and I were in a similar position. I text her a few days before I told the rest of my friends in our group chat. I found out later that another friend had told her face to face over a meal the year before and she had found it really difficult to hide her upset, and found the whole situation really difficult to deal with. I really wouldn’t wait until the holiday, it could cause tension between you all.

CR7 · 23/07/2023 14:11

I think whatever you decide to do, don't tell her face to face. Give her the moment to take it in without you watching x

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