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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

To think my pregnancy is none of FIL’s business

13 replies

CrazyCatMom · 20/07/2023 13:53

I’m currently 6+0 with DH and I’s first.

I haven’t spoken to FIL since DH and I got married in September last year - FIL’s wife behaved appallingly at our wedding (shouted at DH before ceremony, started an argument with DH’s aunt during my speech) and FIL refused to accept she was in the wrong when we asked for an apology afterwards.

DH has stayed in contact with his dad as he is his only living parent, but can’t stand his wife. FIL has made no effort to see/spend time with me since the wedding (a shame as we were close before he met his wife).

I think that if FIL can’t be bothered with me, then the baby I am growing is none of his concern either. DH is desperate to tell him but I have asked him to wait at least until after our early scan next week - but I don’t want FIL to be involved with my baby as he seems to have no time/respect for me. DH says denying him access to his grandchild is unfair but imho we come as a package 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 20/07/2023 13:56

Hmm. The trouble is, the baby comes as a package with your dh too. If you think there's nothing you can do to repair your relationship (are you sure-you say you were close before) then don't see him- but I don't think you can stop your dh letting him be involved with the baby.

Blackbyrd · 20/07/2023 13:57

Congratulations firstly, I hope you keep safe and well. Surely the question is would you like to have a relationship with your FIL again or do you feel that would be impossible ?

Ohmylovejune · 20/07/2023 13:57

What happened wasn't nice but equally it's not enough in my book to fall.out completely over. Both things, wedding and baby, are very emotional times for you so it's possibly easy to over react.

You could see this as a new start even though your relationship is unlikely to ever be as close as it was.

The amount they are involved can be determined by you but they should be told.

I would wait for the 12 week scan if that's a thing nowadays but I'm old fashioned and come from an era when 12 weeks was considered the safe point to tell people. That may well have changed now.

OnSilverStars · 20/07/2023 13:59

It's still his grandchild even if you don't like his wife. Feel like you're being purposely stubborn and awkward. And for what?

Pkhsvd · 20/07/2023 14:00

Your pregnancy may not be his his business but your baby is both yours and DHs and as much as I can imagine it hurts you about your fil you can’t deny your DH having his dad involved once the baby is born.

abbmebtdab · 20/07/2023 14:01

I absolutely understand that you feel angry and upset by him but to be quite Frank, just because you are growing the baby, doesn't mean its only yours your FIL has ever right to see and spend time with his grandchild whether you like him and his wife or not

Original poster

CrazyCatMom · 20/07/2023 14:01

As long as he is married to his narcissistic wife then I can’t see things changing. She has behaved so badly - verbally abusive to DH and I before the wedding on multiple occasions and then her actions on our wedding day. Tbh I think she is quite controlling of FIL’s life/finances eg she has sold her car and he often cannot meet with DH these days as she is using his, has taken down all pictures of DH’s late mother in the family home etc

She is not DH’s “stepmother” (they have only been together 3 years) so nothing to do with either of us, and after having her foster kids removed by SS not someone I would want around my child , but I also know that FIL will insist that she be involved.

OP posts:

CC4712 · 20/07/2023 14:02

Congrats! I'd wait till the 20 week scan. It gives you and DH both more time to decide what you both want to do, plus more time to test the waters in terms of seeing FIL. Do you want a relationship with him again and the wife?

CurlewKate · 20/07/2023 14:26

A bit of a drip feed! Why were the foster children removed?

Original poster

CrazyCatMom · 20/07/2023 14:29

@CurlewKate to be honest I don’t know why they were removed as I am not in a position to ask. This was shortly after she met FIL, before they moved in together (she had to sell her house as lost income from fostering and no private pension due to divorce).

I work quite closely with social workers due to my own profession and I’m confident that they wouldn’t have removed them without reasonable grounds

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 20/07/2023 18:14

It's a difficult one. I see why you don't want them involved, but your DH still has a relationship with his father. I'd probably let the FIL be active in the child's life via your DH (so either FIL comes and visits you guys, or as the child gets older DH & FIL meet with the child). I wouldn’t want the wife involved though. Maybe you could ask your DH to hold off on telling his father until the 12 week scan and then over the following 6 months ye can come up with a plan depending on how FIL behaves during that time?

TinyTeacher · 20/07/2023 21:39

I can't see the harm in him knowing. I have always left it up to DH when he told his relatives and I chose when I tell mine. Telling him doesn't give him any particular rights.

Will be actually want to be involved? He might not.... you can always deal with that as and when problems occur. It's not like you have to give them unsupervised access to your baby, but if DH wants a relationship with his father you can't unilaterally decide to go NC.

Wenfy · 20/07/2023 21:43

To be frank he doesn’t have to give a damn about you to be a good grandad. His relationship with your child is totally seperate to you. If he wants to see his gc then just let your DH facilitate it / do all the work.

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