12+4 weeks pregnant (accident) and having doubts

[KellyJellyfish]

My partner (37M) and me (33F) never planned on having children, but got accidentally pregnant even though I had an IUD, which I hear is quite rare!

Because the IUD stops periods I didn’t actually know I was pregnant until very recently (no morning sickness or other symptoms, found out during a routine GP visit)

So I’ve gone from hearing the GP say ‘it’s a positive result’ to seeing a 12 week old baby on the scan in the space of about a week.

Needless to say this has caused mixed emotions for us, we haven’t really had time to process anything, and never expected to be as far along as this when we found out.

We’re both pro choice, but are struggling with what to do. While we never planned on having a child, we are also in a fortunate position where we could have one without it wrecking our lives (financially mostly ok, very good family support network, house is large enough, stable relationship, flexible work arrangements etc), so we don’t have a classic ‘reason’ for an abortion either.

I’ve never been one of these Childfree (TM) types who loudly boats about hating kids and wants their tubes tied ASAP. At worst I’ve always been ambivalent towards the thought of having kids, swinging neither one way or the other particularly strongly, but I have an 18 month niece who I adore. My partner is more in the no kids camp, but again not because he hates them but because he fears the impact it would have on our lives (sadly his sister became very ill after her son with PND and then an ME/CFS type illness and she’s still mostly housebound 8 years later, it’s definitely affected him)

He’s supportive but very scared, especially for me and my health (I’m depressive and PND runs in the family, I also have a thyroid disease).

He wants to make sure we’re keeping it for the right reasons, but it’s hard to know what that means. I don’t think anyone I know had a child for the ‘right’ reasons, whatever that means. They either had them because Instagram sold them a fairytale, or because parents wanted grandbabies, or because ‘it’s just what you do’, or the call of the ticking clock. Are any of those ‘right’ reasons? Anyways, it seemed to work out ok for them all in the end.

Like it or not, we are pregnant now, so the choice is whether to continue or not, and while I am pro choice this is a little further along than I’d have liked tbh.

I’m leaning towards keeping the baby, I think we can manage and who knows it may be the best thing that’s ever happened to us. But partner’s fears are equally valid, it’s not going to be easy and I can’t guarantee baby will be healthy or I won’t get sick.

One big concern we both have right now is how we feel. I thought we would both feel… something by now (although we haven’t known for very long), but I feel very detached from the whole thing, like I’m looking at someone else’s scan and this isn’t real. Partner feels the same, has anyone else experienced this? Is it normal to have no strong feelings?

Sorry for the rambling post, bless you if you read it all!

When I fell pregnant unexpectedly I wasn't sure if I wanted the baby or not. My dp at the time didn't want the child but as much as I wasn't ready to have a baby ( I was 20) I new I couldn't have an abortion. It's one of the hardest decisions I had to make but new I was making the right one.
You have to do what is right by you and no one can tell you what decision to make.
Having a child for the right reasons means it's what you want.
You can't say for sure you won't suffer from pnd but there is help out there if you do.
I am pro choice and if you get an abortion cos you feels it's the right decision that's fine, also if you choose to keep the baby that's fine. I wish I could tell you the right answer but I can't.

Thank you for your reply.

There is no easy choice here, I’ve experienced a pregnancy scare (negative test luckily) in the past with an ex and that felt completely different, I knew I didn’t want that to be my life, not at that age with that man, before I’d started my career and without a house. Now it’s different, while I was panicked at finding out initially (mostly shock, and fear about ectopic pregnancy because of the IUD) I no longer feel dread, if this were to be my future I’m sure it would all work out eventually.

I also have no doubt that an abortion would not be easy for me, ending it as far along as it is, knowing that we probably would have been alright keeping it, having to keep it a secret from everyone (family wouldn’t kick us out, but they would be very sad), it’s a lot.

Partner is looking way ahead into the future and worrying about every single possibility, I’m more focused on the present and making it to the next step.

I think we can do this, I just wish we had stronger feelings one way or the other, instead of feeling not much at all.

Having a child is hard but at the end of the day most people figure it out okay. You sound like you're both fairly together and I'm sure you would too. Don't let your partner overthink it.
It felt real for me from when I felt the kicks, but my NCT friend didn't feel it until the baby was in their arms. Others will feel attached from day 1. All normal.
Lots of people with depression have children, lots of people develop PND, there's support for these. You have some risk factors but also some factors on the other side of the see-saw, good family support and financial stability. It's rare to live with serious physical health conditions as a result of pregnancy.
I think most people find it hard to say why they wanted children because when it came to it they just did - no real rationale. I'm 100% pro choice but I sense you don't want an abortion, it's okay to not have a reason, you can just want to have the baby more than you want an abortion. That is a valid reason.

ive had a termination in the past and now have 2 children (well, a toddler and a baby). i have zero regrets about my termination because it was wrong person, wrong time etc etc BUT it has really stuck with me, not a day goes by that i don’t think about it and i wouldn’t do it again in all honesty. but a lot of people have terminations and don’t feel that way so there’s two sides to the coin i suppose. all i’ll say is if you do go for one and get a surgical termination i’d really recommend asking for anaesthetic as they did mine with just gas and air and it was an awful experience.

as for having a baby - of course your life changes but not as much as i think you expect? small babies are very portable, you can still do all sorts with them - i’d say crawling stage through to about 20 months is quite rough and full on because they’re learning independence and just want to run their own show all day, but after about 2 it’s (in my opinion) just like having a little best friend. they’re hard work but incredible. your life will change but they do change it for the better imo, there’s nothing better than waking up to a little grinning face waiting to say hello to you, even if it is 5am!

i think the biggest problem with adding a child to your life is the childcare aspect - can you afford nursery fees to go back to work? will you still want to go back to work (you might say yes now but the hormones hit you like a ton of bricks once they’re here), do you have family who would babysit if you wanted a date night etc etc all those things change how much it’ll impact the life you have

Hey OP. Sorry you and your partner are going through this. Its a tough decision and unfortunately one with a time constraint. My now husband and I experienced an unplanned pregnancy about 5 years ago. We struggled with it for a number of reasons: it wasn't planned at all, we both worked but definitely wouldn't have said we were 'financially stable', we couldn't imagine life with a child, however we also knew that we would ultimately love the child and make it work. But we chose to terminate.

5 years on we are married,house, better jobs, and are actively planning our future family. We know we want children... and not because Instagram told us. If you think that's why most people want children, you're wrong. The more our relationship grew the more we could see parental points in eachother, and we worked to build a foundation (financially) that we could give the much longed for child a great life. My DH excitedly talks about taking kids to a park or soft play etc.

In terms of healthcare, unless there is a real risk of the child or mother becoming ill I'm not sure it's a major factor (certainly not for me anyway). What happened your partner's sister is awful, but is probably a very low possibility. In terms of your own mental health, it seems you could become depressive whether you have a baby or not and hopefully you have friends and family in place who can help you through that.

I absolutely do not regret my termination. But we both knew in our hearts we didn't want that baby, we couldn’t give it a good life.

This is a tough decision, and only you and your partner can make it. Please mind yourself whatever your decision may be.

Hi @KellyJellyfish I’m also 12 weeks pregnant and ours was unplanned too (although found out straight away as I felt totally different physically, and have had a terrible first trimester re sickness etc). We also erred towards not having kids for similar reasons, but also due to real anxiety about the world and our future in it.

What helped me was to turn totally inwards for a few days and get in touch with what was happening and how I felt - without the noise of theoretical outcomes (as there are always logical arguments both ways). I spent a long time walking in nature and tried to connect to this growing child, as well as how I really felt about terminating - emotionally not academically. We’re also super pro-choice and my partner was defo leaning towards not wanting to carry on the pregnancy at first, for context.

Agree with other posters that it’s ultimately up to you and your partner and no one else can tell you to do what’s right for you, but one thing I’d emphasise is that it might help you to park the possibilities of “what if I develop x” or “what if we hate it” and just lean into how you feel now.

If you come out of that process feeling totally horrified at the prospect of a baby, then that might be your answer. Yet if there’s any part of you that wants to keep it, I’d definitely listen to that.

For me I realised I felt uncontrollable grief when I actually grappled with the real idea of going through with a termination and that was the decision made. Should qualify that was my experience and I appreciate you might not experience something in such a big way.

Since making the decision to go ahead I’ve totally embraced it (albeit scary at times, and I still shudder if people congratulate me), which has in turn helped my partner, and we’re super happy we made the decision.

As I said, just sharing my experience. I think once you make a decision one way or the other it’ll be right for you. Theres not a wrong outcome here - just what feels right.

Feel free to dm me if it helps!

Thank you, good to know it’s working out :)