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Original poster

Paternity leave

30 replies

Okdaisy · 18/07/2023 20:48

I am pregnant with my first baby and my husband gets 2 months paternity leave which he can take any time over the year. If you've had a baby before, how long ideally would you have liked your partner to have had off on paternity leave initially?
We are debating whether to go with the usual 2 weeks initially after the birth or longer (possibly 3 or 4 weeks)? We want to save as much as possible for visiting family, but equally don't want him to rush back quicker than I might feel ready, given we have the option for him to stay home longer. So I'd be grateful for people's experiences!

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bravotango · 18/07/2023 20:51

I had my DH at home for 6 weeks which was perfect, any less I would have really struggled. They have growth spurts (the babies! Not the husband's..) at around week 3 and week 6, and if you're BFing that's hard going. Then he'd have a couple of weeks leftover for later on right?

justaweenamechange · 18/07/2023 20:56

I would have really liked him to stay home for 3 weeks if he could have.

Any longer and I think I might have gotten a bit dependent, but 3 weeks would have been really nice.

buzzlightyearsgloves · 18/07/2023 20:58

I think it really depends on what type of person you are. Having my DP around for more than a couple of days fills me with dread, I was ready to get into a routine with him back at work. However more codependent people may like having someone there. If you're the latter what about 4 weeks at the start and 4 weeks for visiting people?

NovemberRainbow · 18/07/2023 21:00

Totally depends on the birth I think. I had a straight forward delivery and husband was only able to be home for 2 weeks, I would have really appreciated 3 weeks. However, if I would have had an emergency caesarean I would have probably wanted him home for 6 weeks.

Do you have to decide before baby arrives? Might be worth waiting until after birth if not.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 18/07/2023 21:03

I think it depends a lot on the birth and the baby. My husband has only ever been able to take 2 weeks. With one child that was fine, I was more than ready for him to go back. The other baby was ‘harder’, I really could have done with another couple of weeks with dh home.

Reugny · 18/07/2023 21:04

I had a month together with DP.
Other couples we know had 6 weeks.

You really want him to spend some weeks preferably a couple of months looking after your LO completely on his own in the day. (Even a day a week until they start school is good enough.)

In regards to visiting family - they should be visiting you. It is hard work with all the nappies, change of clothes, etc to visit people if they live a few hours away.

SouthwestSis · 18/07/2023 21:22

It really depends I think what kind of a delivery you end up having and what other local support you have from friends and family (the kind you are happy to see you half dressed and very emotional).
Actually there's not a huge amount for a dad to do in the early days other than support your recovery, especially if you are establishing breastfeeding.

My husband took shared parental leave and he had 2 weeks starting on day 3 when I was discharged from hospital, then another 6 weeks once baby was around 2months old, and another 8 weeks when I was returning to work when baby was 9months old. That worked really well for us and I really appreciated the way it broke up my mat leave a bit!

Original poster
Okdaisy · 18/07/2023 21:25

Thanks everyone, really helpful to hear about your experiences. It sounds like 3 or 4 weeks might be the way to go. He needs to state his intention for taking it but I think he'd be able to change it if needed, like if there were any complications or I needed a section.

We will have family visiting in the early days, but as they mostly live abroad we want to go and spend some time there in the spring or summer once we've hopefully got into the swing of parenting!

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CrispAppleStrudels · 18/07/2023 21:31

My DH only got 2 weeks pat leave at the time and our little one was very poorly after her birth, so his pat leave finished before she was even discharged 😢 But in an ideal world, we were planning for him to have 4 weeks (pat leave + annual leave) off immediately after the birth and then some more time (unpaid) when she was around 3months to go and visit family elsewhere.

Babybabybabyy · 18/07/2023 21:34

I think 3 weeks would have been a lot more helpful than 2. I had a csection and at the 2 week mark it was still quite a struggle to even manage to get myself up, showered, dressed etc.. without the added complications of a baby/feeding to deal with! I cried the first week my husband was back at work because my mum (who is generally really helpful) clearly had no concept of what I was dealing with and suggested we go out for lunch. She came to pick me up and texted to say she was outside. I hadn’t even been able to shower because I couldn’t do it all myself and I so desperately just wanted her to come in for an hour first so I could get ready 🙈 You do start to get more organised and really simplify your day. I started sitting out mine and my baby’s outfit the night before and would just abandon any possibility of showering in the morning so anything like that I wanted to do I’d do at night.

Id say go for 3 weeks!

Original poster
Okdaisy · 18/07/2023 21:49

@CrispAppleStrudels ah that must have been really tough 😥

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Original poster
Okdaisy · 18/07/2023 21:53

@Babybabybabyy yeah I'm now thinking at least 3 weeks. Luckily I do have my mum nearby as well, but I guess I'll find out how helpful I find her when the time comes!

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gogomoto · 18/07/2023 21:59

2 months is amazing! It was the day of the birth compassionate leave when I had mine! After a couple of days he went back, first dd my mum was there, second dc just me and both dc by day 3 and it was fine, not sure i would have wanted him fussing about or getting in the way getting dd1 overexcited. Just me maybe but I found it easier on my own in the early days because I didn't have to do things

gogomoto · 18/07/2023 22:00

@buzzlightyearsgloves

Not just me then! Thought I was literally the only person who doesn't get paternity leave

Babybabybabyy · 18/07/2023 22:01

@Okdaisy i think people around you often get swept along in the excitement of a new baby and kind of forget you are physically healing as well as dealing with a million other things at the same time. You just need to spell it out to them I think instead of getting yourself upset and trying to do it all (like I did) 🙈

toddlermum27 · 18/07/2023 22:03

Really depends on the birth/ newborn days (whether there are any issues with your recovery, baby's feeding etc) - but my husband had the same paternity leave second time round, we had a straightforward experience and we chose for him to have 4 weeks in one block at the start, and then one day a week to use the remaining 4 weeks. Worked well for us.

fireflyloo · 18/07/2023 22:05

My dh was at home for just over 3 weeks due to dc being born and then Xmas holidays. I was ready for him to go back so that I could get myself into a routine.

SittinOnTheDock · 18/07/2023 22:11

buzzlightyearsgloves · 18/07/2023 20:58

I think it really depends on what type of person you are. Having my DP around for more than a couple of days fills me with dread, I was ready to get into a routine with him back at work. However more codependent people may like having someone there. If you're the latter what about 4 weeks at the start and 4 weeks for visiting people?

I don't think it's codependent to want your partner around for more than a couple of days after giving birth! Even if you don't need someone there most people would like time as a family.

OP, I'd have loved to have had my DH there for the first six weeks. If you have a section it will be incredibly helpful while you recover, and also it's a nice stage to spend leisurely lunches etc together as a three.

JenniferBarkley · 18/07/2023 22:50

Are there any restrictions on how he can take it?

My DH took two weeks, and then the next five Wednesdays which broke up the week nicely for me. I had a section and was fine by myself after two weeks, if still taking things easy.

He then took a month shared parental leave when I went back to work, which I'd recommend to anyone. Easier for me to settle back in at work without worrying about the baby, good to rebalance the parenting a little after maternity leave and breastfeeding, and I think nursery settling was easier on them with dad (still Parent B at that stage) rather than mum dropping off.

Original poster
Okdaisy · 19/07/2023 08:09

@JenniferBarkley that sounds good to break the week up. DH has to take his in full weeks, but he'll have his annual leave too so maybe he could use that when he first goes back so he's doing shorter weeks.

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Hufflepods · 19/07/2023 09:27

I would say 3/4 weeks. I ended up having an EMCS could not have functioned on my own after 2 weeks, and I know plenty of women who had vaginal deliveries and felt the same.
Mine took 3 and would have added on annual leave but ended up not needing to as it was still full time WFH so when he returned to work he was still around if I needed help.

Hufflepods · 19/07/2023 09:28

buzzlightyearsgloves · 18/07/2023 20:58

I think it really depends on what type of person you are. Having my DP around for more than a couple of days fills me with dread, I was ready to get into a routine with him back at work. However more codependent people may like having someone there. If you're the latter what about 4 weeks at the start and 4 weeks for visiting people?

It isn't co-dependant for a father to take paternity leave.

In fact its weirder that your partner taking more than a few days off to bond with his newborn "fills you with dread".

Hufflepods · 19/07/2023 09:30

gogomoto · 18/07/2023 22:00

@buzzlightyearsgloves

Not just me then! Thought I was literally the only person who doesn't get paternity leave

Well if you think babies and childcare are women's work then I suppose you won't 'get' paternity leave.

Theshoeswithlaces · 19/07/2023 09:32

My DH took 2 weeks each time and once I was out of hospital and settled it didn't leave a huge amount of time. In your shoes I'd tell him to take 4 weeks initially.

Peony654 · 19/07/2023 09:44

Has he discussed with his work about any restrictions in how he takes it? They might only allow certain configurations I guess. My DH works from home so he'll just have two weeks and we might do some shared parental leave over the summer to have a long holiday, as he's around anyway and works very flexible hours.