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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s rights in hospital?

29 replies

KellyJellyfish · 17/07/2023 15:40

Pregnant with my first (accidental pregnancy), had 12 week scan which showed 3cm submucosal fibroid which may cause problems, I also have hyperthyroidism which can cause problems as well.

I live with the father, but we’d unmarried. We were planning on getting married next summer, but finding out about the pregnancy has made me wonder if it’s worth just getting legally married now (no ceremony) purely so he can be my next of kin/make decisions on my behalf if I am unable to during labour (like if I’m unconscious). Last thing I’d want is for him not to be allowed to speak for me, or worse not even be allowed in the room, just because we’re not legally family.

But perhaps I’m worrying unnecessarily and times have changed to accommodate unmarried couples in hospitals. Obviously I’d prefer to have our real wedding next year! Can anyone shed some light? Thanks

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 17/07/2023 15:42

Name his as next of kin on your medical records. Job done.

Lastusernamecantthinkofanotherone · 17/07/2023 15:44

You can just tell the hospital he is your nok. Usually it will be on your admission forms.

legally you could see a solicitor and get medical power of attorney forms drawn up. Then legally he will be the only person who can make decisions on your behalf, should you not be able to.

allgoodthings84 · 17/07/2023 15:48

I’m not married to my partner (34+2 weeks) he’s named as my next of kin so will be fine apparently

Original poster
KellyJellyfish · 17/07/2023 15:49

Lastusernamecantthinkofanotherone · 17/07/2023 15:44

You can just tell the hospital he is your nok. Usually it will be on your admission forms.

legally you could see a solicitor and get medical power of attorney forms drawn up. Then legally he will be the only person who can make decisions on your behalf, should you not be able to.

Thank you everyone, so does this mean the form when I go into hospital when labour starts? Or something I fill out earlier?

OP posts:
QueenOfWeeds · 17/07/2023 15:51

I was married but for some reason my medical records had me down as Miss <maiden name>.

On my birth preferences/plan, I named him and then included “my husband, and father of the baby” whenever relevant. Not sure if it would count for much, but it made me feel better that anyone dealing with my care would see that I wanted DH included where relevant.

Spottypineapple · 17/07/2023 15:52

Sorry no advice but thank you OP, as we are not married either but this never even occured to me!! Better have a look at what's on the forms....

MySerenity · 17/07/2023 15:55

Your next of kin is whoever you write down.

No one can "make decisions for you" legally unless you've given them power of attorney. This costs a bit of money and some paperwork to sort out.
Otherwise medical decisions are made in your best interests if you haven't got capacity. Your NOK may be asked what they think you would want though.

Paperbagsaremine · 17/07/2023 15:55

The advantage in being married before the baby is born is that the moment baby comes out, your DH will legally be the father. If you are very sick, if you die, he can take the baby home with no difficulty.

If you are not married, he is not legally the baby's father until he turns up with you to register the birth together.

So yes, it is worth having at least a quick registry office ceremony before the birth.
Unless you are super rich and DC is a waster!

KitchenSinkLlama · 17/07/2023 15:56

NOK will be advised of any medical procedures or not that might be appropriate, if you are unable to advocate for yourself, but the final decision is always made by the medical team.

wantmorenow · 17/07/2023 15:56

Can I suggest that you look at the whole married/not married status. Do you own your home or does he or both? Do you have equal access to money during maternity? Will your financial status and career take the same hit as his due to child? Marriage is more then 'a bit of paper', it is a powerful contract and if you are disadvantaged by not having it then get it now and have the party next year.

Original poster
KellyJellyfish · 17/07/2023 16:02

We’re basically married for all but the paperwork, own a house together, have a joint account and split financial responsibilities etc, we meant to get married earlier but covid happened and then buying a house so it all got delayed

OP posts:
Chickenpastabowl · 17/07/2023 16:02

When I gave birth I had my mum with me (was named as next of kin) but when a medical emergency did happen everything was done in my best interests, my mum (even though medically trained) was not in a fit state to make decisions. Later on decisions were made and 'ran past' my mum as next of kin. The only thing she vetoed was them giving dc a bottle because she knew I wanted to bottle feed, so dc was breastfed by me in itu (but I don't remember). Power of attorney would be the only legal way to cover this.

Original poster
KellyJellyfish · 17/07/2023 16:03

Thanks all, sounds like I don’t need to worry about the quicky marriage so much

OP posts:
Mutabiliss · 17/07/2023 16:03

You name him as your next on kin. I think it was on my maternity notes? They're not going to ring someone else as your NOK if your partner is right there in the hospital with you.

Do you have wills and do you have your name on the property you live in?

Original poster
KellyJellyfish · 17/07/2023 16:05

Mutabiliss · 17/07/2023 16:03

You name him as your next on kin. I think it was on my maternity notes? They're not going to ring someone else as your NOK if your partner is right there in the hospital with you.

Do you have wills and do you have your name on the property you live in?

No will, we should probably sort that out! But yes we do own a house together, although as tenants in common rather than joint tenancy (due to uneven deposits at the time)

OP posts:
happysoul23 · 17/07/2023 16:09

Just from the other way, my husband and I were separated not divorced.
He died unexpectedly in hospital, his mother was down as NOK but I am considered to be his legal NOK and all decisions etc have fallen to me x

Mutabiliss · 17/07/2023 16:12

KellyJellyfish · 17/07/2023 16:05

No will, we should probably sort that out! But yes we do own a house together, although as tenants in common rather than joint tenancy (due to uneven deposits at the time)

Show quote history

That's fine. I would consider getting wills done now, with provision for what will happen to baby if you both die. You can always update it but it's good to have.

If you died without a will your estate would go to your legal NOK rather than your partner, which I would guess would be tricky for him.

AuntieJune · 17/07/2023 16:20

KellyJellyfish · 17/07/2023 16:02

We’re basically married for all but the paperwork, own a house together, have a joint account and split financial responsibilities etc, we meant to get married earlier but covid happened and then buying a house so it all got delayed

This is fine for now - classic scenario is that you have the baby, go part time or sahm to cover domestic stuff, share everything until they presto, 20 or 30 years later you break up or he dies and you didn't you can't earn a living, cover mortgage or inherit without lots of tax, can't access his pension etc

Marriage has a few consequences now but a lot more once the years fly by. Relying on a partner to be lovely and reasonable forever and ever is not a very safe policy.

Fine if you go into it with open eyes and plan so you can support yourself if things ever go pear shaped. There are horror threads on here where women are dumped in middle age and have no claim to house or pension, no savings, no job prospects.

Anyway - that's gloomy, good luck with the baby!

Greybeardy · 17/07/2023 16:35

KellyJellyfish · 17/07/2023 15:40

Pregnant with my first (accidental pregnancy), had 12 week scan which showed 3cm submucosal fibroid which may cause problems, I also have hyperthyroidism which can cause problems as well.

I live with the father, but we’d unmarried. We were planning on getting married next summer, but finding out about the pregnancy has made me wonder if it’s worth just getting legally married now (no ceremony) purely so he can be my next of kin/make decisions on my behalf if I am unable to during labour (like if I’m unconscious). Last thing I’d want is for him not to be allowed to speak for me, or worse not even be allowed in the room, just because we’re not legally family.

But perhaps I’m worrying unnecessarily and times have changed to accommodate unmarried couples in hospitals. Obviously I’d prefer to have our real wedding next year! Can anyone shed some light? Thanks

You can name whoever you want as you NOK. He can help support your decisions/ advise your team of your preferences, but the only context in which he'd have any decision making capacity about your care would be if he had power of attorney for health and welfare. In the event of you becoming incapacitated, management is usually a medical decision in best interests (and on labour ward that is usually to do whatever's necessary to save your life). If you have particularly strong views about medical management you would/wouldn't accept it's important to discuss that with you team - probably the most common major thing that comes up is to do with accepting/declining blood transfusion based on religious beliefs.

Emerald95 · 17/07/2023 16:56

There was a case a few years ago when the mother sadly passed unexpected after birth. The register couldn't put his name on the certificate without mother's permission as she died and as he wasn't married to mother so his name couldn't be added automatically as it would in a marriage. When the baby was ready ti discharge he couldn't take the baby home as he wasn't legally the dad. He had to go to court, have a DNA test and then apply for parental rights before the baby could leave the hospital. That whole situation could have been avoided if they'd have been legally married before the birth although the situation is rare

Soontobe60 · 17/07/2023 17:11

There is no such thing in law as next of kin - if anything, it was the closest blood relative to you after a spouse once upon a time.
In your situation, draw up a clear birth plan to cover all eventualities, make sure your DP knows whats on it as well as the midwives. That’s all you really need to do.

supaloops · 17/07/2023 18:28

Paperbagsaremine · 17/07/2023 15:55

The advantage in being married before the baby is born is that the moment baby comes out, your DH will legally be the father. If you are very sick, if you die, he can take the baby home with no difficulty.

If you are not married, he is not legally the baby's father until he turns up with you to register the birth together.

So yes, it is worth having at least a quick registry office ceremony before the birth.
Unless you are super rich and DC is a waster!

This. I'm a midwife, and we had this scenario where the parents of the baby weren't married. Thankfully it doesn't happen often, but in this scenario, not being married created a while other level of heartache and things to sort so that he could look after the baby. Just his name written in the notes isn't enough to release the baby to his care.

Mumtothreegirlies · 17/07/2023 18:31

we we’re unmarried when our daughter came along and my partner (now husband) was there in the emergency room with me the entire time. He won’t be denied just because you’re not married.

TrishTrix · 17/07/2023 18:33

Are you the one who will take the career hit from maternity leave etc?
What are your relative financial positions now?

Unless you outearn him substantially and brought all the assets into the relationship marriage could help protect you if things go south post baby.

Sorry to be pessimistic I just see so many woman getting fucked over by their Ex partners in a way that wouldn't be possible if they were married.

(the "marriage would have really disadvantaged me" brigade will be along shortly. I'e read all their arguments previously and still generally believe that if you are adding kids to the mix you should add a marriage certificate).

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 17/07/2023 18:56

I was asked who I wanted to be next of kin at my booking appointment. I'm sure you can name your partner. It's only for worst case senario when you're not able to make decisions yourself (e.g. unconscious). I'd imagine the only problem you'd come across if it isn't officially stated is if a parent etc challenges it - e.g. if you had both your mum and partner in the room and you were incapacitated and a decision needed to be made but they had opposite views. Also, he wouldn't legally be the father if unmarried until registered so I'm not sure he'd automatically be next of kin for baby even if you named him as yours.

I'd be tempted to do a quick legal ceremony with a celebration next year.