Trying to conceive age 42, feeling so fed up

[Fedup42]

Hi there, I’m hoping to get some support. I feel so sad and scared I will never be a mum. I have been trying to conceive for 3 years. I am now 42, and my partner 48. He has 3 from a previous relationship. But they are older now, and live with their mum. I have always had very painful periods, and had never had a pregnancy in my 20/30s, although I never actively tried to conceive. I put a lot of work into setting up my own business in my 30s, which was a success but now feels like it was foolish to do this, I knew it was cutting it fine, but I thought I’d be fine. Lo and behold, I actually got pregnant within a couple of months of trying, age 39. But it was chemical. I read that this means I should get pregnant soon afterwards, and to take it as a positive. It didn’t happen and my cycle was a mess. In that time, we had the stress of Covid, my partner had a court case against his ex- employer. He won but the stress of it was horrible, and he had to find a new job after 2 decades in his old one. He didn’t even have an CV, so we had to start from the very beginning again. He couldn’t get anything at the level he was at, so is down quite a bit salary wise, which has knocked him/us. And in that time he lost his driving license for making the stupid decision to drive home after 4 pints. I wasn’t there or it wouldn’t have happened. We bought a wreck of a house and renovated it, which was a huge undertaking and exhausting. We have done it before, but really realised how much harder it was, being 5 years older than the previous time. He had his spark tested, all fine. Higher than average in some categories, but low in motility. I had all the checks. Nothing unusual. 2 fibroids but they shouldn’t cause a problem. And they said my AMH was low as I am older. But I have worked really hard on my egg quality since then. Last April we started seeing a Chinese doctor. Acupuncture and teas, and clean living, and we got pregnant in the August. I had a weekend that had been booked for months, a belated 40th with a friend. So in September at just under 8 weeks, I flew out to Spain with her. We walked talked, ate nice food. I didn’t touch alcohol or coffee and was in bed before midnight every night. On the Ryan Air flight on the way home I started to bleed. I was heartbroken. I went to EPU when I got back and they said the HCG was showing it was likely twins. My heart hurt so much and I have not been able to forgive myself for going on that holiday. I wanted to try immediately again, and got pregnant in the December. This time my MC was at 5 weeks. My Chinese doctor said it was because I tried too soon after the loss in September, so I gave it a few months, my 42nd bday came and went in April, and I started trying in May. And still nothing. I am so unbelievably fed up. My siblings and friends all have kids. I have no one that understands how hard this is. I just put on a brave face and keep turning up as auntie/ friend, when inside my heart is breaking. All my mum can talk about is her grandchildren. Which is annoying, I have tried to talk to her, but she can’t filter. I am getting so much weaker in spirit. IVF may be an option. We will have to pay though as my partner has children. I am so scared of this being another series of disappointments, and we will have put so much money into it. To top this all, my partner and I don’t feel close anymore. We love each other, and have each others backs, we have been together 10 years, but the feelings have slipped away, probably more so for me. Our SL is just the compulsory days around ovulation. He has aged a lot in the past few years and now moans a lot about being achy and has very little appetite in the bedroom - to be honest it’s a massive chore. If I left, I would definitely not find anyone else to have a family with in such a short time. My partner is a great dad to his other kids, and I truly want to have a child with him, however things work out. I have a successful business and if I need to be on my own, I can afford to be. Anyone out there to tell me to keep going and that my baby is around the corner? I have referred to this website so offer over the years, especially with the miscarriages, and I am hoping to get some support. Thank you.

It sounds like you need a full and frank discussion with OH before embarking on the IVF route, to figure out if this is still a path you both 100% want to pursue.
IVF is brutal and so you both need to be fully invested in it.
I'm sorry things are so tough

Sorry you’re having difficulties. How long ago was it since you had fertility checks? If it was a while ago it maybe worth having them again now you’re a bit older, and your DP too if he hasn’t had any tests. If IVF is something you both want to peruse it would be better to do it sooner rather than later due to your age. The changes of it working are better the younger you are.

I am sorry you’ve been through so much on this journey.

If your relationship is strained now and your dh is showing his age then sadly I don’t think adding a baby to the mix is going to be good for anyone.

Could you go it alone via IVF?

I really feel for you. After several years of fertility struggles I know how gut-wrenching it is, especially when everyone else around you is getting pregnant so easily. I wish I’d have tried to conceive in my 20s; regret is such an awful feeling.

I would enquire about IVF sooner rather than later. If there’s a choice of clinics local to you then do your research to select the best. Some have different payment plans such as two years of fertility treatment for a set cost, rather than pay-as-you-go for each round. You could also look at freezing some of the egg supply you have?

Like you, when I was trying to conceive there were external stressors I could’ve done without. Renovating a house I was living in (never again!), lockdown, other health problems, bereavement. There’s no magic wand to wave away that stress, but it is key that you and your partner talk to each other.

I really wish you all the best, my heart really does go out to you.

If you want to do IVF you need to get going pretty much immediately. Even if your partner didn't have children I doubt you'd qualify for NHS at 42. Sadly the success rates at 42+ are generally very low. Not impossible obviously, but realistically probably around 10% chance of successful pregnancy maximum per cycle. That's a lot of money spent on a 10% chance of success.
The fact you can get pregnant regularly is a good sign however. It's likely they are falling though due to poor quality eggs (and/or sperm) due to age. Chromosomal issues are likely the cause of repeated miscarriage after 40.
I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic. I'm 41 and a half. Have been trying for 2 years. Managed one pregnancy that ended in a MMC at 8 weeks. Nothing else in that time. I'm now on my second IVF cycle. First one failed, likely due to poor quality eggs. It sucks, but I'm slowly accepting that at my age it probably won't happen. Donor eggs is my next consideration, but that needs a lot of serious thought.

I also would not waste time and money freezing eggs at 42. Its pretty much pointless. Egg freezing, while techniques have improved over the years, does not have amazing results. You need to ideally store large numbers of eggs to have a chance of success. And at 42 you're unlikely to get that many per round. I don't think many women 40+ get more than 10 eggs per cycle. (I'm getting 6-8 per cycle and they say that's pretty good for my age). They say that with egg freezing (and ivf generally), that expect 30% not to survive defrosting, 30-50% of them not to fertilise, and 30-50% of them to make it to transfer. And then without testing them to check if they're normal (which around 60%+ aren't over 40) you have no idea if any will make it to a pregnancy.
I know this sounds so pessimistic. And obviously pregnancy over 40 can and does happen. But you just need to be realistic and look at the statistics and cost and time and see if you think its worth it. I'm around 15k down and still trying. It can be a long hard thing to go through after 40.

Ok, all noted. Thanks for the replies.

Reading your story, you seem to be blaming yourself for a lot. Your partner chose to drink drive, a nice mini break doesn't cause a misscarriage, trying to conceive in a certain time frame doesn't cause a pregnancy loss, somethings a down to chance.
I hope you have the baby you want, be kind to yourself x

I became pregnant through IVF at 42 and again naturally at 43 so it can happen. You do need to have a really open conversation with your DH as you would need to move very quickly on any for of intervention. It is a long hard road with no guarantee of success. I would also consider saving your money with regard to the Chinese doctor- that really isn't going to help.

Ok, thank you both. I probably do blame myself. I am so exhausted with everything. I guess I’m frustrated and I feel like I need to blame someone - like I must be doing everything really wrong? I know that’s not how life works. It is just a very rough patch and I need to take care and keep going.
And thanks for sharing your story x

Your holiday had nothing to do with it, and neither had trying again "too soon". The cause was almost certainly your age. Unfortunately that's the reality over 40.

Do you want to think about donor egg IVF? Realistically speaking, at this point that is probably your best option. You can of course keep trying naturally, but the odds will be dropping month on month. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hi OP, in your shoes I think I'd break up with your partner, find a good local IVF clinic and get your hands on some top-notch donor sperm from a 25 year old, and roll the dice.

The stale relationship is likely a part of what is draining your energy and I think since you can afford to do this alone, that will give you the best chance. Older dads raise the odds of baby having health issues, IIRC?

I'm sorry it's so tough. FWIW I conceived naturally at 40 and had the baby safely at 41, it can be done! (Bloody knackered now though but that's another thread!)

Wish you all the best whatever you decide

Thanks both. I have called docs and arranged for IVF process to restart. It was started through my GP last summer, but I didn’t continue because I got pregnant. We will have to pay, but the data is already in the system. So hopefully it gets going soon.
My partner is fully aware of where we are at. But he wants (we both want) to have a child together. And how things play out in the future we have said we will take from there. Selling the house and splitting everything is doable, but not in the middle of everything else. My family all love him too, and there would be a lot of resistance from them in terms of questioning my decision to leave a lovely man. I have read up on conscious uncoupling and I think we would be able to work through a process like that - we are good friends, and as I said at the start, we have each others backs.

Hi, I have been trying to conceive for 3 years (I’m 42). I’ve had 3MCs. Which has been really hard. I have cleaned up my act completely, been having acupuncture etc. I was gutted this month as I had a temp drop on day 8 and EWCM on day 9. We still DTD but I thought I ovulated too early to be in with a chance this month. I called the clinic and picked up where we left off with private IVF (not eligible for free). We had already started the ball rolling with this. But every time I got pregnant I cancelled any further progress. I’ve just been to the toilet and my tissue looks like this. I am usually a 26 day cycle and today is only day 17. Do you think this is implantation? I’d really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

When do you think you ovulated this month, how many DPO does it make you? It could be implantation, but could also be your period starting soon if you ovulated a week early.

I think I ovulated last Thursday/Friday so this makes me 8days past ovulation. I would expect a period for another 9 days. Yea, I’ll just stay busy and wait and see. I have had 3 unsuccessful pregnancies, but didn’t get implantation bleeding with any. So I’m not sure what it looks like.