Pregnant, husband left me & said he wants nothing to do with our baby

[lanaflower]

I wondered if anybody could advise. I feel absolutely heartbroken. Since marriage, my husband has always said how much he can’t wait to have a baby with me and hold our child together. We wanted to wait until we were in the same country permanently, but I am pregnant. Since the moment we found out, he’s been nothing but nasty about it. Said he wants nothing to do with the baby, said it’s a punishment from God, the sign of the devil and ended the relationship with me. He has not messaged me since I’ve been back in the UK, and I feel so hurt by it (I messaged him and had no response). We had an early scan abroad. They confirmed the pregnancy and saw the heartbeat, however also said I have a 8cm tumour (the NHS have confirmed it’s not cancerous). The moment we got out, he said “just take some tablets and get rid of that thing”. Just so much stress.

I have the best family and friends around me, however it just hurts so much the way he treated me. Our marriage was not perfect, but I never expected him to treat me in the way he has or be so heartless.

I just wondered if anybody could advise, as I feel stressed beyond belief and very anxious. I want to do the best for my baby, and I feel guilty for being so anxious when I need to be strong for it. I feel like my anxiety is shocking right now because of my circumstances.

For reference we found out a month ago I was pregnant.

no Advice just wanted to bump up for you

I'm really sorry to hear this, the situation you are currently in sounds absolutely heart-breaking and would be difficult for anyone to manage, especially as it has all happened very recently.
No one can advise you what to do but the only thing that seems clear from an outside perspective is that your husband is not treating you right and you deserve better than he can give you. Marriage is a big commitment and you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with this person and the thought of separation is a MASSIVE thing, but if he is treating you like this at one of the most vulnerable times of your life it's clear that he's not going to be the supportive husband you deserve and will very likely not be a very good and supportive father either.

What I would suggest is taking a break from him in whatever form that is - thinking about what YOU would like to do and then gaining the support from your friends and family to do that. If you feel you can't manage a child without your husband then that is your decision, but if you would like to continue with the pregnancy and be a mother than you should do that - it is your body and your life.

Whatever you choose to do will not be easy and you NEED the support of medical professionals as well - speak to your midwife about what is happening and please gain some support from a counsellor or someone trained to help you through this. And remember that things can and will get better, just keep going and do what is best for you.

I really don't understand these little boys who want to do grown men things but can't handle the responsibilities when it comes to it. I'm very sorry you're going through this!

Are you still long distance now?

It's so hard to separate your feelings from your husband and the baby, but you have to in order to survive. As soon as those words left his mouth, he relegated himself to a position of no importance. Do whatever you need to do without him.

No one person can have power over you and your life. Heartbreaking that you thought this was made out of love but love will still grow despite.

I hope your family and friends support you and you can come to some kind of resolve. It's all very fresh, allow yourself to grieve but know that you'll rise up and soar. Your life is not over sweetheart x

How are things going for you now @lanaflower?

Thanks so much for asking. Sadly almost two months has passed since I’ve been back in the UK, and I’ve still had no contract. Just once at the start to say he doesn’t want to speak to me and doesn’t know when we will speak again (he’s not contacted me and blocked me on everything). His Dad has text me several times which initially I think is great, then it ends up upsetting me giving me anxiety because I have so many questions. Will they ever want to see the baby? Will the Dad ever want to see it? Very stressful and it’s so selfish because he’s ruining this for me. However, I’m going to try and not allow him to ruin it for me anymore because tomorrow I have the gender scan 😊 so I’m hoping that will help me feel more excited/happy. Thanks again!

Thank you so much for this 💜 yes it is crazy how a person can just change their mind, on such a serious thing? Actually I have the most support in the world and I’m very lucky. However, sometimes I can’t help but feel sad because I wish it was him by my side however he won’t speak to me and has blocked me on everything. His Dad texts me but it ends up totally messing with my head, even though he’s been lovely! Xx

The baby is a punishment from God?! Is he actually OK, mentally? (I’m sorry if that comes off offensively, I’m asking the genuine question.)

Sadly he has no choice, the baby already exists and he was a part in making it. Takes two, funnily enough.
He can refuse to see you/baby if he wants, but absolutely pursue child maintenance payments etc. from him. Take him for everything you can get.

Sounds like you and baby are better off without him, if he’s going to show such utter contempt for them. Kids pick up on that.

For now, though, ignore him. Enjoy your gender scan and every lovely moment of seeing the baby grow.

Consult a family lawyer asap. It could be in yours and baby’s best interest to start divorce proceedings sooner rather than later.

Is he still abroad? Which country? Are you sure your marriage is legal?

Get to a solicitor immediately and end this sham of a marriage.

Don't take your baby to visit his family abroad.

Sorry, posted too soon. If by some chance your marriage isn't legally recognised here, then don't put him on the birth certificate.

I wouldn't trust a man who said your child is a punishment from God. Don't let him anywhere near you or your baby, he could be dangerous. Be careful about letting your in laws know where you are.

I do think that you have to move forward now under the assumption that he is not part of your or your baby's future.

This means making a plan to raise your child yourself. Speak to a solicitor about how you can disentangle yourself from him financially and set the grounds for a divorce.

Take back some of the control and be an active participant in what is happening. Once you have a solicitor engaged send a message to his father explaining that all further contact regarding the divorce be via the solicitor and then block the entire family. This will give you some sense of control back.

So sorry to hear you are going through this :(
It's really sad how he has switched so suddenly.
I would advice divorce asap as well.
I hope you don't mind me asking but is he living in a country where he would have difficulty coming to the uk without your marriage?
I know someone who was in a similar situation - got married quite quick as I think they thought this would make it easy to later come to the Uk however when they got pregnant they were absolutely furious. Not saying your situation is similar or not saying that he was not genuine but it just reminded me of someone's story I knew and wondered for the sudden switch x

i am in exactly the same situation i was told me to take a pill and to be done with it. totally abused me verbally has blocked me out of his life completly yet before doing so said he had a right to be in the childs life. why would i want to raise a child with someone who is so lacking empathy and kindness. i also suffer with anxiety, but if you have a supportive family around you i would not chase him, i would not give him the time of day i would focus on my Childs and my wellbeing and then take him to the csa. get a divorce. if he harrassess you or abuses you. you can apply to court for free for a non molestation injection which will keep him away from you and your child. men aint shit good luck

Divorce him ASAP.

Where did the two of you get married, and was the marriage registered with the civil authorities?

You need to talk to a solicitor.

Gather friends and family around you.

Block him and his family. Do not respond to any attempts to contact you.

Do not let this man back into your life.

huge hug
you are such a strong woman to go this far!
follow your gut feeling!
at the minimum - the community here is of great help!