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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Unplanned 4th pregnancy - help!

24 replies

ghj89 · 14/07/2023 14:13

Hi sorry if this is long.

This morning I found out I was pregnant. It just hadn’t crossed my mind I might be but I had an old test lying around and knew my period was a few days late (not unheard of with me) and was absolutely gobsmacked when 2 lines pinged up. my husband was about to walk out the door for work and I just ran downstairs in a panic and we both said we didn’t want it. We are fortunate to have 3 beautiful healthy children (7, 5 and 3) and my husband feels our family is complete. He says he’s not sure he can mentally hack going back to the beginning with sleepless nights. He is a real worrier and says me being pregnant and the slight risk of something potentially being wrong with the baby terrifies him. He says he thinks it might break him mentally. He also said he was finally seeing (and excited for) the next stage in our relationship and finally getting a bit more of our lives back. He has always said he’d never want an abortion but I think he is swaying towards wanting that at the moment. Although he did say he loves me, it’s my body and he’ll support what I decide.

I agree with everything he’s saying but then I also look at the 3 children we have and it breaks my heart to think about terminating a pregnancy that could go on to be just as amazing as they are. My main worry is that my husband doesn’t want it and I’m not sure can cope mentally. I’m not sure o can cope mentally with a termination.

Not really sure how writing this will help but I don’t feel I can speak to friends / family about this as it’s quite a taboo subject and don’t want emotionally fuelled opinions.

Has anyone found themselves in a similar position before?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
KeepSmiling89 · 14/07/2023 14:19

Hi OP

Your post reads a lot about what your husband feels about it and how that's weighing on your mind.
How do YOU feel about a 4th baby? Can you afford a 4th baby? Is there anything to suggest that anything will go wrong in this pregnancy or that baby will have difficulties?

As your DH said, it is your body. If you just told DH this morning before he headed off to work, it's probably best for the 2 of you to sit down and talk this through properly. As important as your husband's feelings about baby no. 4 might be, your feelings need to be taken into account as well.

All the best in whatever you decide to do :)

Original poster
ghj89 · 14/07/2023 14:35

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

As soon as I read that back I did think that’s very heavily focussed on how DH feels. I think that’s partly because right now I don’t know how I feel and also partly because we have discussed a 4th in the past and he was so adamant he wanted to get a vasectomy and didn’t want any more.

I definitely need time to process it and talk about it but also very aware that time is ticking in these situations and the earlier the better if we do decide not to continue with the pregnancy. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly and I’m scared either way our relationship will suffer.

I definitely need to take some time to process and work out how I feel about it but both options seem terrifying to me. Thank you so much for your kind reply

OP posts:
Original poster
ghj89 · 14/07/2023 14:36

And no, nothing to suggest there would be anything wrong with a baby. It’s just a fear he has as we are getting older (although we are 33 and 35 so not ancient!) haha

OP posts:
ZooMount · 14/07/2023 14:43

We dithered about a 4th for years, for much the same reasons as you, and then found out I was pregnant and I have to say I am absolutely loving having a 4th. I'm way more relaxed now and he is a dream baby. I do think that the jump has been the easiest yet and your life is pretty hectic anyway with 3. I'm so glad we had him! I'm sure that's not the story for everyone but from my perspective I couldn't imagine life without him now, and the kids LOVE him.

Original poster
ghj89 · 14/07/2023 14:57

Thank you so much for your reply. It’s nice to hear a positive experience 😀 really pleased it all worked out well for you and your family

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 14/07/2023 15:06

Why didn't he get the vasectomy if he was so against the 4th?

If he was against the vasectomy I'd say well he didn't do what would be best guarantee of no more kids and should have one if he didn't want to risk a 5th. If he didn't have it because you were upset because you potentially wanted the 4th so he didn't have it yet to give you more time to discuss I can see why he's now upset it's been taken out of his hands. I could also understand him being frustrated that this happened if you said no to the vasectomy and are now saying you aren't sure you can cope mentally with either possibility of having baby or termination now its happened.

If you have the baby you'll cope and you'll love it just as much as the rest, it will slot in. If you don't want the baby thats OK too. You have the choice for a reason. Just make sure you give it time to be sure on your decision so you are less likely to regret later.

Original poster
ghj89 · 14/07/2023 16:14

We were in the process of discussing a vasectomy and it was me who was less keen on him getting it done as it felt so final and I wasn’t sure I was ready to permanently close that chapter yet… so yes he probably is frustrated by that. It’s not that I couldn’t cope mentally either way. It’s that I worry he won’t be able to cope mentally with another baby which will obviously impact everyone else. If he turned around and said it’s ok it’s good news we’ll be fine I’d feel relieved in all honesty which I guess tells me what my real feelings are.

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 14/07/2023 16:31

ghj89 · 14/07/2023 16:14

We were in the process of discussing a vasectomy and it was me who was less keen on him getting it done as it felt so final and I wasn’t sure I was ready to permanently close that chapter yet… so yes he probably is frustrated by that. It’s not that I couldn’t cope mentally either way. It’s that I worry he won’t be able to cope mentally with another baby which will obviously impact everyone else. If he turned around and said it’s ok it’s good news we’ll be fine I’d feel relieved in all honesty which I guess tells me what my real feelings are.

The fact you were in discussion shows he wasn't 100% against, so in my opinion it's likely he'll come around once the shock wears off.

Just be mindful that this is something you wanted and pushed for, you stopped him doing something permanently about it. So if you go to him and say you aren't sure if you want it either it's going to be a source of frustration. In his eyes if you'd let him do it you wouldn't be in this situation. He's not going to say it will be ok until you're on board. If he's a good dad to the other 3 he'll be great with the 4th too when it's here, you just might have a more bumpy road until then.

Think about how frustrated you'd be if your toddler went on and on about wanting a McDonald's all week, you take them as a surprise at the end of the week and when you arrive they say they don't want anything to eat 😂. And this is much bigger!

Original poster
ghj89 · 14/07/2023 16:40

Thank you. It’s nice to gage different opinions. He is an amazing dad to the 3 we have and loves them with everything. I just know our relationship inevitably had to take a back seat with 3 young children around (and breastfeeding / co sleeping etc) and we were both finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with them sleeping through the night in their own beds and being able to do the occasional date etc which I guess got is in the situation in the first place! 🙈

OP posts:
Sunshinevibes91 · 14/07/2023 22:38

Hi op , just always remember everything happens for a reason and although you were in talks about a vasectomy it didn't happen and this could be the Reason why. Im pregnant with my 4th (new partner has none of his own) part of my is shitting bricks but the other part is looking forward to finishing my family unit and moving forward with my life. My other 3 are 13, 10 and nearly 4. It's going to bed hard but we only live once I never imagined I'd be pregnant again but here I am and tbh I'm looking forward to my 3 having a new baby about the house . Good luck with what ever you chose to do . Xx

CC4712 · 14/07/2023 22:52

Do you know the state of your finances/bills/mortgage, his job situation etc (assuming he works?) ? Could he be feeling under pressure with the COL and already having a family of 5? Is there anything additional that is stressing him that you aren't aware of? Does he have any support for his mental health?

I'd suggest you both write down a list of positive and negatives about keeping and not keeping the pregnancy- then come together to discuss.

QueenBitch666 · 15/07/2023 01:48

If he thought his family was complete why didn't he use a condom? Get a vasectomy? Are you not on the pill? It's 2023 and people are still having unexpected pregnancies? 🙄

bobblyjob · 15/07/2023 01:53

QueenBitch666 · 15/07/2023 01:48

If he thought his family was complete why didn't he use a condom? Get a vasectomy? Are you not on the pill? It's 2023 and people are still having unexpected pregnancies? 🙄

Of course. It’s his fault. Fucking MN.

Give yourself a moment to breathe and think through the practicalities and it will likely come to you. Whichever you choose will be the right thing for you and your family

Original poster
ghj89 · 15/07/2023 07:01

QueenBitch666 · 15/07/2023 01:48

If he thought his family was complete why didn't he use a condom? Get a vasectomy? Are you not on the pill? It's 2023 and people are still having unexpected pregnancies? 🙄

Living up to your username I see 👌🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
ghj89 · 15/07/2023 07:21

Sunshinevibes91 · 14/07/2023 22:38

Hi op , just always remember everything happens for a reason and although you were in talks about a vasectomy it didn't happen and this could be the Reason why. Im pregnant with my 4th (new partner has none of his own) part of my is shitting bricks but the other part is looking forward to finishing my family unit and moving forward with my life. My other 3 are 13, 10 and nearly 4. It's going to bed hard but we only live once I never imagined I'd be pregnant again but here I am and tbh I'm looking forward to my 3 having a new baby about the house . Good luck with what ever you chose to do . Xx

Thank you. 24 hours since the news now and one minute I’m feeling a little wave of excitement and the next I’m feeling a big wave of panic 🙈

OP posts:
gogomoto · 15/07/2023 07:43

Remember it is a choice but the way I saw it was that I had to consider my existing children first and foremost. They had to be my priority. As it happened I miscarried at 5 weeks, problem was solved!

HappyAsASandboy · 15/07/2023 08:25

I have been where you are, but am 10 years older.

For various reasons, we nervously went ahead with the pregnancy and had our 4th child. He is happy and healthy and an absolute delight.

Despite my 4th child being absolutely perfect, fitting in with the older three (who all adore him), no financial worries, plenty of space etc etc, I find it very hard parenting four kids, and am so tired from having at least one child in the pregnant/baby/toddler years for the last 12 years. Your gaps are slightly smaller, but even so, think about whether you have the stamina to stay in the toddler trenches for another 3 years.

Flo84 · 15/07/2023 08:33

I don't know if this helps but my mum said she found four easier than three as there was nobody left out and we used to play in pairs

AmazingGrace2002 · 15/07/2023 10:02

gogomoto · 15/07/2023 07:43

Remember it is a choice but the way I saw it was that I had to consider my existing children first and foremost. They had to be my priority. As it happened I miscarried at 5 weeks, problem was solved!

Horrible comment 🤯🫣

Original poster
ghj89 · 15/07/2023 10:57

AmazingGrace2002 · 15/07/2023 10:02

Horrible comment 🤯🫣

Show quote history

I understand why you’d feel that way but I assume you haven’t been in the situation I am currently in. Until you find yourself in that situation it’s hard to really and truly understand how you’d feel. I know I certainly never anticipated I’d ever be in this position and never thought I’d ever even be considering a termination. It doesn’t feel real at all and everything feels a blur at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
ghj89 · 19/07/2023 23:53

Just came to say thank you to everyone who answered my cries last week! It took a good few days with lots of discussions and came as a shock to us both but we finally came to the mutual agreement that we couldn’t terminate and, although scary, we will be going through with the pregnancy and… dare I say it… I’m even at the point where I’m slightly excited. It’s been emotional but I can finally say I’m feeling more at peace. I hope anyone going through a similar thing can find peace in their decision whichever way they choose to go too ❤️

OP posts:
Princesspeachee · 20/07/2023 10:32

Great update @ghj89
I was coming here to say give it some time to sink in for you both then go from there but you've already done that 😊

Sunshinevibes91 · 21/07/2023 10:31

Aw lovely. Congratulations 🎉🎉 xx

glassofjuice · 09/05/2024 20:27

Are you still here @ghj89 how is 4? I’ve just found out I’m pregnant with no4 and it’s not planned. I haven’t even told DH yet as he is going to be gutted I think 😞

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